Queen's Diary - A View Within

Advance notice

2005-09-25T22:29:00.000-05:00

***Please be aware*** The Queen will be moving. Yes, just moving, not going away though. I'm ready for a new look and blogsome seems to have that, so my new home will be http://diaryofaqueen.blogsome.com/ After September 30th, you will find me in my new home. For now, I am still getting it ready; making the final tweaks here and there. Please change your links as you feel the need. Love to all, QueenT

F.I.L.A.

2005-09-15T09:04:00.000-05:00

I haven’t talked about Katrina mostly because it hit pretty close to home for me. The Boy’s godmother lives in VA but is from New Orleans. Most of her family is there and for about a week or so, the only “located” member was her older sister. I spoke to her the Wednesday after the storm first hit, and I could hear that she was trying so hard to be strong, I wanted to be for her too. Because inside I was terrified. So many people were feared dead, I was afraid for the worst. When we spoke again, her sister had been found to be here in the Atlanta area. Her mom was found later that day to be in Texas and on her way to Atlanta the next day. I immediately made myself available in any capacity. Now after some time has gone by, her brother is still missing. I can still hear her trying to be strong, now not only for herself but for her mom as well, and I still worry and pray for her and the family. I am so thankful that she has her husband by her side to support her through all of this. If ever I complained about Atlanta, what has been done in the past week wil forever renew my faith. In the past few weeks, so much has been done to raise funds and provide assistance to the victims of this unimaginable tragedy. From the food and clothing drives held by both Hot107.9 and V103, to the school supply drive held by Q100; the competition set off by TI against all the other area industry people to the concert beign held this Saturday with all the proceeds going to the victims. I love this city and how much they are able to band to gether and take care of not just our own but our surrouding "family" as well. It does a heart good to see the camaraderie.

And then what?

2005-09-13T14:12:00.000-05:00

Before I realize it, my time in school will be ending. After the two classes this Fall and another two in the Winter, I will have officially graduated. Back in the spring, I just knew that once I completed these classes I would be done. No grad school, no more certificates, done. But now that the time is approaching, I’m not so sure. I’m on the fence about it for a couple reasons. I am torn about what MBA program to pursue. My ultimate goal is to be able to get in to corporate training. That coincides well with the technical communications degree already in place, as it positions me to have the background to write my own training materials. A degree in Adult Education would provide me with the training know how from a “people” perspective. A degree in Learning and Knowledge Management Systems would provide a smaller portion of the “people” perspective but much more from a technical aspect, which broadens the scope of fields I can enter into. So I am a little torn on which is more important toward reaching my goals. With that, comes the decision of where and how to attend class. I have been taking classes on line for over four years now. I have adjusted and do well with that style of learning. Not to mention how well it fits into the “working, single mother” lifestyle. However, I don’t want to have to work while pursuing my degree. I want to be able to focus solely on accomplishing that. I know that many people are able to quit their jobs and live off of the funding they receive from attending grad school. I admit that scares me a little, but at the same time it provides me with freedom. Freedom from this hell of a work place, and freedom to put some more energy into the business. By the time I start grad school next Fall, it will require a lot more attention than it currently does. Which leads me to the other reason I am unsure. The business, while it is certainly a worthwhile effort and is one I believe can and will last in its current state, and will continue to grow and expand into other areas, it is not in my desired area. If you cock your head to the left and squint your eyes, it still doesn’t fall in to the category. So while I would love to have the freedom of solely running the business and not having to work in corporate America, that would not allow me to work in the field in which I wish to work in. The one midpoint I see that could possibly provide me the best of both worlds would be to take the degree and land a consulting position. I’m really at a big crossroads right now. I am going to consult with a few people, and put that with my own research and make a decision. I still have time, but I don’t intend to wait until the last minute. Especially since now it the time to start looking for the funding for next school year. Wish me luck.

Well wishes...sincerely

2005-09-07T15:06:00.000-05:00

It seems like every three months or so, a few people around me land new jobs. I wouldn’t want anyone to take this the wrong way. I am happy to see anyone around me happy and doing well, and improving whatever situations around them they want to. I congratulate them; and I am very sincere about it. But a part of me, is envious and jealous. I want and deserve a new job too. I have been searching for about the past 6 months with no luck yet. Granted my field, my experience and my degree are all specialized. So I can’t just go out and snatch up a job. And I also recognize that the job market is very saturated right now. These are all things that I Know. But I don’t feel them after my co-workers and friends call me up and share their great news with me. I am elated when I am talking with them. But it sinks in down the line that “damn, someone else got a new job…and again, it wasn’t me”. Yeah I know “my time will come” and “the right job is not ready for me just yet”. But all of that is kinda hard to remember when I have to go to my favorite place in the world (***dripping with sarcasm here***) and deal with these wonderfully, sweet, polite people (**don’t miss the sarcasm here too***) day in and day out. I’m gonna keep praying; my time is soon approaching. Until them, ya’ll pray I don’t lose it!

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree

2005-08-23T20:09:00.000-05:00

I don't recall "Curriculum night" when I was in elementary school. The first sit down meeting with the teacher was usually a Parent's Night. Thankfully, Gwinnett has these, where the teacher breaks down exactly what their child will be doing over the course of the year. Both the Boy and I were excited about Curriculum Night. I was looking forward to getting a chance to hear from his teacher what his year will be like. He was excited to have me in his classroom "like a little kid". And he was right, because I sat at his desk, in his little chair and felt like a kid squished i that chair...lol. As I and the other parents listen to the teacher talk about her plans for the year, she made the statement that many of us didn't realize why our kids were place din her class. And this point I began to perk up..."Nah, I don't know but I'm surely curious now". Turns out, her class is an advanced kindergarten class. Can anyone begin to understand how excited I was?! I somehow contained myself as I listened to the rest of the curriculum and the difference in his class versus the normal kindergarten curriculum. We have a challenging year up ahead but we're ready for it. I'll admit, I initially wanted him to completely buy pass kindergarten. Mostly because his birthday is only 16days from the cut off and he'll one of the oldest kids in the class. i remember those kids when I was in school. They hated being the oldest just because of when their birthday fell. I don't want him to be one of those. But I selfishly wanted it as well because I skipped kindergarten myself. My mom prepped me long before that time, so when it came time to enroll, she refused to let them place me in kindergarten and I went straight to first grade. I wouldn't redo it if I could go back, but I do remember the challenges I faced. I didn’t have as much focus or discipline as the other kids, and so I was very talkative in class, which or course got me into trouble. I was also slower at getting my work done, so there would be times where every one else was at recess and I would still be in the classroom doing work. I don't want the boy to be that way. I think the way things worked out have given him the best scenario possible.

Stay at home mom?

2005-08-15T17:12:00.000-05:00

The boy started Kindergarten this week. I don’t know which of us is more excited. I took him his first day and once at the door, I kinda didn’t want to leave him. It was such a new experience for him; I hated to not be there for it. But of course I know that I can’t so I have to live through his retelling of his day every day. He made it through the first week without any problems...at school anyway. Now daycare was another story, but for the most part he did well there too. I can’t wait to get him into the program at the Boys and Girls Club; he has to be 6 to be enrolled. Come on September 16th! His only complaint has been about not going directly to school. He doesn’t want to have to go to before school care; he wants to go directly to school from home. I don’t mind it; in fact I hope he keeps his excitement. But it breaks my heart that because of my schedule that I can’t take him to school in the morning. I expect that is going to chang in the coming weeks, in order to get him into the afterschool program. So long as things go as they are supposed to at work I'll be getting a new schedule in the next few weeks. Having him back home and readjusted to a schedule reminded me of how much I enjoy being in "family mode". Being HotPants all summer long was fun, but it not "me". Not all the time me. I am Mommy. I used to be Wife. I recognize that I miss that family stability. I was happy and comfortable in that family role and would rather have it that be HotPants all the time. I'd be content to stay home and take care of my family; or at least run my own business that allowed me the flexabilty to be at hom with my family. To be able to take the boy to school, and to his games (of whichever type at the time). There was a time where I never thought I'd say something like that. Me!...a stay at home mom? But I guess as you get older (yeah I know I'm not that old so what...lol) your priorites change. The mor etime goes on, the more I want the boy to have and to be happy...and a husband sure wouldn't hurt either.

Will the oppression ever end?

2005-08-13T15:23:00.000-05:00

I have come to understand the meaning of "overqualified" and why places won't hire overqualified people. When you are overqualified, you become bored, bitter, and disgruntled very easily. Watching incompetent people do a job that you could do in your sleep better AND with a better attitude and aptitude pushes you past the world frustration over to realm of "hatred". Everyday this week I have walked into work in a good mood. That is an accomplishment considering I am not a morning person. But I have been my normal happy morning self every morning. Yet, by 10:30 – 11 I have a pissy attitude. Why do you ask? Because I hate this place. I mean really hate it, and I really try not to use that word. But I passed "strongly dislike" about 3 months ago. It's gotten to where I openly voice my distaste (mind you I sit directly in front of management). It's not that I am trying to get myself fired, because I will turn around and say in the same voice that I despise this place, that I don't have to like this place to do my job well. And I do...no grounds to fire me. The sad this is, this is not at all a normal reflection of my attitude and personality. In any other work setting, I make the best of a situation and do what I can to make the entire place better. I am that employee that goes above and beyond my job duties because I believe hard work earns your more responsibilities, promotions, so on and so forth. This isn't some magical fantasy I developed in my head. Every other work environment I have worked in operated this way. I have always excelled in my work. I may not have had control in my love and life situations but work has always been a constant for me. But this environment is not open to that. I tried it; it didn't work. Not only did it not work, but they were fake about it. Sure they wanted to hear about the problems, and pretend they could or would do something about it, but then one day one of the managers (we're on out third one in 7 months now) broke it all down for me and explained that the "oppressor": some of the upper management will never do anything about the vast amount of problems. That was my cue to stop expending my energy there and redirect it elsewhere. It gets harder and harder everyday to remember the lessons you have learned about not walking away from a job without having another one lined up, even with trying to remember the repercussions of the past from doing that AND when trying to remind someone else to not to do the same thing…(*to that person: sweetie I am human just like you…I'm not just saying it to you because I'm not in your shoes*) I am working everyday one ways to escape. My job search has grown from just tech writing now to damn near anything not customer service related in the IT field that I think I am remotely qualified for. I network in everyway I can. And my(Twin's and mine)business will be picking up off the ground very shortly and I anticipate much success there. Every day I try to motivate myself to believe that our business will be my way out the door and that is why I am still stuck in Hell, so that I can be able to tell the "oppressor" to Kiss My Ass.

Didja miss me even a lil bit?

2005-08-12T08:30:00.000-05:00

It's Friday and my toes are the cutest shade of blue...lol OK it's Friday and I'm feeling silly and good...and no I didn't get some thank you very much LOL. My writing block has lifted and I'll be blogging most of the weekend. Look for me. Love, hugs and kisses!

A weekend full of love

2005-08-01T20:39:00.000-05:00

As much as I love my adopted family, having my blood relations around is always exciting for me; especially when the reason for gathering is a festive one. I have a cousin, G, that lives here, down south of the city. Sadly we hardly every see each other; I swear I have to work on changing that. G got married this weekend to his girlfriend, C, of about five years. I had a chance to first meet her last year when I was staying with G. At first meeting I thought she was a little snooty, but cool over all. And even more importantly, I could see her love for him all over the place. He had been hesitant for sometime to marry her. He's divorce and was apprehensive, which is quite understandable. So when he called me right before Valentines Day this ear to tell me he was going up to Chicago to ask her parents permission to marry her, I was floored. That is so sweet, and old fashioned and I loved it. Between Thursday and Saturday, I had more opportunity to get to know her a little more. The snooty idea was blown away. C is hella down to earth, cool as hell, and still loves my cuz to pieces and that is enough for me. I hope we get to kick it more. They are buying a house a little closer to the city, so I plan to try to see them both along with my little cousins more often. G's family came down from home for the wedding; his mom, his sister - Stace, her two daughters T and A, and T's son, Jah. I was so happy to have them down here, I wish they'd move down here too. A is fifteen and grown up to be sunch a wonderful girl. She's always been an honor student, and very into sports. Home has begun to drag her down though and lately she's been getting into some trouble at home. Stace is sending her down her to stay with her dad for this year, much to her dismay. She has a similar relationship with A's father that I have with the sperm donor so I feel her pain. I really anticipate that before the year is up Stace will be down here to stay; which means T and Jah will be not too long after her. They three of them are so tight, because it has been pretty much just them for so long, I don't think they can be without each other. it really is a beautiful relationship they share as mother and daughters. Lil Jah is almost 3 and my goodness he is so advance, omg!!! He had be between cracking up and in awe the entire weekend. He really reminds me of the boy and Lil D the way he is so beyond his 2 years on this earth. Because T had him so young, at 17, the only downside is he is hella spoiled. I know it's because she doesn't really know any better, hell shes a baby herself. He's still young and I think she's kinda starting to see it. He wants to listen; I know because I wasn't having any of his nonsense this weekend and it didn't take at all for him to take to me being a little more stringent than his mom. I have faith that she's get it. She's a great mom and I'm so very proud of her.Since I used to stay with G when I moved back here last year, I had spoken to all of his friends at some point on the phone. Meeting them in person...lawd have mercy!!! They all are fools...lmao What was cool to see what how different they all are and how they round each other out. We hung out at Barnacles Thursday, and they we all - his friends and C's friends went to Vision on Friday. By the end of those two nights, somehow I was dubbed the 'party girl'(not sure how I managed to pick up that name). By Saturday at the reception, his friends literally were taking turns trying to talk to or dance with me. It was beyond hysterical. My poor cousin spent a good part of the evening chasing them off me...LOL Seeing their wedding this weekend...man what a feeling it brought over me. There were about 60 guests so, not to big not to small. C was absolutely beautiful! Her dress, the brides’ maids dresses, the entire setup, the reception area: all simply amazing. Whoever coordinated it did a fabulous job. Seeing it, coupled with seeing the pure love radiating from them and all their family and friends sharing in their joy...it was very overpowering. It almost made me want to have a large wedding (hopefully one day, if I can get a man first...lol). But my first wedding was small; about 15 people in total, including wedding party. I know that if I get married again my next will be somewhat bigger but the "low key" in me is happy to have a small, intimate wedding. I miss my cousins already and I hope to see them again soon. They are talking about coming down for thanksgiving. I really hope they do, that will really round out my family holiday visits; cousins and adopted fam for Thanksgiving and my crazy Mama and brother for Christmas.

How many of us have them?

2005-08-01T12:37:00.000-05:00

I’m not mad. I’m a realist, so I expect anything and everything to happen. Am I affected? Yeah, I was hurt and disappointed and angry, for about an hour. But then the realist in me came back and said “that’s the way it goes; keep it moving”. But I want to let those who need to know that I know. The title “friend” is not given lightly around here. If I consider you a friend, I have a lot of love for you. And I am under the impression that you have that same love for me. When you need, I give. Big or small, doesn’t matter; if you need it and I have it, it is yours. And id I don’t have, I will go above and beyond to try to get it, because you need it. It may not be the most convenient thing for me, when you need, but I do it anyway, and you will never hear a complaint about it. Because you are my friend. When you do not treat me the same way, you show me that you do not value my friendship. You don’t feel that I am worthy of the same treatment you receive from me. And if that is how you feel, that is fine. Now I know, and I can therefore change my actions accordingly. You are cool to come hang out and laugh and party with me, or want to be “more than just a friend” but when I need you, you disappear. You are showing and proving everything I need to see. So I thank you. Thank you to those who have had my back when I’ve needed you. I love you all and you have me for anything, anytime, ever. And thank you to those of you who at least acknowledged that you couldn’t help me when I’ve needed, because I understand when you are simply unable. And to those who have been faking it all this time…I see you…things are about to change.

The lack of respect and understanding of Technical Writing

2005-07-28T15:17:00.000-05:00

I recognize the Technica Communication field for what it is. It’s a challenging and misunderstood field. Most people don’t know what it is when you say “technical writing”. Let me provide you with a definition: “Technical writers create documentation for a technology. Their responsibility, like, is to effectively communicate a message. Technical writers are responsible for writing text that is helpful to its intended audience, accurate, readable, and accessible.” [Source: http://www.wikimirror.com/Technical_Writing ] Because it is misunderstood, it is underappreciated as a field. Most companies don’t recognize it for what it is and how it benefits them in the grand scheme of things. It is the tech writers that design and write the training and user help guides you use to do your job, regardless of your field. Airlines, computers, machinery, your DVD player; the instructions, help guides, pictorial inserts, all those are designed and written by technical writers. Many companies seem to thin that the writing of these documents are the responsibility of the product specialists, i.e. the technical support representative, the application or machinery designer, or the trainer. This is true to an extent, they are critical to the writing process. They do posses the expertise that is mandatory to inform and educate the reader. But what they lack is the writing expertise to deliver the content in a way that is most effective to the reader. The information needs to be communicated in a manner that is best for what it is designed to do. Training documents are not going to be written in the same way that airplane specifications are. Technical communicators are trained to provide this information. Just as the application developed is trained to develop an application, we are trained to effectively educate and help the user of that application use it to the greatest ability possible. With all of that said, it hurts me to hear of a person working in the technical communications field who is not educated in that area. Being someone trying to break my way in, to hear of someone who doesn’t have a background in any type of communications landing a tech writer position is practically offensive. There are so many of us out there that are trying to find any entryway in that we can grab a hold to. There are just as many of us already in the field that are mid career and above that are enduring the field’s declining market due to the “new wave” of exporting jobs overseas, on top of an already struggling market thanks to the dot-com crash. It is degrading to out profession to have “outsiders” securing our positions. In a discussion with an experienced writer recently he suggested that the technical writing field establish an association, similar to that of the National Association of Science Writers, NASW; or American Communication Association, ACA. This would help alleviate this problem that our field currently faces. There would at least then be a set standard for what we truly are here to do. We want to help, we want to enlighten, and educate. Placing “outsiders” in our positions dilutes our entire purpose and even worse, gives us a bad name; because the average person doesn’t know the difference between a “true, educated” technical writer and a person who is stepping in to that role without the background. All they know is the terrible, unusable documentation that is the end result.

Drop the top and let the sunshine in..

2005-07-27T11:12:00.000-05:00

Let me spread my joys in hopes of infecting everyone else, or at least to profess there is a "half glass full" mind running around here, instead of the "half empty" that has been trying to creep in.

My best friend from high school, E(yes the tone deaf one...lol), and her family are supposed to be moving down here in the next few months. I am soooo beyond excited. I've been trying to get her to move down here for almost as long as I have been here. She has two boys, 4 and 2, and just to have them all here will make my "family" even more complete.
Twin is graduating this weekend and I am so excited for and proud of her. We've both been stumbling through school for longer than we'd care to admit. I've already walked the stage, and although I still have a few classes before I'm officailly done, that feeling of walking the stage is very fulfilling. I'm so happy she's getting that experience!
I am finally satisfied with what my dating life has settled into. It is extremely lacking, but I am cool with that. I don't have the patience to deal with the quantity to get to the quality, so I'm just sitting back in the cut, watching and living vicariously through Twin who seems to be the only one in the crew enjoying her dating experiences...lol When it's my time, it'll come.
My baby boy is coming home this weekend. Yes it is a week early, and of course there is baby daddy drama fueling it, but I could care less. I am ready for him to be home with me, away from there where he is miserable. The sacrifices I make for him are worth it to me for him to be happy. He starts Kindergarten in 2 weeks and I am ridiculously excited. On top of that I found an afterschool program that is beyond economical, so I am ridiculously excited about that.

I'm dwelling on those positive notes, and leaving the negative ones up to the Man up above and letting Him work all those out for me. Seems to be the stresfree way to go and so far it seems to be working.

