And you wonder why

Most of the "I wonder about yous" from the interviews last week were that people didn't know much about me and that they're curious about me and why I am so "private", for lack of a better expression. Whats funny is SizzledK's comment that not only doesn't she know me, but she'd rather know me from me, than from what she's heard because people are gonna say what they want(I hope I didn't sum that up inaccurately, K). I don't get it. Who's talking and what are they saying? I'm not mad that K made that comment, in fact, I'm thankful that she did becuase I was pretty much in the dark. I think I had some ideas that people may have been talking, but I may have closed my mind to the idea of it up until this point. But umm, again, who is talking and whats being said? And even better why? I'm reminded of the past incident in which I was Guilty by Association . I was accused of talking about someone behind their back. They had to have "heard" this from someone somewhere. It's amusing that I am one of the quietest people, although it may not appear that way always; I really just run with a group of people and that could make it seem that I...hell, I don't know what it looks like. I guess it looks like I am talking about people, or even more, gives people something to talk about. I guess I am gossip worthy. Don't know how, since I don't do much, but ok, I'll be that. Ya'll talk, speculate, gossip, hate if ya really wanna. I'm amused and pretty much unfazed. Don't know what ya'll have to talk about, but I hope it's really juicy. Oh wait, even better...somebody IM me or email and share it with me. I wanna gossip too. Love hugs and kisses you all. Forever QueenT

Me? An alcoholic? Nahhhh

Here's an admission for you. Alcoholism runs deep on both sides of my family. My dad is recovered(congrats Daddy, I know you have an anniversary comnig up) and my uncle is as well, last I'd heard anyway. My mom...well I try to live in denial about my mom. But, two of my uncles on her side; one passed away still an alcoholic, the other has been clean for damn near 10 or fifteen years now. I won't even go back and further than that, or stretch out wider into the family tree. I think you get the point. With all this in my background, I have had a deathly fear of alcoholism all of my adulthood(i.e. post child years) I used to drink like a fish before he came along, but having a child makes you all responsible and stuff. What really fueled my fear however, was at a point during my marriage, where things were so bad I couldn't sleep. I'd find myself up, lying in my bed, staring into space at 1, 2, sometimes 3:00 in the morning, and still have to get up at 6:00 to get myself and the boy ready for the day, drop him off at daycare and then go to work... to come home and do it all again. This went on for about three months. One night, I got up to get a drink of water, I looked in the cabinet and saw the bottle of Hennessy. And a thought formed. Hmmmm, if I drink a lil of this, I'll be able to fall asleep, then I won't be a walking zombie in the morning. So, I down a swig or two and get back in the bed. And the sleep came. But then the morning came too, and I was even more tired than if I hadn't drank anything. The next night, I go with out a drink until about 2:00AM. Then I decide I need to sleep anyway I can get it. Off to the kitchen for another swig or two. Ahhh...sleep. This cycle went on for about two months. And I think I progressed each week, one or two swigs became a shot glass full, and then pouring a little bit in the bottom of a glass. Straigth uncut, no ice, no chaser. Drink, sleep, and miserable mornings. Thankfully, I realized the severity of what I was doing after about two months and I cut it out. No, I didn't leave him(dummy me), but I went back to soberly not sleeping. Just the fact that I got to that point of drinking myself to sleep scared me, badly. It made me realize that I am open to the idea of drinking away my pain. It was easier to take a drink and forget about what's not right in life. And I knew from that point that as long as I lived on my own, I'd never keep alcohol in my home. And 95% of the time I don't. Occasionally I'll buy a 6-pack of Skyy Blue coolers and drink them over the course of two weeks. About 6 months ago I was given a bottle of vodka as a gift. I told myself I wasn't going to open it. When I did finally open it, I drowned myself in it for 3 days straight. You never know what circumstaces will come along in your life. One that brought me the need to run and hide from a deep pain, found a home in that vodka bottle. So I work to resist the urge on bad days to stop at a store and buy a bottle of anything and instead just go home and ride the bad day out...find some other way to release that stress. Because I know how tempted I'd be just to drink that stress away. Knowing it would still be there when I wake up, and want to drink that away too. Funny thing is, the biggest driving force keepign me from every becoming n alcoholic, is knowing that everythign in my life would compeltely fall apart. My son would end up with his father(umm, hell naw!!) I could lose my home, my job, my car, everything that I need to survive. The thought of not just losing all that, but recovering and having to totally rebuild the life that I personally destroyed, that just fuels me to NOT hit the package store, grocery store or even the corner store(what ya'll know about that corner store...lol). I'll go out and have a drink with someone if the day is that bad...thank heavens for Emergency Happy Hours. But alcohol in my house?!...unless I move in with someone, I'll never keep it in my house. Why put that temptation in front of myself if I know how severely damaging the outcome could be?

