Random thoughts

• Giggles are contagous, especially when they are your own
• Polite customers are such a joy
• People never take a hint when it is meant for them, but always comment on thing totally unrelated to themselves
• It's sooooo nice when someone tells you they like you exactly the way you are
• How hard is it to return a call or pick up and let someone know you can or can't do something
• Damn! How cool is the new manager!
• Haters will ALWAYS be haters, there is no hope
• Coke and lack of sleep cause bouts of euphoria and too much sexual energy...until you crash back down and pass the hell out

Overcoming fears

When you have kids you expect to make some life changes all around. I'm amused at my having had to overcome some fears in order to teach the boy to not be afraid of some things. I don't want him to fear things for no reason. He has this fear of bug, especially spiders. It's funny as hell to me that I have a boy that is scared of bugs. I thought it was in boy's DNA to like bugs...lol Anyway, I am not scared of little bugs, but those big nasty mutant cock roach looking water bugs frighten me. They are just icky and huge and yuck(ya'll know I'm girlie, dont act surprised...lol) However, when they creep into the house and the boy sees them he FREAKS! You would think the thing was crawling on him the way he nuts up...lol So I had to put my fear aside so I could kill them and get them out the house...which is a funny process in itself...lol I didnt realize he is afriad of thunderstorms either until recently. It's been raining a bit the past few days and the boy just refuses to go to sleep, or like this morning will hover over me in my sleep because it's lightning outside. I dislike lightning more than am afraid of it, but it is one of those silly things that have non basis. It's a "just because thing". So knowing this about myself I ask him what it is about the lightning that scares him and I get the typical 5 year old answer "Because it scares me" So I have to rephrase and ask "What do you think the lighning is going to do to you"...and there is no reply to that. So I'm able to take and twist that to show him there is nothing to be afriad of. It seems to be slowly working, at least in relation to the bug fear. I will admit that some fears are justified based on experiences but I am trying to prevent him from having random fears just because he hears someone else say something is scary. Mama did this to us, knowingly when we were little. She is afraid of under railroad track overpasses when trains are passing by. And as I got older I began to fear that myself too. Dad was very irritaed to find that because he knew it came from us witnessing Mama freak out. So I don't want to do this to the boy, which is why I found a way to at least hide my fear or strong dislike of bugs from him to show him that they aren't anything to be afraid of. Because in reality, I recognize myself that they aren't really anything to fear...they are just gross..lol

Bonus Energy

My move closer to the city is proving itself to be more and more to my benefit every single day. I am finding that I wake up in the morning with more energy than I every remember having. Of course I still struggle to actully get out of the bed, but once I am up and moving, I have alot more engery. I have to assume it has to do with being able to sleep just a little bit later. Before the move, I was getting up at 5:45 and now I can sleep until 6:15...ok ok, I do push it to 6:30 sometimes...lol But once I'm up, I am getting through my morning routing faster and I am not as grumpy as I used to be(operative words here are not as; I am still not a morning person...lol) Shoot, I found myself dancing to the wake up mix on the radio this morning! So that in itself is a sign...lol I'm excited to have this new found energy. It's making my mornings not quite as bad as I'm used to...I'd still rather be in bed til about 9 though...lol

Tigger has been there for me but...

As I'm settling into complete singlehood, I'm finding myself content by myself. I've always enjoyed my own company. In fact, even in a relationship,"me-time" is mandatory and I think I may require a little more than the average. In any event, I'm happy just chillin', especially as busy as I am with everything. But the one thing that I do really miss is a warm body next to me at night. Just to be warm and cuddled up *sigh* So Ive realized that what I need is a "Snuggle Buddy"; NOT to be confused with a "Cut Buddy". I don't miss sex. Without the emotional attachment, the love simply isn't there, which is 90% percent of the driving force of my sexual appetite. So I'm not at all in need of that...but I so miss the comfort of warm strong arms around me as I drift of into sleep. Rolling over in the middle of the night and having a warm body to snuggle right up under. Hell, I even miss the slight snore of peaceful sleep patterns...lol No obligation, snuggle buddy...hmm does that exist I wonder? There is a person that I feel would fit the bill perfectly. He is a super cool friend, and is not one of those guys that is chasing after me(for lack of a better term). That and the fact that he is borderline in a relationship makes him the perfect "Snuggle Buddy". but I wouldn't dare approach him. The risk of altering our relationship outweighs my needs here too greatly. And it's so tmepting to whip out my cell and dial a speed dial number. But I know how much that is not in my best interest, althought old habits die very hard sometimes *sigh* So for now, I guess Tigger will have to keep up the hard work til I can find a suitable substitute for him.