These are the secrets that I keep

2005-07-24T16:58:00.000-05:00

Some would call me closed, some would call me secretive. I look at it as selective. I don't reveal more than is necessary at a given time. And I recognize where that in fact comes from. I am a product of my upbringing. That is not a story of roses. After the age of 11 when my grandmother and great-grandmother passed, my family changed. Mama retreated into herself and spent more time with her new found love. She loved him...we despised him. I found myself playing "mommy" to my youngest brother, even more so than before. Over time, things became worse; the boyfriend was scum and right before my thirteenth birthday I moved out for the first time to my grandmother’s house. Over the next 6 years, I moved somewhere between five and ten times, in and out of one family member's house or another. Sometimes it was my fault I had to leave. I was boy crazy and often got in trouble one way or another behind some boy. Sometimes it was just circumstantial. They couldn't have me there anymore. In school I was pretty social; about as social as I am now with a select group of friends. So I learned to not talk about my home life. Home wasn't relevant to any topic I chose to talk about, and I didn't invite friends over. I'd hang out at other people homes, but never invited anyone over. And that worked out well for me. I proceeded from middle school right into high school with that mentality. Nothing to talk about… so I didn't. Kicking it with my friends at the mall, or on the block, or their house; just not at mine. The "secrecy" thing worked for me. It did make me somewhat quiet at times, which is why I am still quiet now. I don't talk about what's not going right in my life because I don't see its relevance to anything. Talking about it isn’t going to change it, so why bother? I have my outlets, whether that be writing or venting to one of the few people I feel I can vent to but, even that is only out of a physical and mental health necessity. If and when I want someone's opinion or advise on an issue, I ask for it but otherwise I just don't see the need for discussion. It's nothing personal, it's just me and I am content being that way. I don't shut people out. I just am very selective and cautious about whom I let in. And already I'm a victim of senseless and baseless gossip. What motivation do I have to open up anymore? I don't gossip and I don't care to be a part of anyone else’s. If you want to tell me that’s fine, but I’m not gonna be the one to discuss it anywhere else. What's the point? The downside is that, yes, I used to bottle it all up and not tell anyone anything. I learned my lesson from that the hard way and now I have revamped my actions. Along those same lines, never inviting anyone over, I never really learned that hostess/hospitality thing or ever learned to feel comfortable with people being in "my space" i.e. my home. I recognize that I can't (or I guess I should say shouldn't) stay that way and I am working on it. Yes, there will be a Happy Hour at my house soon (no date, just 'soon'...lol) Nothing mor than, a product of my upbringing. To an extent I am happy with it. I like my little cocoon. It’s safe and cozy and warm. But I feel the need (or maybe pressure) to let the little butterfly out too. Just gotta find that balance.

Musical Memories

2005-07-20T12:39:00.000-05:00

Dirrty - Christina Aguilera: Right after I moved out from living with my ex-husband I started partying more. I used to hang out with this dude and one night we went to Chaos. Chaos at that time was a really mixed crown and "we" hadn't really shown up yet. I had had just a drink or two, but I was somewhat of a "newbie" all over again so I was felling quite good. This song came on when I was on the floor kinda just chillin, cause I wasn't used to partying with "them'. Suddenly, I no long had control over my body. I was dancing so hard, I think midway through the song, I surprised myself. But I must've surprised my boy and his friends too. They'd kinda wandered off and came back to find me just letting loose. I remember the looks on their faces, and being amused that they were intrigued watching me. That was when I recognized that my dancing causes some heads to turn. Happy Birthday - Stevie Wonder: When I lived back home I never thought I'd get home since when I went away for college. I couldn't wait to get away. But once I got there, I was immediately home sick. I realized how far away I was and everyone else was so close they went home often. My birthday was maybe 5 or 6 weeks after I left for Baton Rouge, and Mama called me to wish me Happy Birthday. I answered my phone in my dorm to hear her singing "Happy birthday to ya, Happy birthday to ya, Happy Birrttthhhdayyyy" and I couldn’t help but cry. I was so silly, and so sweet at the same time. I really missed home. It got better not to long after, but I did leave after the first year anyway. Anytime - BrianMcKnight: Speaking of college, I learned love at first sight 3 days before I left Baton Rouge. O, maybe not first sight but by the end of the first night, we both admit to this day we knew there was something very special there. It was so hard that we met three days before I left, but that fate. At the last minute, I decide to try to go back to school there for another semester and went back down to Baton Rouge. I stayed with him the week I was there. Unfortunately, it was too late to get my financial aid package straightened out and I went back up to home. We knew long distance was not an option and although we loved each other for many many years our romantic love developed into a friendship love and we’ve been best friends for over 8 years now. HotMusic - Soho: I've been earning the name HotPants for many many years now. When I was a junior, I took a Pre-Calculus at the college I am not finishing my degree at(so glad to have had that extra credit too...lol). Because I had to go on campus to attend I had to get an ID, which means I now had a college ID. Putting it to good use, my best friend, E, and I who also took the course, would frequent the college parties. It was there that I cultivated my love for dancing and got my first taste of house music. I wasn’t' crazy about all of it, but this one song HotMusic, used to make me crazy. I would watch everyone get to clapping and moving and I fell in love. That song still gets me today and if I hear it in the car, I am likely to damn near cause an accident because I simply must clap to the beat no matter what. Killing Me Softly - Fugees: And speaking of E, I will forever hear Killing Me Softly in a tone that one else would want too. Lawd, BabyGirl I love you, but you are tone deaf! She used to love this song and would belt it out at the top of her lungs every time it came on. And all I could do was cringe and laugh cause she knew she couldn’t sing and could care less. I could learn a thing out two from her...lol Ribbon In the Sky - Intro: At 18, I left college after one year (that’s a story for another day) and decided to move to VA to live with my boyfriend and attend Hampton. I spent a week there securing an apartment and getting to know the area when we got in to a huge, huge fight. The distance between us was really startign to get to us. One the dive back to NY from VA, we had a long long talk about our relationship, and where we were treeing to go. It was at this time we seriously considered getting married. I remember Ribbon in the Sky playing and out of nowhere we both just started singing it. It was a very sappy, sweet moment, but one I'll never forget. Breathe Again - Toni Braxton: This is probably where my complex about singing out load comes from. When this song came out I was sooo in love with it. Every morning I would sing it in the bathroom while getting ready for school I was always the only one that was up so I would just sing my little heart out. One day my mom came in out of nowhere and started imitating me and told me she'd been listing to me snag it for months. And every time after that, whenever the song came on she'd start imitating me. Thanks for the complex Mama...lol Show Me - Jill Scott: My first date with a guy last summer went off the original path he'd planned it to. As we drove around readjusting our plans, Show Me came on and for a moment I became lost in the music. It was at that point we discovered how deep our love for music ran and how much we had that in common. That song became a staple for my feelings about our relationship hence forth. In Da Club - 50Cent: Go Shawty! It's ya birthday! This song was big right before my 24th birthday. I had just moved back to VA after running away from Atl. My best friend, Tan , and I came down here for All Star Weekend and to celebrate my birthday. All weekend we PARTIED!!! I won't talk about us dancing on the bars for shots, or in cages or any of that wild stuff, but every time In Da Club came on, we made sure everyone around us knew it was my birfday...lol Closer - Goapele: I had already fallen in love with this song long ago. Goapele is a very slept on artist and it's rare to hear her music on the radio or in a club. Out with the crew a few months ago, I heard it in the club and I rushed to get up and dance. it was the end of the night, I was feeling quite good I must say, and i remember my feet were hurting. but I had to dance to this song. As a rarity, Twilight was out with us and we ended up dancing together. it somehow became a very intimate moment between us, given our history. Anytime I hear that song, I'm instantly taken back to that night, that dance, that moment...very sweet. Everything I Do - Brian McKnight: Ok I don't have a memory for this song yet, but the words are so very moving to me that I hope that one day someone will love me enough to feel this way about me.

First and more than likely last time...

2005-07-20T11:05:00.000-05:00

Aight, this isnt like me and I don't expect it to happen again. I love to blog, love to write, but between being in and out of town, running the streets for this reason or that, writing and helping with website creations, and being somewhat under the weather, I am deferring the rest of the vacation to Twin. I mean she is Twin, what she said is what I woulda said anay. Besides she's a much better story teller than I am. Enjoy. Diamond & Hot Pant’s Big Adventure…Mommies in FL

Panama City or bust...

2005-07-15T06:49:00.000-05:00

So in true QueenT style, the Twin Family Vacation went a little haywire to say the least. We had a fabulous time...we just kinda had to rearrange a few things is all. But the kids had a GREAT time and that’s all that really mattered in the end. Day 1: The original plan was to leave out at 6:00 to arrive in Panama City around noon. Last minute packing uncovered a few last minute needs for the trip. Despite realizing this late the night before leaving AND being wide awake, we both decide to hit Walmart in the morning (despite it being completely out of the way) on the way out. "let's go before we leave because there no reason to have to wander around Panama City looking for a Walmart" Trip to Walmart for flipflops and snack = 1 hour. I mean who the hell were we fooling thinking we could run in and out of Walmart in 15 minutes. ETA to Panama City is now 1:00. Great lets roll... "Mommy, I gotta go potty". But of course, a 4 year old and a 5 year old; someone was bound to say it. But can we at least get out of metro ATL first. We'd only made it to Union City before il D had to pee. ETA to Panama City 1:30. Oh yeah, and our worry about not being able to find a Walmart on the way, we went to the bathroom at a QT, right next to Walmart. Let's roll(again) Our drive was eventless with the exception of my half ass reading of the directions that send us a half hour out of the way...coupled with 2 more bathroom stops, got us into Panama City at about 3:00. Oh yeah and Walmart: we passed 3 of them on the way there AND one about a half a mile from the hotel. Sam Walton is a damn genius...the Twins, well not so much...lol Check in, change clothes and off to the beach we go...but not before stopping at Walmart. You can always think of something you need, and Walmart is ALWAYS there for ya. Upon making it to the beach, the kids are just no more good. The Boy becomes a fish, and lil D, having never been to the beach before, thankfully followed right behind him. They coudln't have been in any happier if you told them they were moving in to Chuck E Cheese's. We spend the next 2 hours watching them run in and out of the water, laying in the water riding the waves, and yelling at them to stop going out so far. Kids that age forget they really cant swim...LOL In the meantime, Twin and I discover that Panama City apparently is the "beach wedding capital" We saw not one but two weddings on the beach. One of which we kinda sorta crashed before it even began. See what hap happed was...lol... The awning for the wedding was set up right as we hit the beach but we never saw anyone over there. So another couple gets hitched over on another side of the sand and we think "Ok maybe they just didn’t use it for whatever reason". Another couple strolling down the beach get under the awning and start taking pictures. Well of course after seeing them do it, we just HAD to do it too. So we take pics under the awning…and as we finish...the wedding planner comes down the walkway. Oh how quickly do the Twins scatter...lmao We're staring in the opposite direction, praying the planner doesn’t come over and say something to us. Thankfully she didn’t. We finally leave at sundown, about 2 and a half hours later, sun-kissed and tired. Day one was a success over all. Day 2 coming up...

Vacation: coming soon

2005-07-13T11:18:00.000-05:00

I promise! I been getting hate mail, it's coming, I just been really busy, but I promise to have it done by tomorrow night. Highlights: beach weddings, leavingGulf World soaking wet, a slumber party, a billion trips to the non-existant Walmarts, and of course an evacuation. Be back soon...kisses to all.

Just to get by...

2005-07-06T18:13:00.000-05:00

This quote was sent to me and I really had to share it: "Just because somebody doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. " On a another note... Twin and I are taking the kids on vacation this weekend. I am hella excited. I've never taken him on an actual vacation before. We've flown home and all that but this is a "real vacation". We'll be back on Sunday and knowing these two liltte monkeys, there will be plenty to share. Talk to ya in a few days!

PSA: A little tact goes a long way

2005-07-06T14:09:00.000-05:00

Gentlemen, Please, for those of you who don't know: tact will get you almost as far as flattery will. We all know you stare, sometimes we even like it. But please don't be so obvious about it that we feel like you have already climbed in our panties. The same goes for talking about us. Could you make an attempt to at least wait until we are out of earshot before you start withthe lewd comments. Appreciate us with tact and respect. Thank you.

Oh happy day!!!

2005-07-02T09:44:00.000-05:00

Happy Un-Anniversary to me!!! Yes, thats right I said UN-Anniversary. Today marks the anniversary of the day I was married. So of course, its only right to celebrate it. Oh yeah, wait...I'm divorced now huh? Does that mean I shouldn't celebrate? Nahhh, it just makes it an Un-Anniversary. Hey, at least I don't celebrate my divorce date. Although, maybe I should consider that next year...lol I guess this makes today a good day to talk about my marriage a little bit. Keep reading:)

Dangerously in love

2005-07-02T09:14:00.000-05:00

Blue Angel wondered: "why you were married at a very young age. What does a person think, when they are young and want to be married?" The answer to this may not be able to be answered in just one post, but I'll begin here. I chose to get married at the age of 20. I wasn't forced or pressured by anyone, it was what I wanted. And I don't regret it one bit. I was happy to be married. I was very happy to be with someone that loved me for me and was everything I wanted in a husband(or so I allowed myself to believe at the time). My ex was very loving, very attentive, very attractive, and treated me like a queen. On top of that, he was the father of my son, and for that, I loved him even more. When we were together he was a great father to him. I adored him and everything I thought he was. But, I was 20 years old, and I knew nothing. Even before we were married we had problems...big ones. I caught him in compromising situations many times before we were married. On more than one occasion, I considered calling off the wedding and leaving him. At the time, I allowed my pride to get in the way of what was best for me. No one knew the problems we were having and I didn't want them to. Especially my family. When I finally confided in my best friend, she told me to stay and give him a chance. Oh the number of chances I ended up giving him! Over time, I confided in a another person as well, and she and I ended up stumbling through very similar experiences within our marriage at very close times. There were moments when we wondered if the two of them were coordinating the things they did because the timing was so close. But again, I was young and I foolishly belived that "love conquers all" and I married him anyway. I thought once we moved to Atlanta, we'd have a fresh start and it would be "happily ever after". If I knew then what I know now about Atlanta, we would've stayed in NY. We met in December of 1998. We married and moved to Atlanta in July of 2000. And we seperated in April of 2002. During that time, I survived through online personals ads, workplace affairs, and financial hardships because of excessive child support, just to mention a few things. I turned to alcohol for a bit, suffered a miscarriage, and developed panic attacks behind this wonderful thing called marriage. Why did I stay? Because I wanted to believe he wanted to be with me. I wanted to believe the words when he said he'd stop, he'd give it all up, he wanted to be with me. What he really wanted was to make himself happy. Being with me just coincidentaly fit in there. But not enough to sacrfice the other things he wanted too. I used to be able to tell the story from the very beginning of ever single thing he ever did to me, in chronological order. Thankfully, time heals all wounds and I can't recall it like I used to. The scars are still there, though. For a long time, I didn't think I'd ever be able to get over them enough to have a new "baggage free" relationship. Thankfully, someone came along and proved me wrong. I don't despise my ex today because of the things he did to me. I am long over all of that. I despise him because he is a despicable father. Not just to my son, because in the big picture, he is there more for my son than any of the other kids before mine. But, I am very close to the son rigth above the boy. His mom and I are tighter than people could ever imagine...thats my BabyMama(a post for another day, trust me) And my ex has no contact with him whatsoever...by his own choosing. Once my ex leaves a family, they no longer exist to him. That is why I despise him. BabyMama and I are more concerned with his kids than he is. But I am more than at peace with that. We have enough love for all the kids to provide all they could ever need. I don't know if I completely answered the question. If I didn't, Im sorry. I'm sure this topic will come up again at some point in the near future.

The one that got away

2005-07-02T09:07:00.000-05:00

Though she is by no means a "replacement", Twin holds a special place with me that my own sister didn't quite reach. Yes, for those of you that know me, I do have a sister. For the record, I have four brothers and a sister including extended family(ya'll know who we "colored folks" are"). My sister and I didn't grow up together. She's nine years older than me and we have different mothers. Our relationship developed around the time I was 13 or 14. I recall us spending time before that sporadically, but we really became 'sisters' when I was a teen. I'd spend most of my weekends at her house. It gave me a chance to eascape from whereever I was living at the time and kick it with my big sis who was always into something and my niece and nephew. Oh, the stuff I used to get into being over there. Not that I was a super bad kid, but I was a little more boy crazy than the average teen. With my sister being so much older I'd find myself around older guys, which developed into a norm for me to date guys beyond the "acceptable" age my dad had set at just the 2 year gap. When I was 14 and 15, I remember baby sitting my niece and my nephew, and then the next nephew and the peace of mind I had. I was away from home, I was safe still, and I could just chill. Then she'd come home at 3 and 4 in the morning and wake me up and tell me about her night. I used to always tell her I was mad cause she woke me up, but honestly, I used to love just hearing about all the fun she had. Once I hit 16, I started going out with her too. By then, our little cousin was old enough to watch the kids. It still amazes me that I use to get in the club with her ID. Though we are sisters, we don't look all that much a like. She's about 5'1, dark skin, very very slim...I mean if she weighted 100 lbs, we'd crack jokes and call her heavy..lol I was 5'5, "redbone", and about 125 or so. We resemble in facial features and we both wear glassse...that's it. So for me to manage to get in the club week after week was not quite luck, but more about letting the "cute girls" in. This is the time in my life when my love for reggae developed. Not just cause I love the music and you can't help but dance to it, but to watch my sister dance is to watch a Sean Paul video. The girl gets it. She was a pimpstress, and I was in training. There'd be streams of guys, and we never paid for anything. At 16, I just thought that was what life as a woman was supposed to be about. I could recall countless stories of things we used to get into. She made my life at that time much easier than it could've been. It's hard to admit that we fell apart behind a guy, but we did. For some time I was even mistaken about what guy it was. I graduated at 17, but due to some problems with the paperwork for my scholarship, I couldn't leave for the fall semseter, I had to wait until the spring. During that time, I worked and mostly chilled at my sisters house. She threw a party for her birthday in September and her boyfriend at the time was there, among everyone else. My boyfriend, J, showed up much later, after I'd been drinking and was feeling pretty damn good. Not long afterwards, J went away to boot camp, and we broke up because I started dating another guy, Ant. (Man, talk about one of those things you wish you could take back. He is another post by himself.) My sister never was all that crazy about Ant. Mostly because of who he was, but partly because she liked me with J. I finally left for school in January. By then Ant and I were long done, and I realized the mistake I'd made in leaving J, especailly while he was away at boot camp. I reconnected with him to work on getting him back, and in a letter I got from him around my birthday, he told me he'd been home and had been by my sisters looking for me. She gave him a ltter while he was there. In the letter, she told him that she'd slept with Ant. Can we say speechless??? I had no idea what the hell was going on. Sis slept with Ant? She told J? What? Why? WTF?!? I hung up with him and immediately called her, in desperate need for an explaination. She tells me that she slept with Ant because at her birthday party(back in Spetember, mind you) I was standing in front of her boyfriend in a short dress and bent over in his face. Ok...hold up...stop right there. Let's review the facts: I'm 17, which makes her 26; drinking alcohol,lots of it; in a standard short dress, which was common for me then. You're telling me you slept with my ex because I drunkenly, mistakely showed my ass to your boyfriend(who come to find out later they werent even together then!). Then on top of that, you dont tell me, you tell my exboyfriend about it?! Where is the logic in that?! She told me that she told him and one of her girlfriends and waited for it to get back to me. Sigh...wow! I was completely in shock. I couldn't belive that my sister; the yin to my yang, could do this to me. We didn't speak for months. I went home for the summer, and I tried to go see her. I really missed my niece and nephews and even more importantly, I wanted to be the bigger person and us to just be sisters again. But I just couldn't do it. She acted like it was nothing and she wasn't sorry. We didn't speak again for about 2 more years. In that time, I moved to VA, and back home and had the boy. I tried to reach out, she never really reached back. Our lives had moved on without each other. Over the next 2 years, I got married... she never got an invite and I moved to Atl. I came home for my uncles funeral; we saw each other once. Over the next 2, I left Atl and came back. We saw each other once, on a trp home from VA one holiday. I last saw her last summer when I went home for my moms birthday in July. We caught up and laughed and had a good time. We promised to kep in touch. I never happened. I invited her to my graduation. She talked to my mom; told her she was coming. I didn't hear form her the entire time I was home. I can't say I don't miss her. She is my sister after all and we were once very close. But, our lives have grown so much apart, that it really doesn't affect me to not be close to her anymore. I hear about how she is doing from my dad, and I think to myself how sad it is that I have to hear about her from someone else. I try to reach, she doesn't really reach back. I don't want something to happen to one of us, and we never had the chance to say how we feel to each other. September will be around again shortly. I'll reach out again on her birthday like I do every year. Maybe one year she'll reach back.