Hot Thursday

The dating scene has been cold for me lately. Not really sure why. I'm starting to wonder if I'm giving off that "don't even get the notion to look this way" vibe. Sometimes I do it without even realizing it...that usually is realized by some dude coming up to me and telling me to smile or something. Then I know I've been mean mugging all night...oooopss. I think I was on fire last night though and it really was amusing. Walked in the door and smack into the face of this dude I met at Insomnia about a month or two ago. We'd talked on the phone for a bit, around the time I was hella busy with the last few weeks of school. About three weeks past before I finally had time to go out with him, but by then his indecisiveness and constant sexual innuendos had gotten on my nerves. We made semi plans for a Saturday night, but his indecisiveness about what to do, what time to do it, so on and so forth mad me say "fuk it" and just not answer when he finally called at 9:00 after making tentative plans for 8:00. He called a number of times afterwards over the next week, cussing me out on my voicemail, and I was so amused I figured he wasn’t even worth me calling back to make up and excuse or tell him I'm not interested or anything(Note to the men: don't be a b%tch and cuss a woman out on their voicemail) So, walking in I laugh and cringe, and decide to just be polite and give a head nod and keep it moving. He mean mugs me and I laugh even harder and I tell Twin whats up. Not 5 minutes late he's in my face asking me what I looked at him like that, why I didn't call, blah blah blah. Without giving away the little game I have, I'll just say I said enough to spin the situation on him and convince him that it is his fault that I never returned his calls. Which technically is not a lie...lol And off he went after spitting some more BS at me. After my guy friend showed up, he, Twin and I hit the (insanely packed) dance floor. As I look out across the floor I see a very familiar face. Excusing myself, I work my way over to BabyFace. He and I have been friends for about two years though we don’t see each other that much. He goes to school in North Carolina so we only catch up when he's home. I had to light into him for not calling me when he got home for the summer. Then I had to pick up my face when he told me he didn’t call because every time he called me when he was home on Spring Break, I didn't return his calls. And he's right...I was still in school and we all know how hectic that time was. Anyway, we kissed and made up (figuratively, of course) and I told I'd call him...and I will. That's my sweetie pie. One of the few guys I know is my friend for who I am and not what I look like. After a couple of songs, my guy friend, Twin and I decided to move away from the floor fro a little air. He led the way, with me behind him. Not three steps away, I run into a face that seems familiar, and is giving me a look like I should really know who they are. So I ask, and he reminds me that I met him at Insomnia(yeah that was a hot night as well, 'cause I met him the same night as the other one...lol). We exchange some words, 'cause I pretty much ignored his calls too. There is a reason I ignored most of the calls from the three guys I met that night...but if I admit why...lol, nevermind. Anyway, we exchange numbers again, because I actually did want to talk with him and see whats good. And again, I keep it moving. The rest of the night was spent with me kicking it with my friend and Twin, who was getting her mack on in between conversation with various characters (and I do mean characters in the unflattering-ist way possible). All in all a very good night for HotPants and Diamond, especially on a weeknight outing. And now...its Friday and we're on the loose again!!!

Hmmm...just maybe

Keeping with my two week policy(see below), I won't give a name to this person just yet, nor will I say much about them, but I will say this: someone has caught and held my interest. I'm curious to see if this person will make it the full two weeks. So far holding my attention on the phone is a good indication because I am sooo not a phone person. Holding it in person even more...he's showing a lot of potential. I think I'm a little excited...lol ***Two week policy: a guy is usually not discussed in detail, nor is he given a name, until after being aronud for two weeks. This policy was developed out of two scenarios; one: most guys mess up before two weeks and since I meet so many that do, it became hard for my friends to keep up with who was "in" and who was "out" because they came and went so fast; two: making it damn near to two weeks showed they had a good amount of potential and I didn;t wantr to jinx want could be a good thing, so I didn't call anyone by name until after they'd past two weeks.***

If you are ever in this scenario...