Coping with dating - a lil humor

This accounts for about 85% of the men I encounter on and offline. Dating is sooo amusing...LOL WAYS TO TURN MEN DOWN HE: Can I buy you a drink? SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money. HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours! SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for aface like yours. HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? SHE: Must've been once. I never make the samemistake twice. HE: How did you get to be so beautiful? SHE: I must've been given your share. HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday? SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend. HE: Your face must turn a few heads. SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs. HE: Go on , don't be shy. Ask me out. SHE: Okay, get out. HE: I think I could make you very happy. SHE: Why? Are you leaving? HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me? SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time. HE: Can I have your name? SHE: Why? Don't you already have one? HE: Shall we go see a movie? SHE: I've already seen it. HE: Where have you been all my life? SHE: Hiding from you. HE: Haven't I seen you some place before? SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore. HE: Is this seat empty? SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. HE: So, what do you do for a living? SHE: I'm a female impersonator. HE: Hey baby, what's your sign? SHE: Do not enter. HE: Your body is like a temple. SHE: Sorry, there are no services today. HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. HE: Where have you been all my life? SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

Guilty by Association

*Disclaimer: You will see very few entries like this one here. I apologize to anyone who is offended or suprised by my language here.* Somehow I got caught up in this whole Yahoo group drama when I had zip, zero, zilch to do with what went down. Twin and the group owner said their piece to each other,and she blogged her side. The group member went on his way and blogged his thoughts too. All I did was state my lil opinion, that it all was for the best and we'll all move on. If ANYONE had an issue with what I said, a "real" person would've addressed that issue with me. I am upfront with anyone and everyone I come in contact with...love me as I am or get the hell on. Only a bitch will go and pull some bitch-ass stunt like kicking some one out because they don't like their opinion. But then again, it fell right in like with the the bitch-ass stunt they pulled that started the whole thing to begin with. The group owner is more than entitled to do as he pleases with his group, and kicking me and everyone else that have been kicked out is only his loss. He can think what he wants... but for the record: not too many people in the group like you. Twin and SD were the glue holding that group together. I don't see the active members sticking around long after this silliness you pulled. You have truely shown that "cray people do not know they are crazy". I hope that the group continues to flourish under your management...but I seriously doubt it! I wish you nothing but peace, happiness, success and most importantly GROWTH cause right now you have long way to go. There are other people, outher opinions and outlooks onlife besides your. You are living a very sheltered life by eliminating anything around you that doesn't agree with what you thinking, see and feel. You need to grow the fuck up! All the drama started here: Twin Group member Group owner

Secrets and bad decisions

Sometimes you don't see you are in a bad situation until you go to tell someone you care about about it, and you realize you don't want to tell them because: 1) you know they are going to tell you you are wrong, 2) you know they are going to be disappointed in you, or 3) you know they love you enough to let you fall on your own, which hurts the most. I've seen people I love(and some I don't...lol) do that, and I always swore that would never be me. Well, never say never... A very good friend reentered my life today and as we played "catch-up" I relized he didn't know(from me anyway, I'm sure he'd heard through the grapevine) that I'd started dealing with my now-past love interest. The last he knew we were quits. I realized that I was happy that he hadn't been around, because I didn't want to explain to him the how's and why's behind my reconnecting with my love interest. That's not like me at all. I do what I want, when I want and you can think whatever you like about it. But this time was different. This friend is a straight shooter, which is why I value our friendship so much. We affectionately refer to each other as the other's "Mad Slapper"...he will promptly slap me(figuratively, of course) when I am doing something stupid, and vice versa. I've probably been in need of a slap since about the beginning of Febuary and he conveniently hasn't been around. I never thought I'd be the one hiding something from a friend in fear of "being slapped". Even though he wasn't around, I know that had he been, I wouldn't really have discussed anything related to dealing with my love interest with him because I knew he would've ripped into me. So in retrospect I knew I was doing wrong, on some level, but old habits die really hard, especially when they concern love. I want to run from my slapping. I want to just pretend I never did what I did, but I think I need to face up to my slapping, and take it as the completion of the lesson learned from the situation I put myself into. Man, I love my friends!...LOL