And you wonder why

2005-06-27T08:32:00.000-05:00

Most of the "I wonder about yous" from the interviews last week were that people didn't know much about me and that they're curious about me and why I am so "private", for lack of a better expression. Whats funny is SizzledK's comment that not only doesn't she know me, but she'd rather know me from me, than from what she's heard because people are gonna say what they want(I hope I didn't sum that up inaccurately, K). I don't get it. Who's talking and what are they saying? I'm not mad that K made that comment, in fact, I'm thankful that she did becuase I was pretty much in the dark. I think I had some ideas that people may have been talking, but I may have closed my mind to the idea of it up until this point. But umm, again, who is talking and whats being said? And even better why? I'm reminded of the past incident in which I was Guilty by Association . I was accused of talking about someone behind their back. They had to have "heard" this from someone somewhere. It's amusing that I am one of the quietest people, although it may not appear that way always; I really just run with a group of people and that could make it seem that I...hell, I don't know what it looks like. I guess it looks like I am talking about people, or even more, gives people something to talk about. I guess I am gossip worthy. Don't know how, since I don't do much, but ok, I'll be that. Ya'll talk, speculate, gossip, hate if ya really wanna. I'm amused and pretty much unfazed. Don't know what ya'll have to talk about, but I hope it's really juicy. Oh wait, even better...somebody IM me or email and share it with me. I wanna gossip too. Love hugs and kisses you all. Forever QueenT

Me? An alcoholic? Nahhhh

2005-06-25T21:31:00.000-05:00

Here's an admission for you. Alcoholism runs deep on both sides of my family. My dad is recovered(congrats Daddy, I know you have an anniversary comnig up) and my uncle is as well, last I'd heard anyway. My mom...well I try to live in denial about my mom. But, two of my uncles on her side; one passed away still an alcoholic, the other has been clean for damn near 10 or fifteen years now. I won't even go back and further than that, or stretch out wider into the family tree. I think you get the point. With all this in my background, I have had a deathly fear of alcoholism all of my adulthood(i.e. post child years) I used to drink like a fish before he came along, but having a child makes you all responsible and stuff. What really fueled my fear however, was at a point during my marriage, where things were so bad I couldn't sleep. I'd find myself up, lying in my bed, staring into space at 1, 2, sometimes 3:00 in the morning, and still have to get up at 6:00 to get myself and the boy ready for the day, drop him off at daycare and then go to work... to come home and do it all again. This went on for about three months. One night, I got up to get a drink of water, I looked in the cabinet and saw the bottle of Hennessy. And a thought formed. Hmmmm, if I drink a lil of this, I'll be able to fall asleep, then I won't be a walking zombie in the morning. So, I down a swig or two and get back in the bed. And the sleep came. But then the morning came too, and I was even more tired than if I hadn't drank anything. The next night, I go with out a drink until about 2:00AM. Then I decide I need to sleep anyway I can get it. Off to the kitchen for another swig or two. Ahhh...sleep. This cycle went on for about two months. And I think I progressed each week, one or two swigs became a shot glass full, and then pouring a little bit in the bottom of a glass. Straigth uncut, no ice, no chaser. Drink, sleep, and miserable mornings. Thankfully, I realized the severity of what I was doing after about two months and I cut it out. No, I didn't leave him(dummy me), but I went back to soberly not sleeping. Just the fact that I got to that point of drinking myself to sleep scared me, badly. It made me realize that I am open to the idea of drinking away my pain. It was easier to take a drink and forget about what's not right in life. And I knew from that point that as long as I lived on my own, I'd never keep alcohol in my home. And 95% of the time I don't. Occasionally I'll buy a 6-pack of Skyy Blue coolers and drink them over the course of two weeks. About 6 months ago I was given a bottle of vodka as a gift. I told myself I wasn't going to open it. When I did finally open it, I drowned myself in it for 3 days straight. You never know what circumstaces will come along in your life. One that brought me the need to run and hide from a deep pain, found a home in that vodka bottle. So I work to resist the urge on bad days to stop at a store and buy a bottle of anything and instead just go home and ride the bad day out...find some other way to release that stress. Because I know how tempted I'd be just to drink that stress away. Knowing it would still be there when I wake up, and want to drink that away too. Funny thing is, the biggest driving force keepign me from every becoming n alcoholic, is knowing that everythign in my life would compeltely fall apart. My son would end up with his father(umm, hell naw!!) I could lose my home, my job, my car, everything that I need to survive. The thought of not just losing all that, but recovering and having to totally rebuild the life that I personally destroyed, that just fuels me to NOT hit the package store, grocery store or even the corner store(what ya'll know about that corner store...lol). I'll go out and have a drink with someone if the day is that bad...thank heavens for Emergency Happy Hours. But alcohol in my house?!...unless I move in with someone, I'll never keep it in my house. Why put that temptation in front of myself if I know how severely damaging the outcome could be?

Hot Thursday

2005-06-24T08:42:00.000-05:00

The dating scene has been cold for me lately. Not really sure why. I'm starting to wonder if I'm giving off that "don't even get the notion to look this way" vibe. Sometimes I do it without even realizing it...that usually is realized by some dude coming up to me and telling me to smile or something. Then I know I've been mean mugging all night...oooopss. I think I was on fire last night though and it really was amusing. Walked in the door and smack into the face of this dude I met at Insomnia about a month or two ago. We'd talked on the phone for a bit, around the time I was hella busy with the last few weeks of school. About three weeks past before I finally had time to go out with him, but by then his indecisiveness and constant sexual innuendos had gotten on my nerves. We made semi plans for a Saturday night, but his indecisiveness about what to do, what time to do it, so on and so forth mad me say "fuk it" and just not answer when he finally called at 9:00 after making tentative plans for 8:00. He called a number of times afterwards over the next week, cussing me out on my voicemail, and I was so amused I figured he wasn’t even worth me calling back to make up and excuse or tell him I'm not interested or anything(Note to the men: don't be a b%tch and cuss a woman out on their voicemail) So, walking in I laugh and cringe, and decide to just be polite and give a head nod and keep it moving. He mean mugs me and I laugh even harder and I tell Twin whats up. Not 5 minutes late he's in my face asking me what I looked at him like that, why I didn't call, blah blah blah. Without giving away the little game I have, I'll just say I said enough to spin the situation on him and convince him that it is his fault that I never returned his calls. Which technically is not a lie...lol And off he went after spitting some more BS at me. After my guy friend showed up, he, Twin and I hit the (insanely packed) dance floor. As I look out across the floor I see a very familiar face. Excusing myself, I work my way over to BabyFace. He and I have been friends for about two years though we don’t see each other that much. He goes to school in North Carolina so we only catch up when he's home. I had to light into him for not calling me when he got home for the summer. Then I had to pick up my face when he told me he didn’t call because every time he called me when he was home on Spring Break, I didn't return his calls. And he's right...I was still in school and we all know how hectic that time was. Anyway, we kissed and made up (figuratively, of course) and I told I'd call him...and I will. That's my sweetie pie. One of the few guys I know is my friend for who I am and not what I look like. After a couple of songs, my guy friend, Twin and I decided to move away from the floor fro a little air. He led the way, with me behind him. Not three steps away, I run into a face that seems familiar, and is giving me a look like I should really know who they are. So I ask, and he reminds me that I met him at Insomnia(yeah that was a hot night as well, 'cause I met him the same night as the other one...lol). We exchange some words, 'cause I pretty much ignored his calls too. There is a reason I ignored most of the calls from the three guys I met that night...but if I admit why...lol, nevermind. Anyway, we exchange numbers again, because I actually did want to talk with him and see whats good. And again, I keep it moving. The rest of the night was spent with me kicking it with my friend and Twin, who was getting her mack on in between conversation with various characters (and I do mean characters in the unflattering-ist way possible). All in all a very good night for HotPants and Diamond, especially on a weeknight outing. And now...its Friday and we're on the loose again!!!

Hmmm...just maybe

2005-06-24T07:09:00.000-05:00

Keeping with my two week policy(see below), I won't give a name to this person just yet, nor will I say much about them, but I will say this: someone has caught and held my interest. I'm curious to see if this person will make it the full two weeks. So far holding my attention on the phone is a good indication because I am sooo not a phone person. Holding it in person even more...he's showing a lot of potential. I think I'm a little excited...lol ***Two week policy: a guy is usually not discussed in detail, nor is he given a name, until after being aronud for two weeks. This policy was developed out of two scenarios; one: most guys mess up before two weeks and since I meet so many that do, it became hard for my friends to keep up with who was "in" and who was "out" because they came and went so fast; two: making it damn near to two weeks showed they had a good amount of potential and I didn;t wantr to jinx want could be a good thing, so I didn't call anyone by name until after they'd past two weeks.***

If you are ever in this scenario...

2005-06-24T06:47:00.000-05:00

If you live near your best friend, and go out with them on a weekniight, and spend the night at their home, and leave at 5:30 in the morning to go home to get dressed for work still in your club attire, and think you need a cup of coffee from QT, don't stop and get it. All heads will turn and stare at you as you walk in, fix your coffee, pay for it, and then leave. Very awkward that early in the morning...lol

Deconstructing QueenT

2005-06-23T14:39:00.000-05:00

Well, I really am surprised it has taken so long, now that I look at it. Twin has pulled my card and she's dead on point. Not many people that know me, know much about my past. One, maybe two...and thats only because they were there then. Everyone talks about "when I was a kid..." or "growing up I..." or "I remember one time when..."; you don't hear me say those things. Most people have a lot of fond memories of their pasts. And don't get me wrong, I have plenty too. The problem is, when I look back, I recall the bad ones much more clearly than the good ones. And because I try not to dwell on negativity, past or present,as well as not liking to complain about anything at all...I remain tight lipped. I am not going to delve into my past immediately. I will work on revealing a little bit at a time on here. The good , the bad, the happy, and the sad. My upbringing, my high school years, and even some of my marriage. As none to these are things I talk about much, as time goes on, I'll get into them. For now I will make a general comment. One thing my past has provided me with is perfecting the art of appearing normal and happy on the outside and have turmoil, stress and be coping with an obscene amount of bullshit on the inside. I confess, this isn't all that great of an art to have mastered. I can almost gurantee that is how I managed to internalize so much that I developed physical ailments. Nevertheless, it is a great defensive mechanism. It's so much easier to push it all aside, and leave it behind. However, not talking about it could be the cause of many of my current demons. I'm going to challenge myself to reveling one thing from my past a week. Maybe I'll learn something about myself in the process; maybe I'll set myself free. Either way...you asked for it, you got it.

I know You and You know Me...

2005-06-23T07:11:00.000-05:00

Stolen from SizzzledK(by way of MzB)... You: post a comment with your name Me: reply with the following You: make sure you do the last step of posting this in your blog...if you have one. This ought to be fun...lol ************************************************************************************ 01. Reply with your name and I will write something about you. 02. I will then tell what song/movie remind me of you. 03. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, it would be... 04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you. 05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you. 06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of. 07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you. 08. Put this in your journal(Blog).

Put up or shut up

2005-06-22T07:32:00.000-05:00

You know when you are doing somethingt that isn't quite right. You seek out the advice of those closest to you, in hopes of figuring out how to best handle the situation. The situation may not be wrong, per se, just a difficult one that doesn't have a simple solution. But you are hurting and complaining, and leading peopel to believe that you want help to rectify the issue. If you are one of these people, please listen closely to the following: If you don't plan to change the situation, don't keep running to those who love you crying, complaining, or asking them what to do. Your friends and family love you, and if you are in this type of sitiatuion, obviously there is something painful about it, otherwise you wouldn't be complaining. If you are in pain, more than likely those that love you are feeling it with you(to a degree of course). The problem is, if you aren't going to do anything to change the situation, you are choosing to inflict that pain upon yourself. You have options. If you opt to remain in the situation, don't make your friends endure it as well. If you must complain, or cry, or just plain let it out, find an alternate source. Exercising and writing are great sources of release. I'm sure there are plenty more out there as well...be creative. When you are ready to "get right" and be happy, in whatever decision you choose, your true friends will be right there to support you. But, until you make a firm decision on whatever that is, don't pull your friends down the seemingly destructive path you chosen for yourself, by seeking out their support and then abusing it. Let them love you and be there for you when you truely need them. Don't abuse their support, or it may not be as readily available when you need it most.

Happy Father's Day

2005-06-19T14:23:00.000-05:00

To all of the men who live up to their responsibilities emotionally, economically, spiritually, and any other way imaginable to their chilren, I wish you Happy Father's Day. To the women who are having to play both roles, mother and father, to raise their children to be the best that can be, that hustle to provide with no one else will, that after dark from frustration and anger and fear of not being able to give their children all they need by themselves, I salute you and wish you Happy Father's Day too.

First summer weekend as Mommy

2005-06-10T23:16:00.000-05:00

This was my first weekend with the boy since he's been gone to his male parental unit's house. It was a great weekend, despite being able to already see the negative influnce the sperm donor is having on him. The weekend actauly started on Thrusday. I had to pick up the boy from West Hell, because the sperm donor refused to bring him to his school for testing. Because of when the boy's birthday falls, the school wanted to test him for advanced kindergarten placement. Unlike the sperm donor, I will bend over backwards to do what I have to do for the boy, so I took time off to take him to get tested and then spent some time with him befire taking him back to West Hell later that night. From those few hours, I could already tell we're gonna have adjustment issues when he gets home to stay. Just the little things he says that a little "too smart" and little things he has already forgetten are rules in Mommy's house. But I recognize that it is all a part of "dual households", so it'll be ok. Let me not forget to mention that his male parental unit took it upon himself to cut my baby's hair all off. Now, my boy doesn't have long hair like a girl, don't get it twisted, but he has curly hair so I keep it just long enough that you can tell he has curls. Oh no, his sperm donor decides to cut it all off, and tell me only after I bring him back home, that he did it because the boy is out playing all day and it's less on his head to make him sweat. Logically, it was a good decision(for once in his life) but he could have let me know he was gonna do it, so I didn't have to walk up onmy bald child and practically scream in terror at his naked head. I picked him up early Saturday , and we ran all morning long. He was tired from the moment I got him. This didn't really surprise me though. Whenever he is over there, he never seems to get enough rest. That's ok , that what Mommy's house is for. It's sad that I actally pay enough attention to the boy to recognize his needs, and the sperm donor can't quite figure that one out. All kids come from the same cookie cutter to him. Anyway I digress. We ran errands and went to eat with Twin and the kid before laying down to nap. Always look forward to "family nap time" After a three and a half hour nap(and that's with me having to actaully go get the boy out the bed), we went to see Sharkboy and Lavagirl. If you haven't seen this movie yet, DONT!!!! I haven't seen such trash since The Arrival. Just plain terrible. but the kids loved it, so that was enough for me. We ended the day watching Return of the Jedi, and the boy pulling out his loose tooth. This takes us to 5 missing teeth, 4 of which are all on top...lol Sunday was pretty uneventful with one exception. We relaxed in the morning; he took a short nap and then we went to see Madegascar. Once it was time to leave the movie and head back to West Hell, the boy really made sure I knew he didn't want to go back. He'd been telling me all weekend he wanted to stay with me. I know he wants to be up under me, he's used to just me, while he has to share over at the male parental units home. There are 7 or 8 people undre wone roof. As we walked out of themovie theaher, he simply began to cry. Not hard, not loud, just a silent cry. My heart broke. I didn't want to send him back. I'd love for him to stay with me. but atthe same time I can't take that time away from his sperm donor. As much as I would love to, and am pondering the idea. I tried to reassure him that he'd see me in 2 weeks and he could call me anytime. I asked him why he doesn't call me and he said his dad won't let him. I kept my fury to myself, somehow, and told him I would call him since he can't call me. He sulked all the way there. Talking to my mom on the phone, he made sure to let her know,too that he didn't want to go back. It was all I could do not to cry. I miss my boy, and I can't wait to have him back home. the vaction is nice, but knowing he is not so happy there is not worth it to me. I am already ready for August to get here.

My first Tag

2005-06-08T15:04:00.000-05:00

I feel so special!...LOL I am not in the slightest bit surprised by results. That ethics class wore me down in this area. Peace, love and happiness to the world, if you leave it up to me. I would love to tag the cynical men in my life Monroe, Mack, and Da Professa. ***Update - that darn Twin!...lol I'm taking back my Tag on Da Professa...since she got to him first. But I am reassigning it to Shawn. Show us what ya got sweetie!*** ***Update to the update - I hated to take down the actual post but that table was messing up my blog template too much so here is the summary.*** You scored as Justice (Fairness). Your life is guided by the concept of Fair Justice: Everyone, yourself included, should be rewarded and punished according to the help or harm they cause. "He who does not punish evil commands it to be done." --Leonardo da Vinci “Though force can protect in emergency, only justice, fairness, consideration and cooperation can finally lead men to the dawn of eternal peace.” --Dwight D. Eisenhower More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page...

Reason #152 why I am still single

2005-06-04T12:15:00.000-05:00

So the conversation goes a little like this: LameDudeintheClub: So what do you do? Me: Tech support LameDudeintheClub: Really? Me: (confused)Yeah, why do you say it like that? LameDudeintheClub: No reason. You are level 1 or level 2 support? Me: Level 1 LameDudeintheClub: Oh. That makes sense. Me: (astounded)That makes sense??? What is that supposed to mean? What? AmI too cute to be smart enough to be level 2 support?? LameDudeintheClub: Nah, thats not what I meant. What I meant was that you just don't look like you do tech support is all. Me: Oh so a woman can't be attractive and smart too...hmmph... LameDudeintheclub: Nah, nah, its aint even like that... Now by this time, I have turned around and started talking to Twin, ignoring his lame ass. He's been there talking to us for about 5 mintues and just bought us a drink when this conversation took place. Despite me trying to ignore him, he stands there and keeps talking to me. After about another 5 minutes of conversation where I alternate between blonde and bitch just to amuse myself, she and I get up and leave the bar. Not at all taking the hint, he comes up behind me on the dance floor later in the night, and instead of asking me if I wanted to dance with him, grabs me by my hips(which is a helluva no-no!) and begins to grind on my ass. I turn around to face him so he can back up off me. We dance his way for a minute and I spot this fine, chocolate specimine to the right of me, walking by towards the bar, which we werent very far from. At this point, I just have to turn around to get another look at him. Over hearing Mr Hershey's conversation with his friends, I listen to their discussion about how so many men ahd seemed to have brung their girlfriends with them to the spot. At this point, I'm looking him dead in his face(still dancing with LameDude, mind you), determined to make eye contact. He looks, and then looks away. Looks again...yep, I'm still looking. He leans in and asks if I'm with LameDude. Nope, I reply. I keep dancing...and keep looking at him. After a few more mintues, he leans in again and says loudly "when you get through with this wack dude com talk to me". I laugh and say "Cool". I know LameDude heard this, 'cause he immediately tried to turn us around as we danced. So with that mission accomplished, I turn back around and get him off my ass again. Still dancing, he proceeds to manuver into that "legs intertwined" stance, and grind on my leg. Ewwwww! I'm guessing his tactic was "let me show her what she could have I she gets with me instead of that other dude". Negro PUHLEASE!!! That has got to be the worst turn off ever. Had he been someone I was interested in to begin with, that wouldn't have worked...to be Publicly Lame Dude #1...lets just say I planned to make sure he KNEW he had no shot with me. So I turn back around, and Mr Hershey is still over by the bar. I make eye contact again, and make sure LameDude can see I'm looking at Mr Hershey. And then I just walked off... heading right in the direction of Mr Hershey. Looking back over my shoulder as Mr Hershey and I step out on the patio, the look on LameDude's face was priceless! Thankfully, conversation with Mr Hershey was quite nice, considering we were in a club. We exchanged numbers and went on our way. He was a much better reflection of the "type" I was seeing in the club that night anyway. There was an abundance of head turners in the club...I just happend to get caught with with the "one of these things, is not like the other" dude. I'm sure he still doesn't quite understand what happened. Betcha his dumb ass calls me today...lol

Don't lool at me like that!