If you live near your best friend, and go out with them on a weekniight, and spend the night at their home, and leave at 5:30 in the morning to go home to get dressed for work still in your club attire, and think you need a cup of coffee from QT, don't stop and get it. All heads will turn and stare at you as you walk in, fix your coffee, pay for it, and then leave. Very awkward that early in the morning...lol

Deconstructing QueenT

Well, I really am surprised it has taken so long, now that I look at it. Twin has pulled my card and she's dead on point. Not many people that know me, know much about my past. One, maybe two...and thats only because they were there then. Everyone talks about "when I was a kid..." or "growing up I..." or "I remember one time when..."; you don't hear me say those things. Most people have a lot of fond memories of their pasts. And don't get me wrong, I have plenty too. The problem is, when I look back, I recall the bad ones much more clearly than the good ones. And because I try not to dwell on negativity, past or present,as well as not liking to complain about anything at all...I remain tight lipped. I am not going to delve into my past immediately. I will work on revealing a little bit at a time on here. The good , the bad, the happy, and the sad. My upbringing, my high school years, and even some of my marriage. As none to these are things I talk about much, as time goes on, I'll get into them. For now I will make a general comment. One thing my past has provided me with is perfecting the art of appearing normal and happy on the outside and have turmoil, stress and be coping with an obscene amount of bullshit on the inside. I confess, this isn't all that great of an art to have mastered. I can almost gurantee that is how I managed to internalize so much that I developed physical ailments. Nevertheless, it is a great defensive mechanism. It's so much easier to push it all aside, and leave it behind. However, not talking about it could be the cause of many of my current demons. I'm going to challenge myself to reveling one thing from my past a week. Maybe I'll learn something about myself in the process; maybe I'll set myself free. Either way...you asked for it, you got it.

I know You and You know Me...

Stolen from SizzzledK(by way of MzB)... You: post a comment with your name Me: reply with the following You: make sure you do the last step of posting this in your blog...if you have one. This ought to be fun...lol ************************************************************************************ 01. Reply with your name and I will write something about you. 02. I will then tell what song/movie remind me of you. 03. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, it would be... 04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you. 05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you. 06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of. 07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you. 08. Put this in your journal(Blog).

Put up or shut up

You know when you are doing somethingt that isn't quite right. You seek out the advice of those closest to you, in hopes of figuring out how to best handle the situation. The situation may not be wrong, per se, just a difficult one that doesn't have a simple solution. But you are hurting and complaining, and leading peopel to believe that you want help to rectify the issue. If you are one of these people, please listen closely to the following: If you don't plan to change the situation, don't keep running to those who love you crying, complaining, or asking them what to do. Your friends and family love you, and if you are in this type of sitiatuion, obviously there is something painful about it, otherwise you wouldn't be complaining. If you are in pain, more than likely those that love you are feeling it with you(to a degree of course). The problem is, if you aren't going to do anything to change the situation, you are choosing to inflict that pain upon yourself. You have options. If you opt to remain in the situation, don't make your friends endure it as well. If you must complain, or cry, or just plain let it out, find an alternate source. Exercising and writing are great sources of release. I'm sure there are plenty more out there as well...be creative. When you are ready to "get right" and be happy, in whatever decision you choose, your true friends will be right there to support you. But, until you make a firm decision on whatever that is, don't pull your friends down the seemingly destructive path you chosen for yourself, by seeking out their support and then abusing it. Let them love you and be there for you when you truely need them. Don't abuse their support, or it may not be as readily available when you need it most.

Happy Father's Day

To all of the men who live up to their responsibilities emotionally, economically, spiritually, and any other way imaginable to their chilren, I wish you Happy Father's Day. To the women who are having to play both roles, mother and father, to raise their children to be the best that can be, that hustle to provide with no one else will, that after dark from frustration and anger and fear of not being able to give their children all they need by themselves, I salute you and wish you Happy Father's Day too.