Childhood memories

Mama called me the other day and told me the city school district is closing a few schools due to budget cuts and lack of attendance and some other beaurocratic crap. My old elementary school is on the list to be closed. My heart broke when she told me that. It may seem silly, but besides having beautiful childhood memories from elementary school, I like to think that those times helped me to become the woman I am today. The school had a program that taught 1st through 3rd grade bilingually; 1/2 day English and 1/2 Spanish...every day. I absolutely loved that program and even more so, my teacher for those 3 years. She was simply an inspirational little woman, and her accent was just adorable. I always loved how she rolled the R in my name. It's funny the little things that stand out in your mind when you think back on things. I can remember field trips to Lollypop Farms and the museums and the science center. I remember my dad chaperoning quite a few of those trips, and while I may not have thought I wanted him at so many of them, he made them even more fun and all my friends loved him. I remember when Bobby McFerrin's song "Don't Worry be Happy" came out, all my friends swore up and down that was my dad...LOL I can remember how I decided to rebel and be a "bad girl" in the 5th grade because I didn't like my teacher, so I never did my homework. I got all A's and B's in every subject and would have E's every report card in the Homework column. Shoot, do they even have E's anymore? I think they are just F's now...lol I remember Mama taking me to school to register me for the 1st grade, and threatening to home school me because they wouldn't let me skip Kindergaten, because she had already taught me every thing they teach in Kindergarten. Thankgoodness, I didn't have to get home schooled...lol I remember my best friend Leslie and all the stuff we used to get into...making up dance routines to Salt n Pepa, riding the bus across town and getting stuck, slumber parties with her older cousin who was just way too grown for her age(which led to her being the youngest teenage mother I think I know to this day) Ha! and I remember finding out in the 6th grade that the girl I liked the least in school was my cousin...talk about being pissed...lmao *Sigh* Now I really realize why I am always running around saying "I wish I was 7 again" why I am stressed out. Not only did I have zero responsibilites, but I had some great times too! I really hate that my school is closing and I am going to make time to go by there when I go home in May for graduation...besides what would make a better time to visit when I am going to be graduation from college. I really don't expect to find many, if any of my old teachers still there, but I just want to "kiss the walls" as Mama said, before they close down one of the most memorable places in my lifetime.

Routine morning amusement

The boy is so amusing...as always. Every morning we get up and do the same things to get ready to get out the house. Have been doing the same things for at least 3 years now. Get up, go to the bathroom, wash you face, brush your teeth, and put your clothes on....every single morning. And every morning I have to question him as to why he hasn't done at least one of those things. WHY???? How long does it take for a child to develop a routine??? He'll forget to brush his teeth, but won't forget to ask me can he watch tv. And don't let him want a snack...lmao. He'll forget to ask for that until right when its time to walk out the door...but won't forget to ask to watch tv. I love my baby boy, but lawd knows he makes my mornings difficult...lol

Positivity, Negativity and Karma

What you put into anything is going to directly affect what you get out of it. When you enter a situation and go through it with a negative attitude you aren't going to receive anything positive back in return; no matter how much you beg and plead for it. Surrounding yourself with positivity will undoubtedly bring much more happiness into into your life, then keeping negative things or people around you. The funny thing about taking this stance in your life is that it catches other people off guard. They don't understand why when they attack you, you don't respond in the manner they expected, or are accustomed to. If you try to explain it to them, they cock their head and look at you as if you just grew a third eye smack in the middle of your forehead. They simply don't understand why you don't reciprocate the negativity they are trying to impose upon you. But when you are blessed enough to have reached a level that doesn't allow negativity to enter your atmosphere(for lack of a better word), their lack of understanding is not important or even relevant to you. You hold tight to what you know is right for you, step aside and keep right on doing YOU. Karma is aligned with that positive and negative energy. When you do something good to or for someone, your are creating good karma, which will resonate in your life. It's almost like a ripple effect: the most good you do , the more goodness there is in store for you. That goodness isn't always what you want or expect it to be. But it will always surface, usually when you least expect it. Oh! but bad karma is the same way too. When you do wrong, wrong is certainly going to come back on you. And most certianly in ways you never imagined. And the funny thing about bad karma is that the people who usually are being affected by it, usually don't recogize it for what it is, because they don't recognize or are unwilling to accept responsibility for whatever it is that they have done to have "earned" that bad karma. Now, I don't know if I didn't believe in karma when I was younger, but as I have aged(not that I am that old...lol), I have seen quite a few people that have been or are still close to me, create their own bad karma, blindly. The worst culprit has been doing it for soooo long, I think their bank of bad karma is endless. They continuously do wrong by so many undeserving people; yet, remain blind to the reason why their life continues to crumble, year after year. I think they were my first introduction to how karma works. I've had other people more recently school me in the lessons of bad vs good karma as well. I say thank you to all of you...and I pray for all of you...especially those who have created their bad karma while dealing with and sometimes causing me pain. Kisses and love to you all the same.