2005-06-03T10:02:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I said it...out loud...So What?! I don't know why some people are surprised when I say some things. It is true that I am not a very talkative person, I don't really speak unless I have something to say. But when I do speak, I am pretty outspoken. I'm not rude, now I do have tact, but I will say exactly what I mean; and it's usually what you were thinking anyway. I'll say it in a way that some people(the slow ones) won't even realize what just happened and I just cussed them out...lol. I am not about to bite my tongue 'cause it's the "politically correct" thing to do. Nah, that PC stuff is for business conversation only. If we're cool, don't look at me all crazy cause I said anything and/or everything. I just call it like I see it. Besides you know you wanted to say it too, I was just doing you a favor...lol

More time...less productive

2005-06-03T08:46:00.000-05:00

I'm going to admit, I didn't see this one coming. Multitasking has ALWAYS been my strong point. That was one of the biggest reasons I felt I could take on four classes and work and take care of the boy and still have some semblance of a social life. I willingly admit that was more of a challange than I needed amd I'm happy to have move past that. However, I was not prepared for the backlash from trying to do too much at one time: loss of multitasking abilities. My goodness, I can't get anything thing done. I can't keep my focus. I can't finish what I start. I almost feel like I can't do anything at all. It's driving me crazy. I have work I need to do in regards to a business opportunity, and I can't keep focused on what I need to do. And its not as if the work I need to do isnt work that I enjoy. My main objectives are all surrounding writing. Yet, I can't find the drive to do it. This project to me is hella important to me, and it's frustrating that I can't focus on it. I don't even blog like I used to. I used to get in at least one post every other day. Now it's maybe twice a week... if I'm lucky. With the boy gone and class out, I should be able to get work or blogging or even a little creative writing done, with plenty of time to spare. Instead, I come home, read everyone else's blogs and then want to either just sit and "be" or sleep. And speaking of sleep, DAMN, that's all I want to do lately. I think because I was running on fumes the last few weeks of class, all my body wants now is to rest. And I know thats not a bad thing, and I deserve it. But it is still cutting in to my overall productivity. I'm hoping that as it took me a couple weeks to adjust to running full speed during the last semester, that I'll be able to come back into a good place where I can function again. I guess I wasn't as prepared to not have things to keep me busy as I thought. Can't slam on the brakes next time, gonna have to find a way to slowly roll to a complete stop.

Couldn't resist

2005-05-29T20:52:00.000-05:00

Besides, Faith said anyone who read this list on her blog had to do it...so I apologize for the length but blame her...love ya girl! :) (x) Smoked a joint (still don’t see what the big deal is…lol) ( ) Been in a wet t-shirt contest. ( ) Crashed a car ( ) Stolen a car (x) Been in love (sometimes foolishly) (x) Had a threesome (x) Been dumped (x) Shoplifted (I couldn’t JUST be boy-crazy as a teen, had to make it interesting…lol ) (x) Been fired (Neva eva eva.) (x) Been in a fist fight (ok, only 2 but they count) (x) Snuck out of the house ( ) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back (But have had the opposite happen way to often to count) ( ) Been arrested ( ) Made out with a stranger ( ) Gone on a blind date (x) Lied to a friend ( ) Had a crush on a teacher ( ) Been to Europe (x) Skipped school ( ) Seen someone die (x ) Been to Canada (Home is only an hour and a half from the border…I love Niagra Falls) ( ) Been to Mexico (x) Been on a plane ( ) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show (I keep hearing I am sleeping on this though) (x ) Thrown up in a bar (Gotta remember to eat when you gonna drink…lol) ( ) Purposely set a part of yourself on fire (Huh???) (x) Eaten Sushi (been there done that..I’ll pass) ( ) Been snowboarding (x ) Met someone from the internet in person(Lawd, too many to count…and you would think I’d have learned my lesson from meeting my crazy ex-husband) ( ) Been moshing at a concert (x) Been in an abusive relationship (emotionally counts..sigh) (x) Taken painkillers (x) Love someone or miss someone right now (Hate to admit that) (x) Laid and watched cloud shapes go by (x ) Made a snow angel (I loved snow as a child…you have to do it at least once) ( ) Had a tea party (x) Flown a kite ( My Dad and I used to spend hours doing this) (x) Built a sand castle (x) Gone puddle jumping (x) Played dress up (x) Jumped into a pile of leaves (x ) Gone sledding (with all the snow we get back home...yep!) ( ) Cheated while playing a game (x) Been lonely (x) Fallen asleep at work/school (How can you not when you always volunteer to work holidays..lol) (x) Used a fake ID (And my sister and I look nothing alike so I always wondered how that worked…LOL) (x) Watched the sun set (x) Felt an earthquake (and thought it was my brother jumping on the bed..LOL) (x) Touched a snake (x) Slept beneath the stars (x) Been tickled (x) Been robbed (x) Been misunderstood (Always!!!) (x) Pet a reindeer/goat (x) Won a contest (And enjoyed the hell out of that Ludacris concert!) (x) Run a red light ( ) Been suspended from school (x) Been in a car accident ( ) Had braces (x) Felt like an outcast (I wasn't always so outgoing) ( ) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night (x) Had déjà vu (Too many times to be normal) ( ) Danced in the moonlight (Not yet, but it would be nice) (x) Hated the way you look ( ) Witnessed a crime ( ) Pole danced (x) Been obsessed with post-it notes ( I can’t function without them) ( ) Walked barefoot through the mud (Ewwww!) (x) Been lost (it's not lost tough, it's finding newplaces..lol) ( ) Been to the opposite side of the world ( ) Swam in the ocean (x) Felt like dying (x) Cried yourself to sleep (sigh...yes) ( ) Played cops and robbers ( ) Recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers (But I should..and I will) ( ) Sung karaoke (it’s on the to-do list) ( ) Paid for a meal with only coins (x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't (haven't we all) (x) Made prank phone calls when you were younger ( ) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose (Nah...but I snort if I laugh hard enough so that is enough right there) (x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue ( ) Danced naked in the rain (That Should be on the to-do list…LOL) (x) Written a letter to Santa Claus (who hasn’t?) (x ) Been kissed under the mistletoe (Sigh...so sweet) (x) Watched the sun rise with someone you care about (x) Blown bubbles ( ) Had a bonfire on the beach ( ) Crashed a party ( ) Gone rollerbladdin' (x) Had a wish come true (Got a few more waiting though) ( ) Worn pearls ( ) Jumped off a bridge ( ) Screamed the word penis in public ( ) Ate dog/cat food ( ) Told a complete stranger you loved them ( ) Kissed a mirror (x) Sang in the shower (and everywhere else I can when I’m by myself) (x) Owned a little black dress (x) Had a dream that you married someone ( ) Glued your hand to something ( ) Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole ( ) Kissed a fish (x) Worn the opposite sex's clothes (my favorite way to feel close to the one I love when they aren’t with me.) ( ) Been a cheerleader ( ) Sat on a roof top (x) Screamed at the top of your lungs (is a great way to vent) ( ) Done a one-handed cartwheel (Ha! I’d be happy to do a two handed one) ( ) Talked on the phone for more than 6 hours (x) Stayed up all night (x ) Didn't take a shower for a week (My drug of choice is a bath) ( ) Picked and ate an apple right off the tree (x) Climbed a tree ( ) Had a tree house ( ) Are (NOT) scared to watch scary movies (x ) Believe in ghosts ( ) Have more than 30 pairs of shoes ( ) Worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say ( ) Gone streaking ( ) Played chicken ( ) Been pushed into a pool/lake with all your clothes on (x) Been told you're beautiful by a complete stranger (and I blush every time) ( ) Broken a bone (x) Been easily amused (am always easily amused) ( ) Caught a fish then ate it (Me?! Fishing?! Yeah right!) ( ) Caught a butterfly (x) Laughed so hard you cried (quite often) (x) Cried so hard you laughed ( ) Mooned/flashed someone (x) Had someone moon/flash you (x) Cheated on a test (x) Forgotten someone's name (x) Slept naked (you mean there are people who sleep in clothes?!) ( ) French braided someone's hair ( )Grown a beard ( ) Belong to the KKK

Here's a lil about me

2005-05-29T18:38:00.000-05:00

I came across this sitein my blog hopping and the little quizzes on here are not only cute, but really dead on...at least for me. Here are my results from a few...try some yourself and I'd love to hear about yours.

Your #1 Love Type: INFJ

The Protector In love, you strive to have the perfect relationship. For you, sex is nearly a spiritual experience, a bonding of souls. Overall, you have high expectations for any relationship you're in. However, you tend to hold back a part of yourself. Best matches: ENTP and ENFP

Your #2 Love Type: ENFJ

The Giver In love, you give your all and feel guilty when relationships fail. For you, sex is not seperate from love and caring. Overall, you are humorous, giving, and motivational. However, you tend to be over-protective and critical of your partner. Best matches: INFP or ISFP

Your #3 Love Type: INFP

The Idealist In love, you crave a long term, harmonious relationship. For you, sex doesn't come quickly - it takes time for you to open up. Overall, you are supportive, nurturing, and expressive. However, you tend to be shy and protective of your personal space. Best matches: ENFJ and ESFJ

What's Your Love Type?

Your Deadly Sins

Greed: 80%

Gluttony: 60%

Pride: 60%

Lust: 40%

Sloth: 40%

Wrath: 40%

Envy: 20%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 49%

You'll die in a castle, surrounded by servants.

How Sinful Are You?

Your Birthdate: February 11

Your birth on the 11th day of the month makes you something of a dreamer and an idealist. You work well with people because you know how to use persuasion rather than force. There is a strong spiritual side to your nature, and you may have intuitive qualities inherent in your make up, too. You are very aware and sensitive, though often temperamental. Although you have a good mind and you are very analytical, you may not be comfortable in the business world. You are definitely creative and this influence tends to make you more of a dreamer than a doer.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

I survived! - Smurfest '05

2005-05-29T17:49:00.000-05:00

Ok ok...I know ya'll are like what the hell is Smurfest?! Twin, being the hostest that she is, is launching the first annual(wonder who's gonna catch that...hmmm) Smurfest - the pre-Memorial Day, blue themed cookout at her new home. I have been looking forward to this all month, as this kicks off the summer, its a holiday weekend and I officially switch from full time Mommy/part time HotPants to fulltime HotPants/part time Mommy. Looking back, I wasn't really ready for Smurfest's drink of choice - BlueJuice. Oh boy!!! Thankfully I didn't pul a Notorious M.I.A. move, but I did end up knocked out in Twin's bed. I have realized that things that would normally make absolutely no sense sober make perfect sense when you are drunk...such as climbing under the blanket, pulling it all the way over my head and thinking that if someone looked in her room for me, they wouldn't see me 'cause I had the blanket pulled all the way up. Yeah...gotta put down that 5th cup of BlueJuice next time...LOL Anyway, I love my friends...and I guess their friends too, cause Smurfest was just the bomb (yeah I know that expression is hella old, but I haven't replaced it with anything yet...am open to suggestions) The crew was their regular crazy-ass selves as always. I did miss those that weren't there-you know who you are;) I was happy to see people that I hadn't seen in quite some time. And those that I missed altogether, sorry ya'll...but no one told you to show up so late...hmmph. Most importantly, I am so happy that Twin's Smurfest was all that she wanted it to be! Quick shouts to:

Furious for playing grill man all night...you know we appreciate ya.
Notorious M.I.A. for sharing a story that you can only share with those you don't mind laughing at ya...and will still love ya for it...LOL.
Chartruse for falling into the fold and being just as loud and silly as the rest of us.
Peanut for coming out of hiding...PEANUT!!!!! and bringing the girls, they are adorable
Twin's cuz for NOT wearing blue...shame on you...lol
S.Dot for keeping the kids entertained...like I been saying it's all love sweetie, hope ya doing well.
The really pregnant girl for letting me rub her belly (ya'll KNOW I couldn't help it!)
Mic for showing her face too...what's up girl!!!
Last, but neva eva least...Twin just for playing the hostest with the mostest even drunk!!!

If I didn't mention you, it's either cause I was too drunk to remember your names, or how silly we were or I wanna make a comment about you that just could be a lil bit much...LOL

Smurfest '05 was the best kick off the summer possible. ATL, ya'll better watch out!!!

**Can't wait to see the pics...lol***

Must be somethin' in the water

2005-05-25T20:31:00.000-05:00

The new rage in Atlanta seems to be for two people to meet, seem to be very compatible, become emotionally attached to each other, and yet leave their relationship open or "undefined" as to still be able to do as they please with whomever. For some people this type of relationship works. However, those are usually people who have mutually agreed to this. The problem I am seeing repeatedly is that one person in the situation blindly; meaning She is only seeing He, She is emotionally attached, and She is under the impression that He is in this to see where things could go. As things do indeed go well He and She will become Us, and no one else will be betwixt that. He,. on the other hand, is developing an emotional attachment, and while His and Her actions are exact to those of two people in a committed relationship, they are not "committed verbally” and therefore allows Him to be free to do as he chooses with whomever. Now, I will state for the record: He is right. He is free to do as he pleases. They are NOT committed. But, by not ensuring that She is aware of the "openness" and not letting her know that he is not intending on making a commitment down the road, despite the two being compatible, he leaves the door wide open to break her heart, tear her down, and make her less open to the next relationship. My question really is this: If you meet someone that it seems like you could be good with and for and all that other mushy stuff, why would you want to continue to date other people? Why wouldn't you want to really see where things could go? Why would you continue to string along someone that you know would like to be in a relationship, when you know those aren't you intentions? As I can't begin to answer that myself, I'm just gonna leave that just like that...wide open. If anyone has the beginnings of an answer, please see me immediately. As "not just the president of the club, but also a member", I'm gonna speak on behalf of all of us when I say this, "you people are gonna mess around and destroy the hearts of many others; and when the time comes that you are indeed ready to settle down, you are gonna have to deal with the emotional baggage that another person has created by doing the exact same thing you did to another person" . Whatever that special ingredient is in that water is gonna get ya’ll messed up one of these days. Hopefully, ya’ll wise up before that day comes.

Nerdy vs Girly: Star Wars Episode III

2005-05-24T08:41:00.000-05:00

Most people wouldn't know it by my outside appearance, but I have some nerd-tendancies from time to time. Besides being technical(well to a degree anyway), I am into sci-fi a little more than the average girly-girl. I may not know all the history, but I know a enough to carry on a decent conversation about it...lol So the girly nerd went to see Star Wars Episode III this past weekend. OMG!!! I am still speechless 2 days later. This movie really blew me away. The cinematography, the action, the characters, the story, everything was great. Even if you hadn't seen the foirst 2, you could still enjoy this one. But I found myself in conflict. The nerdy and the girly were watching ther movie with 2 different sets of eyes. Girly vs Nerdy thoughts:

Anakin is a cutie!
Padme's love was just not enough to keep Anakin from turning to the Dark Side.
Had Anakin not gone over to the Dark Side, i think Pademe would have lived through child birth.
The lightsaber fight scenes were just plain and simple: Outstanding!
Just how old is Chewbacca?
Yoda is the Man!

There is a lot more, but I really don't want to give the story away. But you must see this movie, it is awesome and for the not so diehard fans, it rounds the story out and give closure. I know the true Star Wars fans would disagree, though.

***Oh yeah, I have to make mention that Wars of the Worlds is coming out this summer and Chonicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe is coming out in December. I sooo can't wait!***

Dream lover

2005-05-17T15:28:00.000-05:00

I haven't lived at home since 2000, but I do get home at lease once a year, occasionally more than that. Oddly, every single time I am about to go home, I dream of my boyfriend from high school, J. Our relationship ended a little shakily, and the last time we saw each other was in 98 right after Christmas. Things were still in that awkward phase at that time, as we'd just broken up in September. We haven't seen or spoken to each other since then. I have thought of him over the years in passing; just wondering how he is doing. I heard through the grapevine back home that he's married with 4 kids now...wow, glad that wasn't me...lol But I would love to get in touch with him just to catch up. He was my first love, he'll always hold a specal place with me. His mother, however, is dead set against that idea...lol Being with him for 4 years, I knew his phone number back and forwards - in my sleep, so to this day I still know it. I tried to call to leave a message through her about a year or so ago, and the minute she realized who I was, she began cursing me out, making sure to tell me that "J is married with 4 kids now". Now back in the day, I would've just sat back and taken her going off on me. She is now and always has been a very mean spirited person. My mom grew up with her and her sisters and she's always had a nasty attitute. She couldn't stand me then and she made it clear her feelings for me had not at all changed. However, I'ma grown ass woman now...so it was nothing for me to cut her off in mid-cussing to let her know that I wasn't trying to get back with the man, I was simply trying to see how he was doing. Before she could get another word in, I asked her to please let him know that I asked after him and hung up the phone. It's sad that some people let that much negaitivy flow through them. Anyway, once again I am going home soon and I dreamt of J last night. Subconsiously something must be up, cause I swear my dreams are always sexual in nature and last nigth was no exception. (I swear I don't want im now, really!!!...LOL)It would be nice to some how chat with him to play catch up. A lot changes in 6 years. But I'm sure that won't happen anytime soon; not with his mama blocking...lmao I hope he is doing well though and he has found the direction in life he realized was for him. He was always a good guy...just not for me.

My I's

2005-05-16T09:29:00.000-05:00

I Am: everywoman

I Want: to be loved unconditionally

I Have: the ability to develop greatness within my son

I Wish: there was a rule book to life

I Hate: negativity

I Miss: my freetime

I Fear: failure

I Hear: the cries of my heart

I Search: for the next great adventure, big or small

I Wonder: if men and women will ever get in the same book...asking for them to get on the same page is just too much

I Regret: Nothing!

I Love: myself above all others

I Always: take a person's actions as truth over their words

I am not: a trophy

I Dance: every moment I can to every beat that moves me

I Sing: every love song

I Cry: whenever I need

I am not always: as strong as I appear to be

I Win: when I persevere

I wear: my heart on my sleeve

I lost: myself...I don't know if I will ever find all of her

I Lose: myself in music

I Confuse: myself when I don't take time to think things through

I Need: to succeed to show my baby boy what a strong Black mother can do

I Should: make more time for myself to just "be"

Alert Alert Alert

2005-05-16T09:19:00.000-05:00

Men...when women are in a bad mood, sexual advances do NOT distract us and make us feel better. They annoy us. They contribute to our bad mood because you end up coming across as insensitive even when we know you don't mean to be. Sex is a great stress reliver, true indeed, but there is an art to it and bringing it up in conversation when we are in a bad mood or stressing about something is NOT it. It's all about timing people. Take note and be aware. You have been warned.