First summer weekend as Mommy

This was my first weekend with the boy since he's been gone to his male parental unit's house. It was a great weekend, despite being able to already see the negative influnce the sperm donor is having on him. The weekend actauly started on Thrusday. I had to pick up the boy from West Hell, because the sperm donor refused to bring him to his school for testing. Because of when the boy's birthday falls, the school wanted to test him for advanced kindergarten placement. Unlike the sperm donor, I will bend over backwards to do what I have to do for the boy, so I took time off to take him to get tested and then spent some time with him befire taking him back to West Hell later that night. From those few hours, I could already tell we're gonna have adjustment issues when he gets home to stay. Just the little things he says that a little "too smart" and little things he has already forgetten are rules in Mommy's house. But I recognize that it is all a part of "dual households", so it'll be ok. Let me not forget to mention that his male parental unit took it upon himself to cut my baby's hair all off. Now, my boy doesn't have long hair like a girl, don't get it twisted, but he has curly hair so I keep it just long enough that you can tell he has curls. Oh no, his sperm donor decides to cut it all off, and tell me only after I bring him back home, that he did it because the boy is out playing all day and it's less on his head to make him sweat. Logically, it was a good decision(for once in his life) but he could have let me know he was gonna do it, so I didn't have to walk up onmy bald child and practically scream in terror at his naked head. I picked him up early Saturday , and we ran all morning long. He was tired from the moment I got him. This didn't really surprise me though. Whenever he is over there, he never seems to get enough rest. That's ok , that what Mommy's house is for. It's sad that I actally pay enough attention to the boy to recognize his needs, and the sperm donor can't quite figure that one out. All kids come from the same cookie cutter to him. Anyway I digress. We ran errands and went to eat with Twin and the kid before laying down to nap. Always look forward to "family nap time" After a three and a half hour nap(and that's with me having to actaully go get the boy out the bed), we went to see Sharkboy and Lavagirl. If you haven't seen this movie yet, DONT!!!! I haven't seen such trash since The Arrival. Just plain terrible. but the kids loved it, so that was enough for me. We ended the day watching Return of the Jedi, and the boy pulling out his loose tooth. This takes us to 5 missing teeth, 4 of which are all on top...lol Sunday was pretty uneventful with one exception. We relaxed in the morning; he took a short nap and then we went to see Madegascar. Once it was time to leave the movie and head back to West Hell, the boy really made sure I knew he didn't want to go back. He'd been telling me all weekend he wanted to stay with me. I know he wants to be up under me, he's used to just me, while he has to share over at the male parental units home. There are 7 or 8 people undre wone roof. As we walked out of themovie theaher, he simply began to cry. Not hard, not loud, just a silent cry. My heart broke. I didn't want to send him back. I'd love for him to stay with me. but atthe same time I can't take that time away from his sperm donor. As much as I would love to, and am pondering the idea. I tried to reassure him that he'd see me in 2 weeks and he could call me anytime. I asked him why he doesn't call me and he said his dad won't let him. I kept my fury to myself, somehow, and told him I would call him since he can't call me. He sulked all the way there. Talking to my mom on the phone, he made sure to let her know,too that he didn't want to go back. It was all I could do not to cry. I miss my boy, and I can't wait to have him back home. the vaction is nice, but knowing he is not so happy there is not worth it to me. I am already ready for August to get here.

My first Tag

I feel so special!...LOL I am not in the slightest bit surprised by results. That ethics class wore me down in this area. Peace, love and happiness to the world, if you leave it up to me. I would love to tag the cynical men in my life Monroe, Mack, and Da Professa. ***Update - that darn Twin!...lol I'm taking back my Tag on Da Professa...since she got to him first. But I am reassigning it to Shawn. Show us what ya got sweetie!*** ***Update to the update - I hated to take down the actual post but that table was messing up my blog template too much so here is the summary.*** You scored as Justice (Fairness). Your life is guided by the concept of Fair Justice: Everyone, yourself included, should be rewarded and punished according to the help or harm they cause. "He who does not punish evil commands it to be done." --Leonardo da Vinci “Though force can protect in emergency, only justice, fairness, consideration and cooperation can finally lead men to the dawn of eternal peace.” --Dwight D. Eisenhower More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page...