Finally! I get to do my thing

I'd like to say "I love my job" and actually mean it, instead of saying it to keep from cussing someone out. But really my job is so damn annoying. I deal with ungrateful, irritating ass customers all day long. And for me that is not even the most annoying part. What is annoying as hell is the communication between the process personell and the support reps. Processes get send, or should I say when they get sent, they are written poorly. I'm sorry; poorly doesn't accurately describe it...terrible, often unintelligible, and plain useless would better describe the process and procedural documents we are expected to follow. Now am I biased? Hell yeah, I'm a technical writer. I scruntinize everything I read. I'm always looking for something that can be corrected in any document. I was this way before I was trained in technical writing, and am just completely anal about it now. So reading the "crap"...to put it mildly...that comes out, more often than not infuriates me. I have rewritten some of it. Partly to keep in practice; sometimes because it was absoluetly necessary in order to make the document usable. I talked with the new manager about this problem a few weeks ago. It was an issue that went on deaf ears with the old manager...but she is the old manager for a reason...lol Anyway, she told me she was going to talk with the process person to see if there was anyway I could help out. Honestly, I doubted I'd hear anymore about it, because the old manager said the same thing to me. So it pleased me that the new manager had been coming to me every fews days after our discussion, letting me know that she was working on it. Today she came to me, and told me that everything was a go and I was going to be working on a few small projects. YES!!!!!! I was able to contain my happiness, BUT I was jumping on the inside. Finally I get to partake in my true love. I get a thrill out of writing. It's comparable to programmers loving to program. It's the thrill of making something that is useful, I guess. Even thought these are small projects, I am hoping to parlay them into bigger and better, and eventuallly off the phones and into a process role completely. This is the reason I was happy to come to work for the company I am with. I hoped for the ability to move into this type of role, and for a time it was beginning to appear that wasn't going to be possible. Things are starting to look up though.

So maybe I care more than I thought I did...

For the past few weeks, I've been on my twin's back about caring too much about what people think. And now that some headway has been made(yea!), I have really been thinking even more on the subject. I realized (of course sitting in traffic..lol) that I might be slightly hypocritical on the subject. I like to think that I don't care what people think about what I do. Hell, I'm a grown ass woman- entitled to do what I want, when I want, with who I want; you are more than entitled to your opinion on it. But at the end of the day, I do what I do because it makes me happy. I am the only one who is responsible for making me happy. More often than not, it makes me happy to make someone else happy BUT it's because I want to. But, one thing friends know about me is that I don't like to be the center of attention. I don't like knowing that people are focused on just watching me. I had a small wedding and a sit down reception partly because I didn't want tons of people focusing on me. I don't like public speaking. I won't really get on the dance floor when a lot of people aren't dancing because I don't want the people who are standing around watching me. So I'm realizing that in some ways I do care what people think about me in some way. Because part of why I don't like to be the center of attention is because I don't want people seeing me do something I don't feel that I am good at. I don't want to be judged or criticized or feel like people are laughing at me...although I can't really pinpoint what it is I think they will be judging or criticizing or laughing at. I made the decision today that I don't want to be this way anymore. Earlier in the day, I was sharing with my twin something I heard on the radio the other day: "People are going to think what they want to anyway; so why not just do what you want to do anyway" I have known that for a long time, and thought I was living by that. But I guess in some aspects I haven't been. I'm going to set myself free from myself. I know it is going to be very challenging, because I have been this way for a long time. But I can do this. So what if I can't dance or sing? So what if I mess up something in front of strangers or even friends? You know what? I'm not perfect and I have to stop expecting myself to be "perfect-ish".

At last I've found you!!!

For the record, I have finally come to realize that my best friend here MUST be my long lost twin that I never knew about...LOL Day in and day out, one of us says or does something that the other was about to say or do. We can no longer go anywhere together without consulting with the other because we have shown up looking alike just one too many times. One of us will give the same reply to a question or scenario without us having even discussed the issue with each other. When one of us in is pain, the other feels that pain. It's getting out of hand dammit...LOL But I guess even on top of all that, she's my long lost twin instead of just my girl 'cause she's a down ass ready to ride or die chick and I know she's got my back ALL DAY LONG!!!...LOL

Superwoman is on the loose...ya'll better watch out!