Why I don't talk in the morning

2005-05-16T08:21:00.000-05:00

I am NOT a morning person. Anyone who has been around me for any extended period of time knows this about me. I am irritable and cranky, and overall a not so nice person. And while I can fake it 95% of the time, it's still very BAD idea to come to me with some BS anytime before about 11AM, when I am pretty much more awake and functional. Doing so will result in you f*&king up my attitude for the entire day. And while yes, I can take steps to regroup and make the day a little brighter, do me a favor next time and just don't talk to me unless I speak to you first. I don't want to hear your shit when I already don't want to be awake, don't want to be here, and don't really give a damn about what you are talking about.

Introspection

2005-05-10T13:50:00.000-05:00

Most people think it hard to admit when they are wrong to others. For me, its even harder for me to admit that I am wrong to myself. I don't mind being wrong among others, and am more than willing to admit it, apologize, learn from my mistakes and move on. But to look within myself and admit that what I have been doing is wrong just isn't as easy for me. I have been unhappy with my job for at least 9 months now. I can honestly say that I have mastered it and have since become very bored, and I have made it a point keep management aware. Not because I am a complainer, but because I want to be given more responsibilites. I don't work well when I am not working, if that makes sense. My job is mindless to me, therefore, I become bored and miserable. This however is not an excuse. In addition, because I am dissatified with my job, I don't put in as much effort as I could or should into getting there before my start time. And in accounting for traffic, that sometimes makes me late. I have been using traffic as an excuse, but lets face it, if I planned to get here 15 minutes early instead of rigth on time, I wouldn't have to worry quite as much. I called in late today so I could handle a bunch of stuff. And when I got in I found out my manger had gotten fed up and basically cussed the entire team out. As a whole, we have not been up to par, in regards toas calling in late and calling out altogether. It wasn't so much that she cussed me out too, 'cause I know I got the "tame" version. But she said something to me that really slapped me in the face. She told me that she basically can't even begin to try to go to upper management to get me anywhere else within the organization because I am not upholding my responsibilites to this position. And I know that she is right. I am basically holding myself down at this point. No matter how good I am at what I do, no matter how much I help everyone else on this team, how great my stats are, if I can't live up to the basic responsibiltes of showing up on time, how can I be entrusted with any other reponsibiltes in any other postion. Damn, I'm really mad at myself. Once again, its easier to do the wrong thing than to put in the effort to do the right thing. However, it's time for me to stand up and take responsibility for what I am and am not doing. I don't have to like my job. But, I do have to appreciate the fact that I have one, when there are so many that don't. And I do have to respect the reponsibilites I have in my current postion. I accepted the job knowing what it was, and I have to uphold what I agreed to before I can take on anymore. Queen is now standing up.

Suppressing emotions

2005-05-09T13:48:00.000-05:00

Here we have just one more documented case of Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus... I stumbled across this one guy's blog today and in one of his postings he talked about feeling all giddy and excited about hearing from a female he has feelings for. Then he proceeded to say how he knew that admission sounded "lame". In a conversation with a guy friend today who is notorious for his "freaky" side, he made the comment that women generally don't take his sensitivity serious. Both of these really got me to thinking...why is it that men don't seem to thing it is "cool" or "manly" to display their emotional side? Now I am not saying that men need to walk around spewing out their hearts to anyone who will listen(unless you are just that much in love, in which case that is just Beautiful); otherwise, after awhile that would just become sappy. But to hear a guy say that he thinks its "lame" to feel excited that someone he really likes called him, is just heartbreaking. I would hope that anyone that has true feelings for someone would be excited to hear from that special person(hence the reason why I say, if you don't contact me, I assume you aren't interested...but I digress). The same holds true for guys who consistantly have some type sexual comment for women, all the time. That persona you display is all anyone knows of you. If you are always talking about sex, I am gonna think that's all thats on your mind. And personally, I'm gonna blow you off, 'cause random sex is the furthest thing from my mind, and I have more than enough lames throwing sex at me, instead of throwing their intelect and conversation. Guys, please show us that sensitive side form time to time, just enough for us to apprecite it and let us know that it's there. I promise we won't think you are lame.

Just cause you don't...

2005-05-05T09:31:00.000-05:00

Maybe I'm overly sensitive today. I'm a lil sleepy, a lil hormonal, which always equates to cranky. But dammit, why does it seem like some times people who don't have reponsibilities don't quite respect those that do. And I guess its more so people who are younger than me that do this. Why is it that that people that have a full knowledge of how much I am doing rigth now, will ask me if I am doing this or that, and when I say I can't go they are looking at me like "dang why not?". Now as I'm writing this, I'm raalizing that I have said somethnig very similar to this not too long ago. That is not a good thing. 'Cause at this point, I'm realizing I am gonna have to address this head on. I recognize that I am very driven, I am very motivated, and sacrifing to the limit of insanity is not above me. If this is not in your character, that is fine, I don't expect anyone else to be that way. But if I say I'm not going out, and I say why I'm not going, don't question me beyond that. And don't be looking at me 5 years down the line wondering why I have my own shit, and am in full control of my life and my career. 'Cause I sacrificed and persevered to have what I want, while ya'll were out drinking because Cinco de mayo was a "good excuse to go drink".

NBA vs College

2005-05-04T12:49:00.000-05:00

As I get ready for work in the morning I listen to V-103. While Frank and Wanda get on my last nerve, I can't go without the Inspirational Vitamin and the 7:00 Wakeup Workout mix. In between those two this morning, they were discussing this year's McDonalds All Star(or all-American maybe?) from Georgia. Apparently, the senior is expected to announce today whether or not heis going to go pro NBA or go onto college. As I am listening I am thinking to myself, this boy should go on to college and get his degree, or at least get a start on it to get the motivation ball rolling; maybe go pro in a year or two and still be working on completing his degree. Imagine my shock when I hear Frank yell out "Get that money boy!" WHAT?!?! Are you seriously telling me you think that this boy shouild make money his priority and lay aside his preparation for the future?! You have got to be kidding me. What happens when this boy injures himself in his first year? What then? When did we start making money our number one priority? Why shouldn't he follow his heart, his dreams to the NBA. That, I could at least understand. Because truth be told, he can still pursue his degree while going pro. Online school...'nuff said. But to make his reasoning to "get that money" just saddens me...truly. And I won't even get on the boy not being mentally ready to handle all that pressure at such a young age. I have never like Frank and Wanda because half the stuff that comes out of their mouth is just idotic(yeah, I know that ain't a word, so what...lol) Today they further proved my point. I hope to see the young man do great things, whatever he chooses, and I hope they all in preparation for his future...the future beyond his pro-ball days.

Praise where praise is due

2005-05-04T12:09:00.000-05:00

I was doing some major blog hopping last night(while I shouldve been doing home work..lol) and stumbled across EJFlavors.com. I was already digging the content of the page; and I noticed he had radio.blog on his site. I though cool...maybe he'll be nice enough to help me with it on my blog too. I sent him a quick IM and he was more than willing to when we both have time. It wasn't until to day that I was really able to get a look at the music and playlists he has up on his site. OMG! Let me die now...I am in Heaven! The stuff has on there! The old school is really what got to me. Stuff that I don't have on my own PC and would love to have. Stuff that I wouldn't have even thought of. Talk about "Lost in the music"...man, I am about to lose my job sitting here playing this at work. I am a music junkie til the day I die...and I MUST give praise where it is due. Thank You EJ!!!!

Mothers day

2005-05-03T11:39:00.000-05:00

Mothers Day is approaching quickly and I need to show my love and appraciation to the mothers and mothers-to-be in my life. So many women have influenced me to be the mother I am today and I always want them to know how affected I am by thier love and support. Happy Mommy's Day to all! SpecialK: You are one of the strongest, most intelligent, and loving Mommies I know. Your boys know this. No matter what happens, NOBODY knows how good you are better than those boys. When they grow up they will know who was there and who was not. And they will always cherish you. Your struggle now will indeed payoff later. MyVicarious Mommy-to-be: Stop worring. You are going to be wonderful. You little girl will be strong and healthy, and your family will be blessed. Everything that is supposed to happen is going to. You will not have to worry for anything. Enjoy all the moments Mommy-hood is going to bring you. BlackSheep: Cuz, no matter what ever happens, we all love you. Don't think we don't. And we know you love your daughter. You don't always recognize how what you do affectes her. Until you are willing to face your own demons, you can't begin to heal from them. Face them, cuz, don't pass them on like your mom did. Break the cycle. You don't want to see your daughter go through the things you did growing up. You are stronger than you think. You Can do this! Twin Tower: Girl! I admire you so much. Your son is so strong, intelligent, and well rounded; all the things I hope to raise my boy to be. You truly are one of the greats and it shows in your offspring. Keep doing what you are doing. He is going to love and respect you even more for it when he becomes the man you are raising him to be. Stace: Cuz, I love you so much. You don't know how much you have influenced me and how I raise my boy. You raised those two girls to be beautiful, articulate, gifted young women. You persevered through thick and thin. Worked double shifts more time that I can ever try to count. And that taught me to make ANY sacrifice to give my baby everything I want for him. Your girls will pick that up from you if nothing else ever. You are the strenght that I draw from when I can't see the light. I love you! My AtlSurrogate: You came out of nowhere and I know only God Himself drew me to you. You stepped up right on time, when I needed exactly what only you could provide me. Your enlightenment has seen me through some rough days. Thank you for being exactly who you are. Twin: What can I say?...lol You are raising such a delightfully bright little man...words just escape me. To be in his presence is a pure joy. Your Mom and Peaches reflect through you and their influnce lives on through you within Little D. He is growing up to be all the little man you want him to be and then some. MamaTwin: Just being Twin's mama, alone makes you special to me. Thank you for raising her to be the wonderful, intelligent, almost well rounded(LOL) woman she is. I thank you for her...my life would not be the same without her. GiGi: Ilove you so much. I don't tell you that enough. I have to make you more of a priority in my life and I plan to do that. I don't want to take your presence here on this Earth for granted because I know that my time with you is limited. I think I expect you to just live on forever, but I know that is not possible. I appreciate everything you ever did for me. And so does everyone else, even BlackSheep. She loves you, no matter how she acts. She can't help it. But you did your best. Don't feel to blame. You have been all you can to all of us, and we will always love you for that. Gramma: Even from above, I know that you are with me, every single day of my life. I am trying to live up to evenything you would have wanted me to be. I am trying to raise my baby boy to be all you would've expected in your first great-grandson. I am doing my best to take care of Mommy as you would want me to. I miss you everyday, and there are so many times I wish I could turn to you and just be near you. But I know you are near to my heart and my spirit and that you still guide when I need. I hope I dont disappoint you. BabyMama: Who da hell woulda predicted out relationship?! Two women with kids by the same man, usually dont make for a good friendship. And equally despising that man will foreer keep us bonded..LMAO But we have become more than just friends...you forever be my BabyMama. You are raising my boy to better a better man than if his sperm donor was in his life. Trust me, you do not need his influence on him. Between you and your family, he will be just fine. The oher boys are better off because they dont have to worry about hearing from him. I know you think the sperm donors influence would be better than none at all; it wouldn't, I promise you. Take my boy, go to Cali and give him everything; all the stability he needs and deserves. Hey, since your out there, maybe we can finally try to get in touch with the other two. I love you girl and we will always be fam. Our boys need and deserve each other. Mama: There is no better Mommy on this Earth than you. You have made me the woman I am today. Your love and support and encouragement had held me down on my lowest days. When I was weak, you reminded me why I am indeed strong. I have learned from your mistakes as you have wanted me to. I see you in me and I laugh because I always said "I'm not gonna be like you when I grow up" But I am, and I wouldn't want it any other way. You always say I am just like Gramma and I am more than proud because to be like Gramma is to be like you too. I love you Mommy.

Yet again...random thoughts

2005-05-03T09:44:00.000-05:00

Expertise comes from applying what you have experienced to future scenarios
God blesses you when your truly and openly embrace Him
Atlanta really has a shortage of tall men..whats up with that?
Girls can be technically savvy too, dammit
I am not yet an ABW, but I still ain't taking your BS
There has been some really great music to come out in the past few week's: Faith, 112, and Mariah Carey
Why the hell is this runaway bride making so many headlines? Do we NOT have more important things to concern ourselves with? And why is there a debate on whether or not to charge her? She lied about being kidnapped to escape getting married. There is no question here...her crime was premeditated...Charge her!!!

Crazy

2005-05-02T19:52:00.000-05:00

I need to go off on a tangent from Twin's post about not being able to successful pull of the Crazy role very well for a minute. While she acknowledges that she can't...there are a lot of other women out there that can, and do VERY well. And it is amazing to me that so many men, run over, abuse, mistreat, and don't take this into consideration. To state it for the record: Women DO have a "Crazy button" It is masked when there is not love in her life, but once love arises and she is all wrapped up in being a man's everything...when ya'll mess that up, ya'll are fingering that "Crazy button". And trust me, you really don't want to push it. Because once you do...oh boy!...you have no idea what you can turn that woman into. Listen, we can only take but so much. We have a high, high threshold for pain on all levels: physical and emotional. But, please understand that there IS indeed a limit. And once that limit is reached you don't really know if you are gonna end up with flat tires, or harassing phone calls at your job, or dead rabbits boiling on your stove ALA Fatal Attraction. Ya'll need to start thinking about the consequences and repercussions that could possibly come from your deceit, disloyalty, abuse and mistreatment. You only think you know what is behind that woman's eyes. You will realy find out when you abuse her love...she may just find a way to physically show you just how much emotional pain you have put her through. And I am pretty sure men don't have the ability to come out alive through the end of that.

Drowning in the music

2005-04-30T00:11:00.000-05:00

Love can sometimes be an emotion in which you can overindulge. Anyone that knows me, knows this to be true about my personality. My love for music is no exception. Music is ingrained in my mind, body and soul. I cannot function without it and I cannot deny it. I can't work, I can read, I can't "just be" without music in the background somewhere. The music however, sometimes instead of being a represenation of my feelings, sometime take on a mind of its own and consumes me. I have found myself somedays being dragged down into a deeper depression by playing music that heightens my senses; taking my depression level from a 4 to 7. Me'Shell Ndgeocello has an eery abilty to affect me that way. She makes me want to free my heart and let my soul fly and convince that person that I just know should not stay to stay just once more. That certainly cannot be deemed healthy. Though it feels good to listen and get lost and know that those words describe to a "T"and of what I am feeling and that I am not alone, at the same time, they are preventing me from escaping the hole I chose to climb into. Fortunately, my love for music has also saved me from sadness and anger. Jill Scott's positivity is infectious to my soul and she has climbed in to my mind, heart and soul on many a day and left me feeling that one isnt such a bad number and that I truely am golden. My living and loving of music will never end, but I am now aware of how my love sometimes consumes me and takes me to a place I don't need to be. Learning and growing everyday.

Fragile: Handle with care

2005-04-29T22:50:00.000-05:00

The question remains: "Why do men have the idea that women need to be "protected" from the complete, unfiltered truth?" What filter do men have on thier eyes that show a "Fragile: Handle with care" sticker on us? I mean really. Women carry and birth children, endure menstrual cycles, and demonstrate countless other strengths. What in the hell makes men think we can not handle your truth. We heat the same ole bullshit, day in and day out. Humor us why don't you. Give us a change of pace. You want to start your own business and we have to support the family for sometime, we can handle that. Dont lie. You want to leave to be with your ex-girlfriend/wife/boyfriend or whatever. We will not die. You may like to think life revoles around you...but it doesn't. Not to the extent that we can't handle hearing the truth. I'm going to put it realy simple and plain: Full Disclosure. We need it, we appreciate it, and most importantly, we respect you for it. We don't want half the stoy. Trust me when I say, it is the other half of it that you are trying to "protect" us from, that is going to come back and bite you in the ass and turn a 2 alarm fire in to a 4 alarm. And in the end, you don't save us from being hurt...you only prolong it and deepen it. Put yourself in our shoes. "Honey, I have to confess, I had an affair" she says. He breaks down, cries, and they eventually move on and heal. Six months later, he finds out whom she had an affair with was none other than his best friend. He now has to relive this pain and more because of the added knowledge of the deception and disloyalty by not one loved one but 2. Oh but, ya'll would be quick to point the finger and want to walk out the door and shit. Think about that the next time you want to "protect us". That Fragile sticker washed off with the rain of our tears many, many years ago. We are a lot stronger than you think...give us the respect of the complete truth, the opportunity of feeling what we feel, and making our own choices and learnign our own lessons accordingly. More than likely, you will be surprised with the results.

Why I don't go home

2005-04-28T21:47:00.000-05:00

Home sweet home. For some anyway...lol Home has declined drastically since I was little. But still there are things that only home can provide. Allow me to share my home with you. http://www.blogthings.com/rochester.html ***Thanks Monroe...love ya***

When it rains…the worms crawl out

2005-04-28T14:42:00.000-05:00

In the Queens Fantasyland, people don’t like to get what they want, they don’t try to woo you with words and not follow through, they don’t hide behind comuter screens,and they catch the hint. The cutie is a damn idiot. If you can’t keep your word with me, you are cut off. At least from a dating stand point. And considering his first major standup was on my birthday…he’d already shot him self in the knees. Despite that I gave him 2 other chances and each time he was a no show on different levels. So, I told him not to call me, and I told him exactly why. I didn’t chicken out like I used to and just not return his calls trying not to nice and not hurt his feelings. WHY does he still call me??? If I don’t return your voicemails, what do you think that means??? You don’t let a few weeks go by and try again! I’m not gonna call you. Stupid…crawl back into your hole where all the lil airheads think you are the shit cause you are a pretty boy and let you do whatever u want cause you are pretty….moving on… The ultimate liar is still a damn liar…lol OK, he got me once. Came back around a year or so later with a long voicemail apologizing for the deceit and the “I miss you”s and “I didn’t appreciate you”s and the “Lets try to be friends again”. Aight, it sounded sincere. One dinner later and he’s back to the same lies and drama. And of course I went back to giving him my voicemail and unreturned text messages. Well guess whose back, with the same ole tired lines. Let me state it…once I write you off, you are written off, you can say and do and cry and plead as you please. If you don’t appreciate all that I am to you when I give it to you…your loss. The money is nothing to be…its written off too. I pray for you simpletons.

When you don't do your job...

2005-04-26T19:52:00.000-05:00

From Merriam-Websters Online Dictonary: Main Entry: ad·vise Pronunciation: &d-'vIz Function: verb Inflected Form(s): ad·vised; ad·vis·ing Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French aviser, from avistransitive senses 1 a : to give advice to : COUNSEL b : CAUTION, WARN c : RECOMMEND 2 : to give information or notice to : INFORM intransitive senses 1 : to give advice 2 : to take counsel : CONSULT- ad·vis·er also ad·vi·sor /-'vI-z&r/ noun Please note the underlined areas. This is what I expected of my school advisor while taking classes. Knowing my requirements to graduate is her job. Informing me of what is and is not available during the upcoming semester is her job. Reading the emails I send her, being that that is her preferred method of communication woul b e an integral part of her job as well. Yet somehow, my "advisor" failed to inform me that the Earth Science course I need to graduate is NOT available in the summer. Does anyone rememeber when I am supposed to be done with class? I only talk about it how often? I only sacrificed the past 2 months, with the intentions on sacrificing the next 3 because I am supposed to graduate when? In the damn SUMMER! Not in the Fall when the Earth Science course will be available! So after thanking God that I only visit home now and dont live there because I truely would have been under the damn jail for killing her for messing up my whole life...I found two courses at GSU to replace the sciences and fill my last liberal arts requirement. Of course reaching the admissions department there is next to impossible. Which has given me time to think(uh oh ya'll watch out I'm thinking) I have sacrificed a lot this semester. Had many sleepless, homework filled nights and been unavailable to my loved ones. And the semester is not yet over. I haven't been able to work on things I want to see grow and blossom. I have been physically and emotional drained. I haven't been able to put my house together and I moved in February dammit. But more than any of that...I haven't been able to spend time with my son. I underestimated the both of us when it comes to the sacrifice I made on that. Every weekend spent at his male parental units house; unable to spend any kind of quality time with him when we get home from work and school; one too many nights of chicken nuggets and french fries. Less hugs and kisses and more TV time. And my baby boy innocently saying in passing "Oh yeah, my Mommy has lots of homework to do too" and "Mommy's always tired". No, no, no, no! Enough. My completing my degree in one less semster is NOT worth my son seeing his mommy unavailable to him all the time. I am doing pretty well in my classes. Right now I see 3 B's and a C (guess which class is the C class...lol) I am satisfied with that. But I am going to take 2 classes in the summer and 2 in the fall. Two is not overwhelming...two is manageable...and two will not rob my son of his mommy. I love my baby more than anything...I have made greater sacrifices than this to give him the absolute best I ever could. I can sacrifice another 3 months to give my baby back his mommy.