Reason #152 why I am still single

So the conversation goes a little like this: LameDudeintheClub: So what do you do? Me: Tech support LameDudeintheClub: Really? Me: (confused)Yeah, why do you say it like that? LameDudeintheClub: No reason. You are level 1 or level 2 support? Me: Level 1 LameDudeintheClub: Oh. That makes sense. Me: (astounded)That makes sense??? What is that supposed to mean? What? AmI too cute to be smart enough to be level 2 support?? LameDudeintheClub: Nah, thats not what I meant. What I meant was that you just don't look like you do tech support is all. Me: Oh so a woman can't be attractive and smart too...hmmph... LameDudeintheclub: Nah, nah, its aint even like that... Now by this time, I have turned around and started talking to Twin, ignoring his lame ass. He's been there talking to us for about 5 mintues and just bought us a drink when this conversation took place. Despite me trying to ignore him, he stands there and keeps talking to me. After about another 5 minutes of conversation where I alternate between blonde and bitch just to amuse myself, she and I get up and leave the bar. Not at all taking the hint, he comes up behind me on the dance floor later in the night, and instead of asking me if I wanted to dance with him, grabs me by my hips(which is a helluva no-no!) and begins to grind on my ass. I turn around to face him so he can back up off me. We dance his way for a minute and I spot this fine, chocolate specimine to the right of me, walking by towards the bar, which we werent very far from. At this point, I just have to turn around to get another look at him. Over hearing Mr Hershey's conversation with his friends, I listen to their discussion about how so many men ahd seemed to have brung their girlfriends with them to the spot. At this point, I'm looking him dead in his face(still dancing with LameDude, mind you), determined to make eye contact. He looks, and then looks away. Looks again...yep, I'm still looking. He leans in and asks if I'm with LameDude. Nope, I reply. I keep dancing...and keep looking at him. After a few more mintues, he leans in again and says loudly "when you get through with this wack dude com talk to me". I laugh and say "Cool". I know LameDude heard this, 'cause he immediately tried to turn us around as we danced. So with that mission accomplished, I turn back around and get him off my ass again. Still dancing, he proceeds to manuver into that "legs intertwined" stance, and grind on my leg. Ewwwww! I'm guessing his tactic was "let me show her what she could have I she gets with me instead of that other dude". Negro PUHLEASE!!! That has got to be the worst turn off ever. Had he been someone I was interested in to begin with, that wouldn't have worked...to be Publicly Lame Dude #1...lets just say I planned to make sure he KNEW he had no shot with me. So I turn back around, and Mr Hershey is still over by the bar. I make eye contact again, and make sure LameDude can see I'm looking at Mr Hershey. And then I just walked off... heading right in the direction of Mr Hershey. Looking back over my shoulder as Mr Hershey and I step out on the patio, the look on LameDude's face was priceless! Thankfully, conversation with Mr Hershey was quite nice, considering we were in a club. We exchanged numbers and went on our way. He was a much better reflection of the "type" I was seeing in the club that night anyway. There was an abundance of head turners in the club...I just happend to get caught with with the "one of these things, is not like the other" dude. I'm sure he still doesn't quite understand what happened. Betcha his dumb ass calls me today...lol

Don't lool at me like that!

Yeah, I said it...out loud...So What?! I don't know why some people are surprised when I say some things. It is true that I am not a very talkative person, I don't really speak unless I have something to say. But when I do speak, I am pretty outspoken. I'm not rude, now I do have tact, but I will say exactly what I mean; and it's usually what you were thinking anyway. I'll say it in a way that some people(the slow ones) won't even realize what just happened and I just cussed them out...lol. I am not about to bite my tongue 'cause it's the "politically correct" thing to do. Nah, that PC stuff is for business conversation only. If we're cool, don't look at me all crazy cause I said anything and/or everything. I just call it like I see it. Besides you know you wanted to say it too, I was just doing you a favor...lol

More time...less productive

I'm going to admit, I didn't see this one coming. Multitasking has ALWAYS been my strong point. That was one of the biggest reasons I felt I could take on four classes and work and take care of the boy and still have some semblance of a social life. I willingly admit that was more of a challange than I needed amd I'm happy to have move past that. However, I was not prepared for the backlash from trying to do too much at one time: loss of multitasking abilities. My goodness, I can't get anything thing done. I can't keep my focus. I can't finish what I start. I almost feel like I can't do anything at all. It's driving me crazy. I have work I need to do in regards to a business opportunity, and I can't keep focused on what I need to do. And its not as if the work I need to do isnt work that I enjoy. My main objectives are all surrounding writing. Yet, I can't find the drive to do it. This project to me is hella important to me, and it's frustrating that I can't focus on it. I don't even blog like I used to. I used to get in at least one post every other day. Now it's maybe twice a week... if I'm lucky. With the boy gone and class out, I should be able to get work or blogging or even a little creative writing done, with plenty of time to spare. Instead, I come home, read everyone else's blogs and then want to either just sit and "be" or sleep. And speaking of sleep, DAMN, that's all I want to do lately. I think because I was running on fumes the last few weeks of class, all my body wants now is to rest. And I know thats not a bad thing, and I deserve it. But it is still cutting in to my overall productivity. I'm hoping that as it took me a couple weeks to adjust to running full speed during the last semester, that I'll be able to come back into a good place where I can function again. I guess I wasn't as prepared to not have things to keep me busy as I thought. Can't slam on the brakes next time, gonna have to find a way to slowly roll to a complete stop.