Now why would I call myself Superwoman? Back in the day, Karyn White said she wasn't gonna be his Superwoman. Vivian Green came back more recently and said can't be it either. They claim their men wanted too much from them to be his Superwoman. As for me, I'ma have to ride with Lil Mo on this one. She said she would be her man's superwoman; that ain't NOBODY gonna do him like she does him, that aint NOBODY gonna have his back like she does under any circumstances...aight, she didn't say quite it in those words but thats about the bottom line. I know I'm a Lil Mo "Superwoman" and I refuse to stop until I find someone I'm compatible with, that not only recognizes that I am Superwoman, but wants me to be their Superwoman. I am simply too valuable, even with my flaws...cause let's face it, we all have flaws...to be seen, treated and respected as anything other than. I am more than willing to say that I'm asking for a lot in a mate, 'cause I have needs and standards that are mandatory, and I think everyone else should too. So, if I have to wait, and wait and wait patiently for that person to surface then I'll just have to ride out them lonely nights(damn where is that Rent-a-Man number at?!). But in comparision to nights of laying awake tired, and hurt, and frustrated, and worried, I'll take a lonely night every single night. Tigger keeps me great company, dammit. If you can't recognize and value and choose to keep Superwoman when you have her by your side, well whose loss exactly will that be??? Somewhere, someday, the "right kinda lover"(sing it Patti!) will come along and treat me so damn good I won't know what to do...in my face and behind my back. Til then, I guess I'll have to put my cape in the closet. P.S. Still trying to run from that ABW status...but I hear it calling me, I'm telling you!

Timeless love

I think Teddy P. was singing to me Saturday night..."Feels so good, lovin' somebody and that somebody loves you back". There is nothing more comforting than feeling, not just knowing, that someone loves you, really loves you for who you are, and who you want to be, and even who you aren't. I took a really good friend out to an event with me on Saturday night. Although I've been back here in Atlanta now for a over a year, we haven't seen each other in about a year or so. No real reason for the lapse in time other than neither of us making enough effort to do much more than talk on the phone. He and I have been friends for about 3 years now, and have seen a lot of times together. We met fresh after my split from the ex, before our actual divorce, and he was there with me through all of the drama that took place from the time we spilt until I moved to VA, which was a pretty rough time. Even during the time I was in VA, we still kept in touch and we're always very close. Though we were never in a relationship with each other, the love was always there, sometimes a romantic love, sometimes just a platonic love, but through good and bad times, we were right there for each other. I digress... We kicked it for awhile Saturday night. He came by the house (and I don't let just anyone over to my house, I'm verrry private like that) and we chilled for a lil bit.. because of courseI wasn't ready when he got there...LOL. Then we headed downtown to the party. Great party, great atmosphere, and free drinks...lol...we had an absolutely great time together. Throughout the evening, we talked about both of our situations, as we are both involved to some degree or another. I think as the night went on, it became evident to both of us that there is still a spark bewteen us. He told me later on in the evening that he could feel himself "falling for me again" and although I didn't admit it to him, I was kinda feeling the same. Now I don't know if these feelings were coming from my own situation being somewhat topsy turvy right now, or coming from the fact that there had been feelings between us at various points in our friendship. I'm inclined to think it's the latter of the two. It's a really super feeling to feel accepted and loved for the person you are. I guess that feeling always grows as time goes on, and maybe that's the advantage he has over anyone else right now. I'll be surprised to see how things play out between us as time goes on. We met at a time when timing was just off for the both of us. I don't know how off our timing is now, or if it is at all. I'm feeling super special 2 days later...that's gotta count for something...lol

Speak now or forever hold your peace

Why do we as women follow the "Women's code of ethics"? Is it out of obligation to ourselves, to our friends, or to women in general? Of course, there is no written code anywhere, but we all know it exists as loyalty from one woman to another.

• Thou shall not let allow thy friend in public looking a hot mess
• Thou shall not engage in any inappropriate relationship with thy friend's current or past mate
• Thou shall not withhold knowledge of indiscretions relative to thy friend's mate

Yeah, there are plenty others(feel free to comment with more), but you get the point.

The first two are fairly easy to comprehend; very black and white. The third however, is not as easy as it sounds. Having been on both sides of the fence, making the determination to speak on what you know or not to speak, is not at all cut and dry. You wish sometimes that there were guidelines to follow: "If A,B and C happen, then do X, Y, and Z". But they skipped writing that manual when they skipped "How to Raise a Child in 3 Easy Steps" and "How NOT to Kill Your Baby Daddy".