In my meantime

2005-04-26T19:15:00.000-05:00

Iyanla Vanzant really is a goddess to me. It's not that her principles are so unique that she is revolutionary, because in reality, plenty of people try to deliver the same messages. But it is her twist on the delivery, her choice of words, her manner of infusing real life examples that anyone can relate to that make her style of self-enlightnement all her her own. I read "In the Meantime" earlier this year after a very difficult time in my life. The most important life changing thing I picked up(and I did pick up many, many things) is to allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling. To deny yourself to feel, is blocking yourself from healing. You can not get past a feeling, whatever that feeling is, if you are trying to not feel it. Which in reality is really a simple ideal, but so many of us run from our feelings, trying to hide them or block them, thinking we aren't entitled to those feelings for this reason or that. That is crap! You are entitled to every feeling you ever have. There is no such thing as a "wrong feeling". It is right because you feel it...plain and simple. Because I didn't know this for years, I caused myself a number of health problems. I refused to allow myself to feel the pain I was enduring because I didn't want anyone else to see it, or because I thought I could ignore it and it would go away. I didn't. Not the way I wanted it to anyway. You may think you have tossed it aside and its gone for good; but your body can and will tell you differently. I found myself on medication after about 2 years with anxiety attacks that my body does NOT allow me to ignore. Migraines that at times blur my vision because I chose to keep trying to handle everything on my own instead of letting myself feel what I feel and letting it pass. The feelings festered in my body and mutated it, causing permanant aliments, that could've been avoided had I just cried when I hurt or talked to someone about what I was feeling, anything to just let it out! When I am in pain now, I cry. I don't try to stop it and I am happy to let the tears flow freely. When I'm depressed, I talk to someone for as long as I need to. When I'm angry...well I am still working on that one, 'cause really I want to fight when I'm angry but of course that isn't possible. The other alternative would be to exercise, but the timing isnt always opportune for that. So that is still a work in progress...lol But I no longer beat myself up whenI feel hurt or sad or lonely or anger or pain. I allow myself to feel it, no matter how hard it is. Because I know there is another side and its a peaceful side...and it comes a lot sooner when you just let the feelings come and go immediately rather than trying to hold them back.

The "baby" bug

2005-04-22T11:16:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure when or where it first started but I realized today that the "baby bug" has really hit me. I know I am too young for it to be my biological clock ticking. People I know, inside and outside of work that are either expecting or have recently had babies are that is really starting to have an impact on me. My best friend in VA just gave birth about a month or so ago, and while she's 600 miles away, just knowing how happy she is with her new little one is bringing me joy and excitement. A friend here as well has a baby on the way, and while the situation is somewhat "unconventional" (for lack of a better term), the soon-to-be born little one is tugging at my own umbilical cord very strongly. One of my co-workers is about 7 months now and for the past month I think I have bonded more with her baby, than she has. She comes by my desk every morning so I can rub her belly:) We have talked about me wanting another one under the "right circumstances" and she always laughs when I talk about how much I enjoyed my pregnancy despite the problems I had during it, and how much I want to carry another child. No one seems to understand how I feel when I say that having a child growing in side you is an feeling comparable to NOTHING. To me it is the most beautiful experiences ever in a woman's life. And right now I am seeming to really want that. Of course I'm not crazy enough to do anything studpid like have one just because I want one. Hell, I'm already stuck with one of the world's worst baby daddys(yes I said baby daddy and I meant it, thank you very much). But I at least thougth that was going to be a permanent thing. I am not going to go out and get another potential lame to father the next one. If its meant for me to have another child, I know it will happen. For now, I guess I'll have to settle with living vicariously through all the preggy women around me.

The Ga DMV expierience

2005-04-19T21:10:00.000-05:00

Thankfully I can say the DMV has gotten exponentially better since my last experience with them in 2002. I arrived at about 7:50 adn there were about 15 people in front of me. Not bad at all. They opened promptly at 9:00 and once I got in the door, it was only about 20 minutes before I got to the window. So I was in and out by about 9:45. Beautiful! Back in '02, I got in line at 7:00, and wasn't out the door until 11:30...imagine what my happy picture looked like...lol So I am pleased wih the strides the DMV has made. BUT... The elderly: shoul'd not have to stand outseide in that line to get in. There should be some kind of provision, or seating out side or something fro older adults. There was alittle old lady about 5 people in front of me...which made her about 10th in line. Again, I got there at 7:50, which means she probably had been there since at least 7:30ish. So she stood in line at least 90 minutes before going inside. That is not acceptable. Elderly individauls have special neccisties and they should be accomdated. Cultural diversity(*Disclaimer*: I am NOT insensitive to other races/nationalities): I have noticed that Middle Easterners don't seem to have the same need for personal space as others. Behind me stood two genterlmen from that area whom I noticed were standing very close to me in line. So I took a step to the side as to not invade the space of the guy in front of me. As I am reading my book, I notice they are still just as close to me. So I move a lil more. Five times I move, Five times, I find them still standing practically on the back of my heels. The man could've told me what store I bought my perfume from he was so close to me. But I wasn't rude. I just keep side stepping and sucked it up. Rude: The two chicks in front of the guy in front me decide they want a smoke to pass the time. Since the guy in from of me was seated on the curb, that left me in the direct path of the smoke. Even before I knew they were smoking, it hit my nose. I looked up, and politely(much much more than I'd intended) ask her to step to the side with her cigarette. This heffa looks at me like I'm out of line daring to ask her to move. I hope she didnt think because my "early morning quiet voice" came out and I was looking studious with my bookbag and Human Rights book, that I was this tame lil young girl, cause she was very sadly mistaken. Within 5 seconds I was envioning myself in hancuffs in the back of a squad car for slapping this chick. I don't know if she saw it in my face of what, but she backed up. I was thankful to keep the peace for both our sakes. Just plain stupid!: I got in line at about 7:50, about 15 people in front of me. The first 2 or 3 people were standing on the sidewalk i front of the door. From there the line proceeded to fall off the curb and into the parking lot. I'm thinking to myself "This is gonna get realy ugly as this line grows" Not 10 minutes later, the line is halfway across the parking lot as aboiut 20 more people have gotten in line. And I can't figure out for the life of me, why the hell the people up in the front didnt have the common sense to shift over to the sidewalk so the rest of the line could follow. Finally, after about 10 more minutes a security guard came outside. Laughing out loud, she told everyone to move the line to the sidewalk. Before I coiuld keep my own mouth shut I said (yes out loud) "I'm glad someone has some sense around here!" She looked over at me and we just laughed.

There's no such thing as police brutality

2005-04-19T16:55:00.000-05:00

Bullshit!!! I am simply speechless!!! The picture speaks for itself! http://www.officer.com/article/article.jsp?siteSection=7&id=23019

Mommy first, everything else second

2005-04-15T08:48:00.000-05:00

Furious provided my chariot this morning(nope car still ain't right) and he gave me a good giggle. After I got the boy into school and we were on our way to my job, he made comment about me having a "Mommy" moment. And I was amused to think back to all the people who have said this to me in the past. Yes, I am a Mommy; even when "HotPants is on the loose", or 20 homework assignments are due, or 15 calls are holding in the queue, or someone needs a shoulder to cry on...I'm still a Mommy. I love that I am mutil-facted enough that I can pull off different roles at different times. I think everyone should have the ability to be who they need to be at the rigth time. But that never takes away from a person's foundation. My foundation is and always will be "Mommy". I wouldn't want it any other way. So when I plan a team event and at the least mintue, I can't make it because I have the boy and no sitter, don't look at me all crazy when I say I can't make it. When I have to reschedule a date because I am spending unexpected, much needed QT with my boy, dopn't think I am blowing you off. I am now and always will be Mommy first and wife, daughter, friends, Hot Pants second.

The "Lean on me" struggle

2005-04-14T08:49:00.000-05:00

My "adopted family" has been moving during the past few weeks and soliciting help from all of us to pack and move. Twin is moving in a few weeks too. I moved a couple months ago. I packed up everything myself, and I only asked one person to move me, who snatched up one other person they needed to move everything. There is not too much more I have a hard time with than asking anyone for anything. I have been having ongoing car troubles since last October. The one person who had been helping me each and everytime, still makes it very clear to this day they don't mind helping me, and Twin has done the same recently. Still, I mind. I don't like having to ask for anything, from anyone. I have pretty much been taking care of my own needs since I was 13 so, I am very, very independant. Though I have learned how to let "the person in my life" provide for me without feeling as uncomfortable as I usually would, with no one filling that void, I really don't want to have to ask anyone for anything. I feel like everything happens for a reason, and in that frame of mind, I wonder if this ongoing car drama is my path to humility and me letting go of my pride. I had to call 3 different people yesterday to meet all my obligations because the car wouldn't start again. Three dammit! That was the hardest thing in the world for me. After I hung up with them on the first go round, I sighed with relief for having them in my corner. After we spoke again to confirm things though, I sat in my car and just cried for a minute. It hurt me to have to rely to heavily again on others. These people have lives and I feel as if I am inconvinencing them, despite what they say. I feel as if I am a burden, although they reassure me that I am not. I know "things happen" and "thats what friends are for". But what your heart knows, and your head says don't always coexist well together. I wish I knew how much more I'm going to have to lean on my friends to get by. I want to learn this lesson and move on to bigger and better things.

Dating for sport

2005-04-11T21:29:00.000-05:00

A girlfriend of mine blogged today about not having time to date because of her other obligations: school, social life, etc. And as I posted my comment to her I realized that I really don't have time for "quality" dating either. I hang out with my friends, male and female, and I meet people, but I can't recall the last real "date" I have been on. And I can't see myself going on any dates consistantly until I'm done with school in August. Now, if I were asked on a date, I'd go, if time provides, but that doesn't often happen. And because of that I'm realizing that I am simply dating for the sheer sport of it right now; not for the intention of finding a mate. There are few people around me that are holding down the "friend" status right now and I get the impression that's not the role they'd prefer. I recognize this and I recognize they would easily step across the line into "more than friends" if I made it clear that it was what I wanted. Because I love and value them as my friends, I simply couldn't begin to try to do that right now. Twin commented earlier that my friends understand the sacrifices I am making rigth now for my other obligations, and I do belive that they do. And with those sacrifices come my own love life and sacrifice to keep the few true friends I relaly have. Right now, I can't date for love...I only have time to date for fun. Even with all that, I know that when the person that is supposed to change my outlook on that shows up, I won't really have any control over the situation anyway...love doesn't seem to give a damn about your life status. But for now, as long as I can retain my friends, and still date and just have fun...thats the way I'm going to keep it.

Guess whos back

2005-04-11T08:59:00.000-05:00

I got my baby back!:D I realized just how much I really missed him when I saw his cute lil filthy face when I picked him up from his male parental units house yesterday. Out at the Dogwood festival , I was saying that I wasnt quite ready to go back to Mommy mode...Hotpants mode is an addiction after all...lol But I was bursting on the drive to West Hell to pick up the boy. Of course within 20 minutes of him being in the car, I was having to fuss at him. And within about 90 minutes, he'd already gotten in enough trouble for me to ban him from speaking for the rest of the trip home. The hardest thing about sending him over there, is having to undo all the "damage" when he comes back. I have to remind him what Mommy doesn't tolerate: the back talk, the whining, the rolling of the eyes, and sucking of the teeth all that nonsense that keeps him in "baby mode" instead of 5 year old mode. I used to feel guily about having to discipline him in front of other peolpe, even if it is family. But over time I have recognized...a Black woman raising a young Black boy into a man has to be one of the biggest challenges of this era. And contrary to popular belief, simply having a male influnece is not enough...if the male is not someone that can be looked up to and modeled after, then what purpose to they serve as anything other than a negative influence. So, some may think I'm hard on him. I do yell, I do fuss, I do nag and anything else that may be required to keep him inline. But it's because I want him to grow up to be a man and not a wimp, someone admireable, and not someone who is merely taking up space on the planet. So I'm so happy I got my baby boy back at home, I'm back on the Mommy schedule again. By the time the evening is over , I expect he'll be off the "Daddy" train and back on the "Mommy" train, being my lil angel(as angelic as a 5 year old can be anyway) again.

Midsemester update

2005-04-09T18:17:00.000-05:00

The end of Week 5 of the Spring semester: I am excited to say that I am doing very well in all my courses midway through this semester. I am really enjoying my Professional Ethics course. It is doing exactly what it is meant to do, which is changing my outlook on ethical actions towards most situations, both in professional and personal sitautions. I had a conversation with a coworker/friend yesterday in which I found myself drawing from my ethics course in help her to see that just because we work in a "numbers-based" setting doesn't mean she should change her "quality" way of handling each and every customer she talks to. Her methods work well and they are inteneded for the greater good of the customer...you simply cannot be 100% in every requirement in the line of customer service...someone is gonna lose out and you have to live with who you decide to short. I can't say the same about my Senior Seminar course...the topic for this semester: Globalization. My goodness it really is boring. But I can't take awayfrom the fact that it is educational. The damn the book should have come with a supplemental dictionary, though..LOL. As a technical writer, my feedback on this book would be to not use 55 word sentances, in which 35 of them contain words that end in "-ation" or "-ism". But I am passing easily so I guess I can't complain much. My psych course, Adulthood and Aging, is enlightening, but depressing...lol Learning about how life will decline in someway that are unavoidable is somewhat depressing. The good thing is learning about the ways I can prevent a lot of possible occurances that could make life hard to deal with in my older years both for myself, my mate(hopefully), and my child(ren) as well. This is one of the few courses I have taken that I feel everyone should take. Ahhh Chemistry...my nemesis. So far I am doing pretty well. I am doing much better on my quizzes, which I am really inclined to belive has to do with the fact that I did retain some of the information from last semester. As far as the group assignments...I am still having some trouble keeping up with them, just because there are so damn many. I swear this teacher acts as if he teaches the only course for a semester. And I don't mean that because I am carrying 4 classes in total. I said the same thing last semester. But, I am focusing on getting them all done. I think I missed one last week though without realizing it because I got a nasty email from the group leader. I can't lie, I snapped when I first read it. But then I was appreciative to have a group this semester who doesn't have a problem speaking up and telling me what I need to do to carry my share. This group oveall has been a much better group and is a lot of the reason why I am more successful this semester. I'l have to be sure to tell them that a the end of the term. I bitched and moaned about having to take all hese BS courses to finish my degree when all I really wanna do is write. But I have to confess that I see why electives are required. They really do round you out as a person. They give you more experience and perspective in life other than just the career path a person wants to go on. Once I adjusted to the amount of work required to do this and finish out strong, I changed my perspective on having to take these classes. I am making the best out of having to take them. If I have to spend the money to take them, I may as well try to enjoy them. Honestly, the hardest part has been the personal sacrifices I have had to make. I knew what I was givin up as far as not being able to hang out as much and that the boy would be at his male parental unit's home more often. What I didn't realize is that I was sacrificing those who love me too. Mama text me last week and told me she missed me...of course I cried...'cause I realized that we only talk maybe once a week now, if that...when before we talked AT LEAST 3 times a week, if not more. My BabyMama and my best friend in Houston both cuss me out on my voicemail on the regular because I don't answer my phone, and I hardly call them back. I miss them both, but I really have to focus and I know they are trying to understand, but my BabyMama more than anyone needs my support right now, with all the drama she's going through. The only people that hear from me on a regular basis are those who are on IM. If you are online in some capcity, you simply cannot reach me. I feel gulity. I feel like I am not there for the people who love me most. But I need them to have as much patience as I am having to find within myself. Time, thankfully, is flying by because I am so busy. August really is around the corner.

Not your average Hostess, Cupcake

2005-04-09T17:41:00.000-05:00

I am a very social person. I like to be in the presence of people having a good time. I enjoy seeing others have a good time; that makes me happy. A lot of people don't really notice that when I am in a circle of people, I am laughing, but I really don't talk much. It's not at all that I am not having a good time, it's simply that I am a fairly non-talkative person by nature. In most my long term relationships, by that I mean any person whom has been aroun dme for an extended period of time, the other person is a "talker" by nature. So with all that said... Tonight is my first night to play hostess. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit nervous. Confidant...just walking into new territory for me. Because I am not relaly a talker, it is going to be a new role for me to cater to others to make sure everyone is socializing and having a good time. Learning the "hostess" role is on the list of things I know I need to work on this year anyway. It also fits the bill of learning how to be comfortable in "the limelight". Tonight is going to actaully be a good start for me, since majority of the people attending tonight's meet and greet are people that I already know. I expect that will play to my advantage..not sure just how, bu tit eases my mind just a little. Some of the "adopted family" will be there, plus other people that I know from various places. There will be some faces that are new...I have to make sure to not neglect them...lol I'm looking forward to this evening out with good eating and good company. Lawd, let them leave the drama at home...lol

Sweet as sugar, but don’t cross me

2005-04-06T09:53:00.000-05:00

Maturity SUCKS! One thing I have always said about myself is that I am the sweetest person to those who are respectful and nice to me. To those that I am not, I’m not so nice…You really don’t want to cross me. After a conversation last night though, I have realized that I have given some of that up. And I don’t know if I like that or not. I was asked "what did I do the last time someone crossed me". And as I went to reply, I realized that I really didn’t do much of anything along the lines of retaliation. I thought about it…even made a few phone calls…cause some ass really did deserve to be kicked. But I didn’t. I simply let things that their own course, and of course just sitting back waiting on Karma. And even late last night, I got an email that really just pushed my buttons and hurt my feelings…kind of a "straw that broke the camel’s back" kinda thing. And I really really wanna say some ugly shit to this person(and being tired as hell isn’t helping that either) cause I really think they are intentionally going out of their way to hurt my feelings. But I haven't. I’m trying to chill. And I don’t like that!

This is not the “Me” that I know. The Me that I know would have had her boy kick dude’s ass. The Me that I know would call up the person that sent the email can cuss his ass out for intentionally saying shit he knows is simply uncalled for(it’s not always what you say but how you say it, and sometimes what you DON’T say) But this new Me, is laying back in the cut and I feel like I am just taking it like a punk.

I preach to everyone about "letting things go" and "being the bigger person" and I really do mean it, 'cause I know it’s the right thing…but this sucks! Why should I be the better person in a situation? The offender doesn’t think about what the repercussions could be based on their actions. So shouldn’t they have to deal with whatever happens, whatever the offended person gives back?

Sigh. No matter what I feel about it, my heart still knows the right thing is to just let is play out. I don’t like this side…not at all...and I don’t know that I wanna keep this new Me around. This new Me is a little too likely to get stepped on and then snap even worse than necessary. The jury is still out on this one.

Always a Mommy

2005-04-05T16:22:00.000-05:00

It's only Tuesday and yes I miss my baby boy like crazy. Ok, so if he was home, he'd be driving me crazy...lol...but I miss him anyway. I called him and of course we talked about nothing at all but it was enough for me:) To pass the time though...I'll get out the house tonight and shake a lil somethin'. Twin and I are planning to enjoy this week of freedom to the fullest. Ya'll know it's bad when her Mama said Atl needs to watch out...lol We're not that bad...not quite anyway;)

Who will you be today?

2005-04-04T22:18:00.000-05:00

The Internet is a wonderous thing. You can be anyone you want to be on here. You create a profile, fill in as much or as little information as you want and off you go. You can tell people you are a millionare when you don't have a pot to piss in. You can tell people you are single when you are married. Hell you can tell people you are female when you are really male. So with the flexibilty the Internet affords, why do some people hide even further? Some people want to say things, but want to do so in a way that doesn't divulge who they are, or who they are talking about, or what they are talking about. The Internet couldn't be a better place to do so. There's email and IM and groups and blogs...so many resources! Choose a forum and speak your piece. You can hide and still say whatever you want to whoever you want. Hmmm, who will I be tomorrow and what will I do?

More random thoughts

2005-04-04T22:06:00.000-05:00

Does a morally sound, professional, good family man exist? How about a public official or celebrity?
Why do people feel the bathroom is a good place for converasation? Do not talk across the stalls. Do not stand in the middle of the bathroom and chit chat if there is not a lounge area. And DO NOT talk on your cell phone in the stall!
Why doesn't the government use our tax dollars to provide everyone with home comupters? They won't use the money to provide for our medical needs or educational needs, can we get something?
Is a year long crush still defined as a "crush"?
Why are some people content to make someone fall in love with them, having no intention on being with them?

Opps, I may be a little unfair

2005-04-04T21:39:00.000-05:00

"Don't tell me, show me" I have said these words so many times, I should just get them tattooed on my arms. I am learning to not have expectations of anyone; to just let them set the pace based on their actions. Everyone says what they can do, or will do, or wants to do...but I want to see them really do it before I have any faith. And shoot, even that doesn't always do it. Some people are able to act the part and then you still end up slapped in the face with what isn't really there...sorry I digress(damn you Twin...LOL) Anyway, in conversation I find myself talking about the kind of person I am, and what I want to do as well. Not so much in respect to what I want to do with or for someone else, but nevertheless, I am still talking. How can I expect anyone to believe in the words I am saying when I am not completely believing theirs? I don't say anything I don't mean...and if I don't say it, there is a reason. Not putting any stock into other people's words is a "lite" piece of baggage though. *Sigh* I thought I had stored that stuff in the shed in the back. I'm going to make more of an effort to take people at face value. I know there are some truely genuine people are there. I dont want to let the masses deter me from the few quality individuals. I have to let them build my appreciation of those who are true. Considering I am coupling this effort with learning how to take much more time to get to know a person and just be their friend, this has the potential be a good plan.

Getting over a relationship

2005-04-04T21:23:00.000-05:00

I have taken a poll and the results are in. Best way to get over a relationship: Get your feelings hurt by the other person. Guaranteed results!

"I love you" isn't JUST "I love you"

2005-04-04T12:54:00.000-05:00

If you haven’t seen Diary of a Mad Black Woman, GO SEE IT!!! Oh my goodness, I don’t know if I laughed more or cried more, it is very moving; not just for women but for men as well. I was inspired on many levels and one thing I took from the movie is that telling someone you love them isn’t just an expression of love for them. It is a demonstration of your trust in them. You are trusting them with your heart, with you feelings, and with your love. You are entrusting them to act in your best interests to do as they will with it. And THAT is a huge step for any individual to do. You don’t realize how major that admission is when you are young and in love and you just want to tell that person all the time, every moment of everyday how much you love them; because you haven’t experienced the hurt of having that love abused and/or mistreated. As you experience more in life and love, you realize that that trust you are giving the one you love is sacred and you give it sparingly because you know that it can be abused in the wrong hands. You understand that not everyone is worthy of it. You protect it and cherish it yourself, until you can entrust someone else to do so.

Vent - $40

2005-04-01T16:13:00.000-05:00

Arrrggggggg!!!!!! I hate that the one person I cannot get away from can still annoy the hell outta be!!! How damn trifilin' can you be about your own damn kid??!! Forty damn dollars will not kill you to put towards ya kid when you dont contribute anything else!!!!! Why am I cursed!!!! Unlimited, Lifetime, Bad Karma!!!!!!!!!! End rant

Status messages and revalations

2005-04-01T10:57:00.000-05:00

The light bulb has come on. I left someone on my IM list although we really don't speak anymore as a part of my "self diagnosing" therapy. Their status messages started the beginging of the end, and caused me to now realize where my new, annoyingly upbeat, crunk attitude has come from. I see their status and more often then not roll my eyes(hey the feelings don't die overnight, I'm human...lol) We all put up our status' for a reason; to express ourselves. I feel that this person puts theirs up to attract attention to themselves. I've known for sometime that they feed off having attention, almost to a unhealthy degree IMO. But I admit, to a degree we all do. It's just a matter of how you get it and why you need it. Anyway it finally dawned on me that my new found energy has come from this person no longer being in my life. I truly belive they were infusing their bad karma on my life, despite their outwardly appearing positive attitude. This was draining energy from met hat I didn't know I was missing. But I recognize this now in retrospect because the same thing happened when I left my ex husband. My entire life changed and evolved and became brighter the moment I moved out of the house we shared. That's not to say that times were always easy, cause they certainly were not but I could see the "sun shining in" all the same. I will always have a love for this person, they provided what I needed and they were "right on time", even when I didn't know that I needed. But their time has come and gone and now the sun is once again shining in.

Thinker vs Doer

2005-04-01T09:56:00.000-05:00

I went to dinner with a very good friend Wednesday evening after work. As the kids played (an aruged...lol) we were discussing dating and all the joys and pains of it. As we were talking she began to brainstorm some ideas. And as I listened to her shoot off idea after idea, I kinda sat there in awe, because she does this all the time. One little thing will spark an idea and they are always great ideas. As she rolled out the ideas, I told her "whatever you need me to do just let me know". I wondered for a minute "Why is it that I don't come up with stuff like that?" Even the ideas on top of ideas didn't spark anything for me. But I realized that I am not that person who comes up with the ideas. I am the one who carries them out, above an beyond expectation. I am the one who will give 150% to any project I am a part of because I love being a part of the end result. Some people are thinkers; some people are doers. Some are leaders; some are followers. I am happy to be a doer rather than a thinker. There are too many folks trying to be chiefs that have no business even trying. I know when I see a good leader...and when I do, I'm happy as hell to follow them right on through to the end of the rainbow.

Random thoughts

2005-03-31T15:42:00.000-05:00

Giggles are contagous, especially when they are your own
Polite customers are such a joy
People never take a hint when it is meant for them, but always comment on thing totally unrelated to themselves
It's sooooo nice when someone tells you they like you exactly the way you are
How hard is it to return a call or pick up and let someone know you can or can't do something
Damn! How cool is the new manager!
Haters will ALWAYS be haters, there is no hope
Coke and lack of sleep cause bouts of euphoria and too much sexual energy...until you crash back down and pass the hell out

Overcoming fears

2005-03-31T09:45:00.000-05:00

When you have kids you expect to make some life changes all around. I'm amused at my having had to overcome some fears in order to teach the boy to not be afraid of some things. I don't want him to fear things for no reason. He has this fear of bug, especially spiders. It's funny as hell to me that I have a boy that is scared of bugs. I thought it was in boy's DNA to like bugs...lol Anyway, I am not scared of little bugs, but those big nasty mutant cock roach looking water bugs frighten me. They are just icky and huge and yuck(ya'll know I'm girlie, dont act surprised...lol) However, when they creep into the house and the boy sees them he FREAKS! You would think the thing was crawling on him the way he nuts up...lol So I had to put my fear aside so I could kill them and get them out the house...which is a funny process in itself...lol I didnt realize he is afriad of thunderstorms either until recently. It's been raining a bit the past few days and the boy just refuses to go to sleep, or like this morning will hover over me in my sleep because it's lightning outside. I dislike lightning more than am afraid of it, but it is one of those silly things that have non basis. It's a "just because thing". So knowing this about myself I ask him what it is about the lightning that scares him and I get the typical 5 year old answer "Because it scares me" So I have to rephrase and ask "What do you think the lighning is going to do to you"...and there is no reply to that. So I'm able to take and twist that to show him there is nothing to be afriad of. It seems to be slowly working, at least in relation to the bug fear. I will admit that some fears are justified based on experiences but I am trying to prevent him from having random fears just because he hears someone else say something is scary. Mama did this to us, knowingly when we were little. She is afraid of under railroad track overpasses when trains are passing by. And as I got older I began to fear that myself too. Dad was very irritaed to find that because he knew it came from us witnessing Mama freak out. So I don't want to do this to the boy, which is why I found a way to at least hide my fear or strong dislike of bugs from him to show him that they aren't anything to be afraid of. Because in reality, I recognize myself that they aren't really anything to fear...they are just gross..lol

Bonus Energy

2005-03-31T09:01:00.000-05:00

My move closer to the city is proving itself to be more and more to my benefit every single day. I am finding that I wake up in the morning with more energy than I every remember having. Of course I still struggle to actully get out of the bed, but once I am up and moving, I have alot more engery. I have to assume it has to do with being able to sleep just a little bit later. Before the move, I was getting up at 5:45 and now I can sleep until 6:15...ok ok, I do push it to 6:30 sometimes...lol But once I'm up, I am getting through my morning routing faster and I am not as grumpy as I used to be(operative words here are not as; I am still not a morning person...lol) Shoot, I found myself dancing to the wake up mix on the radio this morning! So that in itself is a sign...lol I'm excited to have this new found energy. It's making my mornings not quite as bad as I'm used to...I'd still rather be in bed til about 9 though...lol

Tigger has been there for me but...

2005-03-29T20:58:00.000-05:00

As I'm settling into complete singlehood, I'm finding myself content by myself. I've always enjoyed my own company. In fact, even in a relationship,"me-time" is mandatory and I think I may require a little more than the average. In any event, I'm happy just chillin', especially as busy as I am with everything. But the one thing that I do really miss is a warm body next to me at night. Just to be warm and cuddled up *sigh* So Ive realized that what I need is a "Snuggle Buddy"; NOT to be confused with a "Cut Buddy". I don't miss sex. Without the emotional attachment, the love simply isn't there, which is 90% percent of the driving force of my sexual appetite. So I'm not at all in need of that...but I so miss the comfort of warm strong arms around me as I drift of into sleep. Rolling over in the middle of the night and having a warm body to snuggle right up under. Hell, I even miss the slight snore of peaceful sleep patterns...lol No obligation, snuggle buddy...hmm does that exist I wonder? There is a person that I feel would fit the bill perfectly. He is a super cool friend, and is not one of those guys that is chasing after me(for lack of a better term). That and the fact that he is borderline in a relationship makes him the perfect "Snuggle Buddy". but I wouldn't dare approach him. The risk of altering our relationship outweighs my needs here too greatly. And it's so tmepting to whip out my cell and dial a speed dial number. But I know how much that is not in my best interest, althought old habits die very hard sometimes *sigh* So for now, I guess Tigger will have to keep up the hard work til I can find a suitable substitute for him.

Coping with dating - a lil humor

2005-03-28T13:36:00.000-05:00

This accounts for about 85% of the men I encounter on and offline. Dating is sooo amusing...LOL WAYS TO TURN MEN DOWN HE: Can I buy you a drink? SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money. HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours! SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for aface like yours. HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? SHE: Must've been once. I never make the samemistake twice. HE: How did you get to be so beautiful? SHE: I must've been given your share. HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday? SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend. HE: Your face must turn a few heads. SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs. HE: Go on , don't be shy. Ask me out. SHE: Okay, get out. HE: I think I could make you very happy. SHE: Why? Are you leaving? HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me? SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time. HE: Can I have your name? SHE: Why? Don't you already have one? HE: Shall we go see a movie? SHE: I've already seen it. HE: Where have you been all my life? SHE: Hiding from you. HE: Haven't I seen you some place before? SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore. HE: Is this seat empty? SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. HE: So, what do you do for a living? SHE: I'm a female impersonator. HE: Hey baby, what's your sign? SHE: Do not enter. HE: Your body is like a temple. SHE: Sorry, there are no services today. HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. HE: Where have you been all my life? SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

Guilty by Association

2005-03-28T09:55:00.000-05:00

*Disclaimer: You will see very few entries like this one here. I apologize to anyone who is offended or suprised by my language here.* Somehow I got caught up in this whole Yahoo group drama when I had zip, zero, zilch to do with what went down. Twin and the group owner said their piece to each other,and she blogged her side. The group member went on his way and blogged his thoughts too. All I did was state my lil opinion, that it all was for the best and we'll all move on. If ANYONE had an issue with what I said, a "real" person would've addressed that issue with me. I am upfront with anyone and everyone I come in contact with...love me as I am or get the hell on. Only a bitch will go and pull some bitch-ass stunt like kicking some one out because they don't like their opinion. But then again, it fell right in like with the the bitch-ass stunt they pulled that started the whole thing to begin with. The group owner is more than entitled to do as he pleases with his group, and kicking me and everyone else that have been kicked out is only his loss. He can think what he wants... but for the record: not too many people in the group like you. Twin and SD were the glue holding that group together. I don't see the active members sticking around long after this silliness you pulled. You have truely shown that "cray people do not know they are crazy". I hope that the group continues to flourish under your management...but I seriously doubt it! I wish you nothing but peace, happiness, success and most importantly GROWTH cause right now you have long way to go. There are other people, outher opinions and outlooks onlife besides your. You are living a very sheltered life by eliminating anything around you that doesn't agree with what you thinking, see and feel. You need to grow the fuck up! All the drama started here: Twin Group member Group owner

Secrets and bad decisions

2005-03-27T16:45:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you don't see you are in a bad situation until you go to tell someone you care about about it, and you realize you don't want to tell them because: 1) you know they are going to tell you you are wrong, 2) you know they are going to be disappointed in you, or 3) you know they love you enough to let you fall on your own, which hurts the most. I've seen people I love(and some I don't...lol) do that, and I always swore that would never be me. Well, never say never... A very good friend reentered my life today and as we played "catch-up" I relized he didn't know(from me anyway, I'm sure he'd heard through the grapevine) that I'd started dealing with my now-past love interest. The last he knew we were quits. I realized that I was happy that he hadn't been around, because I didn't want to explain to him the how's and why's behind my reconnecting with my love interest. That's not like me at all. I do what I want, when I want and you can think whatever you like about it. But this time was different. This friend is a straight shooter, which is why I value our friendship so much. We affectionately refer to each other as the other's "Mad Slapper"...he will promptly slap me(figuratively, of course) when I am doing something stupid, and vice versa. I've probably been in need of a slap since about the beginning of Febuary and he conveniently hasn't been around. I never thought I'd be the one hiding something from a friend in fear of "being slapped". Even though he wasn't around, I know that had he been, I wouldn't really have discussed anything related to dealing with my love interest with him because I knew he would've ripped into me. So in retrospect I knew I was doing wrong, on some level, but old habits die really hard, especially when they concern love. I want to run from my slapping. I want to just pretend I never did what I did, but I think I need to face up to my slapping, and take it as the completion of the lesson learned from the situation I put myself into. Man, I love my friends!...LOL

Childhood memories

2005-03-26T15:19:00.000-05:00

Mama called me the other day and told me the city school district is closing a few schools due to budget cuts and lack of attendance and some other beaurocratic crap. My old elementary school is on the list to be closed. My heart broke when she told me that. It may seem silly, but besides having beautiful childhood memories from elementary school, I like to think that those times helped me to become the woman I am today. The school had a program that taught 1st through 3rd grade bilingually; 1/2 day English and 1/2 Spanish...every day. I absolutely loved that program and even more so, my teacher for those 3 years. She was simply an inspirational little woman, and her accent was just adorable. I always loved how she rolled the R in my name. It's funny the little things that stand out in your mind when you think back on things. I can remember field trips to Lollypop Farms and the museums and the science center. I remember my dad chaperoning quite a few of those trips, and while I may not have thought I wanted him at so many of them, he made them even more fun and all my friends loved him. I remember when Bobby McFerrin's song "Don't Worry be Happy" came out, all my friends swore up and down that was my dad...LOL I can remember how I decided to rebel and be a "bad girl" in the 5th grade because I didn't like my teacher, so I never did my homework. I got all A's and B's in every subject and would have E's every report card in the Homework column. Shoot, do they even have E's anymore? I think they are just F's now...lol I remember Mama taking me to school to register me for the 1st grade, and threatening to home school me because they wouldn't let me skip Kindergaten, because she had already taught me every thing they teach in Kindergarten. Thankgoodness, I didn't have to get home schooled...lol I remember my best friend Leslie and all the stuff we used to get into...making up dance routines to Salt n Pepa, riding the bus across town and getting stuck, slumber parties with her older cousin who was just way too grown for her age(which led to her being the youngest teenage mother I think I know to this day) Ha! and I remember finding out in the 6th grade that the girl I liked the least in school was my cousin...talk about being pissed...lmao *Sigh* Now I really realize why I am always running around saying "I wish I was 7 again" why I am stressed out. Not only did I have zero responsibilites, but I had some great times too! I really hate that my school is closing and I am going to make time to go by there when I go home in May for graduation...besides what would make a better time to visit when I am going to be graduation from college. I really don't expect to find many, if any of my old teachers still there, but I just want to "kiss the walls" as Mama said, before they close down one of the most memorable places in my lifetime.

Routine morning amusement

2005-03-25T10:54:00.000-05:00

The boy is so amusing...as always. Every morning we get up and do the same things to get ready to get out the house. Have been doing the same things for at least 3 years now. Get up, go to the bathroom, wash you face, brush your teeth, and put your clothes on....every single morning. And every morning I have to question him as to why he hasn't done at least one of those things. WHY???? How long does it take for a child to develop a routine??? He'll forget to brush his teeth, but won't forget to ask me can he watch tv. And don't let him want a snack...lmao. He'll forget to ask for that until right when its time to walk out the door...but won't forget to ask to watch tv. I love my baby boy, but lawd knows he makes my mornings difficult...lol

Positivity, Negativity and Karma

2005-03-24T08:50:00.000-05:00

What you put into anything is going to directly affect what you get out of it. When you enter a situation and go through it with a negative attitude you aren't going to receive anything positive back in return; no matter how much you beg and plead for it. Surrounding yourself with positivity will undoubtedly bring much more happiness into into your life, then keeping negative things or people around you. The funny thing about taking this stance in your life is that it catches other people off guard. They don't understand why when they attack you, you don't respond in the manner they expected, or are accustomed to. If you try to explain it to them, they cock their head and look at you as if you just grew a third eye smack in the middle of your forehead. They simply don't understand why you don't reciprocate the negativity they are trying to impose upon you. But when you are blessed enough to have reached a level that doesn't allow negativity to enter your atmosphere(for lack of a better word), their lack of understanding is not important or even relevant to you. You hold tight to what you know is right for you, step aside and keep right on doing YOU. Karma is aligned with that positive and negative energy. When you do something good to or for someone, your are creating good karma, which will resonate in your life. It's almost like a ripple effect: the most good you do , the more goodness there is in store for you. That goodness isn't always what you want or expect it to be. But it will always surface, usually when you least expect it. Oh! but bad karma is the same way too. When you do wrong, wrong is certainly going to come back on you. And most certianly in ways you never imagined. And the funny thing about bad karma is that the people who usually are being affected by it, usually don't recogize it for what it is, because they don't recognize or are unwilling to accept responsibility for whatever it is that they have done to have "earned" that bad karma. Now, I don't know if I didn't believe in karma when I was younger, but as I have aged(not that I am that old...lol), I have seen quite a few people that have been or are still close to me, create their own bad karma, blindly. The worst culprit has been doing it for soooo long, I think their bank of bad karma is endless. They continuously do wrong by so many undeserving people; yet, remain blind to the reason why their life continues to crumble, year after year. I think they were my first introduction to how karma works. I've had other people more recently school me in the lessons of bad vs good karma as well. I say thank you to all of you...and I pray for all of you...especially those who have created their bad karma while dealing with and sometimes causing me pain. Kisses and love to you all the same.

Finally! I get to do my thing

2005-03-23T20:28:00.000-05:00

I'd like to say "I love my job" and actually mean it, instead of saying it to keep from cussing someone out. But really my job is so damn annoying. I deal with ungrateful, irritating ass customers all day long. And for me that is not even the most annoying part. What is annoying as hell is the communication between the process personell and the support reps. Processes get send, or should I say when they get sent, they are written poorly. I'm sorry; poorly doesn't accurately describe it...terrible, often unintelligible, and plain useless would better describe the process and procedural documents we are expected to follow. Now am I biased? Hell yeah, I'm a technical writer. I scruntinize everything I read. I'm always looking for something that can be corrected in any document. I was this way before I was trained in technical writing, and am just completely anal about it now. So reading the "crap"...to put it mildly...that comes out, more often than not infuriates me. I have rewritten some of it. Partly to keep in practice; sometimes because it was absoluetly necessary in order to make the document usable. I talked with the new manager about this problem a few weeks ago. It was an issue that went on deaf ears with the old manager...but she is the old manager for a reason...lol Anyway, she told me she was going to talk with the process person to see if there was anyway I could help out. Honestly, I doubted I'd hear anymore about it, because the old manager said the same thing to me. So it pleased me that the new manager had been coming to me every fews days after our discussion, letting me know that she was working on it. Today she came to me, and told me that everything was a go and I was going to be working on a few small projects. YES!!!!!! I was able to contain my happiness, BUT I was jumping on the inside. Finally I get to partake in my true love. I get a thrill out of writing. It's comparable to programmers loving to program. It's the thrill of making something that is useful, I guess. Even thought these are small projects, I am hoping to parlay them into bigger and better, and eventuallly off the phones and into a process role completely. This is the reason I was happy to come to work for the company I am with. I hoped for the ability to move into this type of role, and for a time it was beginning to appear that wasn't going to be possible. Things are starting to look up though.

So maybe I care more than I thought I did...

2005-03-23T19:09:00.000-05:00

For the past few weeks, I've been on my twin's back about caring too much about what people think. And now that some headway has been made(yea!), I have really been thinking even more on the subject. I realized (of course sitting in traffic..lol) that I might be slightly hypocritical on the subject. I like to think that I don't care what people think about what I do. Hell, I'm a grown ass woman- entitled to do what I want, when I want, with who I want; you are more than entitled to your opinion on it. But at the end of the day, I do what I do because it makes me happy. I am the only one who is responsible for making me happy. More often than not, it makes me happy to make someone else happy BUT it's because I want to. But, one thing friends know about me is that I don't like to be the center of attention. I don't like knowing that people are focused on just watching me. I had a small wedding and a sit down reception partly because I didn't want tons of people focusing on me. I don't like public speaking. I won't really get on the dance floor when a lot of people aren't dancing because I don't want the people who are standing around watching me. So I'm realizing that in some ways I do care what people think about me in some way. Because part of why I don't like to be the center of attention is because I don't want people seeing me do something I don't feel that I am good at. I don't want to be judged or criticized or feel like people are laughing at me...although I can't really pinpoint what it is I think they will be judging or criticizing or laughing at. I made the decision today that I don't want to be this way anymore. Earlier in the day, I was sharing with my twin something I heard on the radio the other day: "People are going to think what they want to anyway; so why not just do what you want to do anyway" I have known that for a long time, and thought I was living by that. But I guess in some aspects I haven't been. I'm going to set myself free from myself. I know it is going to be very challenging, because I have been this way for a long time. But I can do this. So what if I can't dance or sing? So what if I mess up something in front of strangers or even friends? You know what? I'm not perfect and I have to stop expecting myself to be "perfect-ish".

At last I've found you!!!

2005-03-23T18:39:00.000-05:00

For the record, I have finally come to realize that my best friend here MUST be my long lost twin that I never knew about...LOL Day in and day out, one of us says or does something that the other was about to say or do. We can no longer go anywhere together without consulting with the other because we have shown up looking alike just one too many times. One of us will give the same reply to a question or scenario without us having even discussed the issue with each other. When one of us in is pain, the other feels that pain. It's getting out of hand dammit...LOL But I guess even on top of all that, she's my long lost twin instead of just my girl 'cause she's a down ass ready to ride or die chick and I know she's got my back ALL DAY LONG!!!...LOL

Superwoman is on the loose...ya'll better watch out!

2005-03-23T16:14:00.000-05:00

Now why would I call myself Superwoman? Back in the day, Karyn White said she wasn't gonna be his Superwoman. Vivian Green came back more recently and said can't be it either. They claim their men wanted too much from them to be his Superwoman. As for me, I'ma have to ride with Lil Mo on this one. She said she would be her man's superwoman; that ain't NOBODY gonna do him like she does him, that aint NOBODY gonna have his back like she does under any circumstances...aight, she didn't say quite it in those words but thats about the bottom line. I know I'm a Lil Mo "Superwoman" and I refuse to stop until I find someone I'm compatible with, that not only recognizes that I am Superwoman, but wants me to be their Superwoman. I am simply too valuable, even with my flaws...cause let's face it, we all have flaws...to be seen, treated and respected as anything other than. I am more than willing to say that I'm asking for a lot in a mate, 'cause I have needs and standards that are mandatory, and I think everyone else should too. So, if I have to wait, and wait and wait patiently for that person to surface then I'll just have to ride out them lonely nights(damn where is that Rent-a-Man number at?!). But in comparision to nights of laying awake tired, and hurt, and frustrated, and worried, I'll take a lonely night every single night. Tigger keeps me great company, dammit. If you can't recognize and value and choose to keep Superwoman when you have her by your side, well whose loss exactly will that be??? Somewhere, someday, the "right kinda lover"(sing it Patti!) will come along and treat me so damn good I won't know what to do...in my face and behind my back. Til then, I guess I'll have to put my cape in the closet. P.S. Still trying to run from that ABW status...but I hear it calling me, I'm telling you!

Timeless love

2005-03-21T10:19:00.001-05:00

I think Teddy P. was singing to me Saturday night..."Feels so good, lovin' somebody and that somebody loves you back". There is nothing more comforting than feeling, not just knowing, that someone loves you, really loves you for who you are, and who you want to be, and even who you aren't. I took a really good friend out to an event with me on Saturday night. Although I've been back here in Atlanta now for a over a year, we haven't seen each other in about a year or so. No real reason for the lapse in time other than neither of us making enough effort to do much more than talk on the phone. He and I have been friends for about 3 years now, and have seen a lot of times together. We met fresh after my split from the ex, before our actual divorce, and he was there with me through all of the drama that took place from the time we spilt until I moved to VA, which was a pretty rough time. Even during the time I was in VA, we still kept in touch and we're always very close. Though we were never in a relationship with each other, the love was always there, sometimes a romantic love, sometimes just a platonic love, but through good and bad times, we were right there for each other. I digress... We kicked it for awhile Saturday night. He came by the house (and I don't let just anyone over to my house, I'm verrry private like that) and we chilled for a lil bit.. because of courseI wasn't ready when he got there...LOL. Then we headed downtown to the party. Great party, great atmosphere, and free drinks...lol...we had an absolutely great time together. Throughout the evening, we talked about both of our situations, as we are both involved to some degree or another. I think as the night went on, it became evident to both of us that there is still a spark bewteen us. He told me later on in the evening that he could feel himself "falling for me again" and although I didn't admit it to him, I was kinda feeling the same. Now I don't know if these feelings were coming from my own situation being somewhat topsy turvy right now, or coming from the fact that there had been feelings between us at various points in our friendship. I'm inclined to think it's the latter of the two. It's a really super feeling to feel accepted and loved for the person you are. I guess that feeling always grows as time goes on, and maybe that's the advantage he has over anyone else right now. I'll be surprised to see how things play out between us as time goes on. We met at a time when timing was just off for the both of us. I don't know how off our timing is now, or if it is at all. I'm feeling super special 2 days later...that's gotta count for something...lol

Speak now or forever hold your peace

2005-03-18T09:51:00.000-05:00

Why do we as women follow the "Women's code of ethics"? Is it out of obligation to ourselves, to our friends, or to women in general? Of course, there is no written code anywhere, but we all know it exists as loyalty from one woman to another.

Thou shall not let allow thy friend in public looking a hot mess
Thou shall not engage in any inappropriate relationship with thy friend's current or past mate
Thou shall not withhold knowledge of indiscretions relative to thy friend's mate

Yeah, there are plenty others(feel free to comment with more), but you get the point.

The first two are fairly easy to comprehend; very black and white. The third however, is not as easy as it sounds. Having been on both sides of the fence, making the determination to speak on what you know or not to speak, is not at all cut and dry. You wish sometimes that there were guidelines to follow: "If A,B and C happen, then do X, Y, and Z". But they skipped writing that manual when they skipped "How to Raise a Child in 3 Easy Steps" and "How NOT to Kill Your Baby Daddy".

So how do you know when to tell what you know, or keep it to yourself and hope the truth comes to light on its own? It's really easy to say "let you conscience be your guide". But how do you do that when you find out that your girl's man is sexing the girl next door. You don't want to be the one to have to have to find out how she will and won't react. You don't want to be the one that she calls a liar, or accuses of wanting her man, or whose facts she totally rejects. You don't want to run the risk of losing your friend, because you tried to do what you felt was in your friend's best interest. So do you tell? How much do you tell? Or do you just keep it to yourself and pray for the best?

I can't say what I'd do in a given situation. I've been there more times than I'd like to have been, and in each case, I handled it differently. Some times I did speak up and managed to keep my friend. In some cases, I felt the risk was far too great and I kept it to myself. Though it all worked out in the end, I will admit that not speaking up did come back to haunt me, and I wish that I had.

On the other hand, I've had dirt revealed to me as well. What's done in the dark ALWAYS comes to light! And in some cases, I rejected it, and some I accepted it. I have and will always love and appreciate those who love me enough to do what they feel is in my best interest and in the best interest of our frienship. I have been forgiven and I forgive as well.

Play your position

2005-03-17T19:06:00.000-05:00

Atlanta traffic is at least good for one thing; time to think. As I was driving back from Douglasville(man don't even ask about that..GRRR!), I was pondering the roles people do and don't have in my life and how that came to be. And I realized that I play a role in others as well. I recognize that that role is developed in two ways: from my actions and what I put into the relationship, and from the other party's actions and what they put into it as well. It's a two way street driven by communication. It dawned on me that in some people's lives, I am not playing the position they have given me. I am trying to play the position I want to have, which isn't working all that well for me. I'm satisfied overall with how that is working out. But I know I deserve to be much more than just satisfied. In the short term, I seem to be getting what I want. In the long run however, trying to make my own position simply leaves me in my own fantasy world. Fantasy is cool for some things. But in the dating game, living in a fantasy world can get your feelings seriously hurt. I've decided to cross the line from fantasy into reality. I am about to play my position and act accordingly.

For the love of Hip Hop

2005-03-17T10:59:00.000-05:00

Man I love that line in Brown Sugar when they ask "When did you first fall in love with hip-hop?" For me, I really think it was when I first heard "Tramp" by Salt n Pepa. Not that I was old enough to really relate to the song, hell I was only 7, but the beat, and their flow simply entranced me. And I was forever hooked! I love hip-hop. Always have, always will. But I am so hurt by it right now. I just can't understand how it has gone from talking about what's wrong in the hood, to non-stop "bling bling". I am so tired of hearing about how "iceeeee" rappers are or "how they make a move and act a fool up in da club". And although I am very guilty of following orders, I am tired of a new song every other week coming out ordering me to shake my "salt shaker", "shake it like a dog", and "wobble and shake it". Yep, I know I'm a hypocrite there, cause I'm quick to run out on the floor and follow every word commanded. I'm a sucker for a beat...I could happily live without the words. Then there are the songs that glorify selling drugs. I don't mean just talking about it as what is happening in the hood, but showing pride, making it sound as if this is The Way to live the good life. And don't get it twisted. I grew up in the hood. Lived on the corner where it all went down every day and every night; dated the hustlers and all that went along with the "hoodlife". So it's not at all that I don't appreciate hip-hop for putting it out there. It is a reality of life that all this this goes on. My issue is that it is being glorified. Our boys are listening to all this and thinking "oh why get out the hood, when I can juist hustle and accumulate all the cars and money and girls they have?". Our girls are listening and hearing "I can sleep with these guys and they will give me money and get my hair and nails did". This is giving our youth the worst message possible, and creating a legacy that will only get worse as the generations go by. It doesn't help any that conscious rappers get criticized when they try to make a "cross-over" song that has substance to it, yet is over a beat worthy of club rotation. Then they are accused of being sellouts, simply for making a song that people can dasnce to and still discuss something that really needs to be heard. I applaud Kanye West for "Jesus Walks" because he was one of the few able to pull it off. But let's be real...he pulled that off because he was already on fire with two other songs. He got club rotation simply because he was hot at the moment. Who else has and how often does that really happen? I've read commentary on botht the Roots and Talib Kweli's last albums and both were criticized as being "too commercial". They both had songs from those albums that got club play. Why does there have to be a line drawn between conscious and commerical? It's hard to love hip-hop when it is dragging down our morals and values. Of course it isn't just hip-hop's fault. And of course, it isn't solely their responsibility either. Yes, we need to teach our kids right from wrong, morals and values and all that. But artists to need to accept the fact that whether they want to be or not, they are role models. People, kids and adults alike, look to them and strive to achieve the same things they have. I'll always have a love for hip-hop, it is a part of who I am. *Sigh* But just because you love something doesn't always mean it's best for you.

Actions vs. Words

2005-03-12T00:29:00.000-05:00

You hear men complaining all the time that women don’t know what they want out of relationships and that we don’t appreciate a good man when we have one and we only give the bad boys a chance and blah blah blah. Yet, there are so many men out there that can't show and articulate what they want either. It seems as if you can only get one or the other out of a man. On one hand, you have the guy that meets you and has all the right words: “Oh baby baby baby…I want to do this, I want to be that, I want to accomplish X, Y, Z and I want you right by my side the whole time. I want to show you the world and give you the moon and the stars. Come go with me.” And then can’t follow through with the simplest of tasks, like returning a phone call or showing up for a date. Then on the other hand, you have the guy who bends over backwards for you. Meets your every need physically, emotionally, spiritually. Who doesn’t even let the chips get down, that’s how much they have your back. Spends quality time with you, makes you feel like you are top priority, simply feeds your mind body and soul and, honey when he is there, you are FULL! Yet, his mouth tells you he’s not ready, or he wants to get some things in order before he can settle with you. His words say that he doesn’t think can meet your needs, or that he isn’t in a place where he can give you what you need. Ummm…hello!!! Gentlemen, please stop doing this to us. Those of us women who have finally figured out what we want and need in a SO are being pushed and shoved and backed into a wall by all of this. Men are always saying we don’t give the good ones a fair chance. You know what, you are right! By the time we finally are blessed enough to meet the “good ones”, the lazy, lying, selfish, unfaithful ones have damaged us so badly, that precious time is wasted mending our broken spirits instead of living life and loving each other as is really meant. It is these inconsistencies that turn happy, loving, devoted women in to Angry Black Women. Personally, I have been fighting ABW syndrome for quite some time now and it is becoming increasingly difficult. The sugar is becoming very salty and I don’t want to have to be someone I’m not to keep the pain of heart break away. Listen, if ya ready then lets do the damn thang. Issues are a part of life and only make a relationship that much stronger. I can hang if you can. And if ya not, say ya not ready, and act the part. Don’t climb in my ear whispering sweet nothings when you don’t mean them. Is it that hard for you to say what you mean, mean what you say and then dammit, back it up?!?!?

Motivation

2005-03-11T13:23:00.000-05:00

Science has always been my weakest link, every since high school. I almost falied the 12th grade and didnt graduate because of it. So it comes as no surpirse to me that I flunked my Chemistry class. Yeah I thought I had a D which would have at least gotten me the credit I needed but looks like that didn't happen. So I'm gonna have to pick up another class this term..which brings the total number of classes I am taking this term to 4. That is 4 classes at 4 credit hours at piece. On top of working full time...on top of being the boy's mommy at least 5 days if not 7 days a week. Needless to say, a sista is feeling EXTREMLY overwhelmed right now. Now couple that with the boy's male parental unit not contributing much...and the pressure mounts. I could stretch these classes into one more semester and be done at the end of this fall instead of this summer. That,however, would keep me out of this May's graduation ceremonies that I am VERY looking forward too. I also am VERY tired of being in school and ready to be done. All of this is motivating me to push on though. On one hand, I feel very overwhelmed. But the thought of pushing through ALL of this adversity and still graduating on time, is having an adreneline-type of affect on me. Just the thought of looking back and seeing that I took 16 credits for 2 semesters and having the boy 5 days a week (the male parental unit CLAIMS he's gonna get him every weekend from now on...not holding my breath there, though) and working full time, makes me feel very empowered. Hopefully I can draw from and feed off this feeling during the next 20 weeks. as I am sure I will find myself stressed out, wishing for it to be over. Success is a hell of a motivator though.

Walking with spirituality

2005-03-09T15:20:00.000-05:00

Prayer and true faith is a truly powerful thing. You can't just say you have faith...that alone is not enough. Faith is something you made a decision to have and then live on. It comes from deep within and you simply cannot fake it. I realized this from experience. I've never been a religous person. I wasn't raised in the church. I went with my grandmother on Easters because she was my favorite and I always wanted to be with her. So once she passed I didn't see a church again until my best friend in VA introduced me to hers in October of 2003. So I can say that I only recently became a spiritual(NOT religous) person. And I took baby steps from there to now.

I never understood how people would say that "God spoke to them". I couldn't figure out why I couldn't hear him talk to me. Until the day came that I heard Him for myself while living in VA. I'd been looking for a job here in GA for about since December, trying to move back here. The job I had there was not waas meant for me and neither was my living situation. I woke up one morning in January, and I "knew " it was time to move. I "knew" that I needed to pack up and move to GA, despite not having a job or apartment or anything lined up. But I did just that... I packed my son and brought him to his father. I came back and packed up my apartment and went back to to GA and stayed with my cousin simply because I "knew" it was time. It took me about 3 weeks to realize how I "knew", but I realized that God had spoken to me and told me it was time to leave my situation and move back to GA on faith that He would provide everything I needed. And thats what He did. Although I didn't attend church like I used to in VA once I got here, I renewed myself in the beginning of this year, and I can honestly feel the difference between when I still searching for a "church home" and now that I have found what I think is my "home". I love the spiritual place I am in now. Every day I wake up I pray for Him to guide the boy during the day, I pray for clarity for myself, I pray that love with keep my heart and soul and spirit at peace, and to speak and understand nothing but the truth throughout the day. I can pray and turn issues over to God and simply release them and I honestly feel the answer come into my soul. It takes a LOT of work, daily. But it is well worth the glorious feeling inner peace.

The clubbin' stops when?

2005-03-08T16:32:00.000-05:00

I was joking with my current love interest the other day about getting too old to club anymore and it dawned on me that at some point, I will be the "old lady" in the club. Now of course that won't be anytime soon...but when exactly will that be? Who gets to determine when that is? A lot of people go to the club for all the wrong reasons: looking for love. But I know a select few that go simply because we REALLY like to dance...its a passion, a stress-reliever, and just a way to have a good time. So will I have to stop when I'm 35? Will people my age start trying to convince me I'm just too old? Will I be too old because my son will be a teen? Will I be banished to the "old people's club", destined to be harrassed by the really old men? I don't think there's an age that I'm going to lose my passion for dancing...music just does something to my soul and I can't help but move. I hope in 10, 15, or even 20 years that I don't become that "old lady" in the club. And hell, if I am her...I hope to at least look damn good!