So how do you know when to tell what you know, or keep it to yourself and hope the truth comes to light on its own? It's really easy to say "let you conscience be your guide". But how do you do that when you find out that your girl's man is sexing the girl next door. You don't want to be the one to have to have to find out how she will and won't react. You don't want to be the one that she calls a liar, or accuses of wanting her man, or whose facts she totally rejects. You don't want to run the risk of losing your friend, because you tried to do what you felt was in your friend's best interest. So do you tell? How much do you tell? Or do you just keep it to yourself and pray for the best?

I can't say what I'd do in a given situation. I've been there more times than I'd like to have been, and in each case, I handled it differently. Some times I did speak up and managed to keep my friend. In some cases, I felt the risk was far too great and I kept it to myself. Though it all worked out in the end, I will admit that not speaking up did come back to haunt me, and I wish that I had.

On the other hand, I've had dirt revealed to me as well. What's done in the dark ALWAYS comes to light! And in some cases, I rejected it, and some I accepted it. I have and will always love and appreciate those who love me enough to do what they feel is in my best interest and in the best interest of our frienship. I have been forgiven and I forgive as well.

Play your position

Atlanta traffic is at least good for one thing; time to think. As I was driving back from Douglasville(man don't even ask about that..GRRR!), I was pondering the roles people do and don't have in my life and how that came to be. And I realized that I play a role in others as well. I recognize that that role is developed in two ways: from my actions and what I put into the relationship, and from the other party's actions and what they put into it as well. It's a two way street driven by communication. It dawned on me that in some people's lives, I am not playing the position they have given me. I am trying to play the position I want to have, which isn't working all that well for me. I'm satisfied overall with how that is working out. But I know I deserve to be much more than just satisfied. In the short term, I seem to be getting what I want. In the long run however, trying to make my own position simply leaves me in my own fantasy world. Fantasy is cool for some things. But in the dating game, living in a fantasy world can get your feelings seriously hurt. I've decided to cross the line from fantasy into reality. I am about to play my position and act accordingly.

For the love of Hip Hop

Man I love that line in Brown Sugar when they ask "When did you first fall in love with hip-hop?" For me, I really think it was when I first heard "Tramp" by Salt n Pepa. Not that I was old enough to really relate to the song, hell I was only 7, but the beat, and their flow simply entranced me. And I was forever hooked! I love hip-hop. Always have, always will. But I am so hurt by it right now. I just can't understand how it has gone from talking about what's wrong in the hood, to non-stop "bling bling". I am so tired of hearing about how "iceeeee" rappers are or "how they make a move and act a fool up in da club". And although I am very guilty of following orders, I am tired of a new song every other week coming out ordering me to shake my "salt shaker", "shake it like a dog", and "wobble and shake it". Yep, I know I'm a hypocrite there, cause I'm quick to run out on the floor and follow every word commanded. I'm a sucker for a beat...I could happily live without the words. Then there are the songs that glorify selling drugs. I don't mean just talking about it as what is happening in the hood, but showing pride, making it sound as if this is The Way to live the good life. And don't get it twisted. I grew up in the hood. Lived on the corner where it all went down every day and every night; dated the hustlers and all that went along with the "hoodlife". So it's not at all that I don't appreciate hip-hop for putting it out there. It is a reality of life that all this this goes on. My issue is that it is being glorified. Our boys are listening to all this and thinking "oh why get out the hood, when I can juist hustle and accumulate all the cars and money and girls they have?". Our girls are listening and hearing "I can sleep with these guys and they will give me money and get my hair and nails did". This is giving our youth the worst message possible, and creating a legacy that will only get worse as the generations go by. It doesn't help any that conscious rappers get criticized when they try to make a "cross-over" song that has substance to it, yet is over a beat worthy of club rotation. Then they are accused of being sellouts, simply for making a song that people can dasnce to and still discuss something that really needs to be heard. I applaud Kanye West for "Jesus Walks" because he was one of the few able to pull it off. But let's be real...he pulled that off because he was already on fire with two other songs. He got club rotation simply because he was hot at the moment. Who else has and how often does that really happen? I've read commentary on botht the Roots and Talib Kweli's last albums and both were criticized as being "too commercial". They both had songs from those albums that got club play. Why does there have to be a line drawn between conscious and commerical? It's hard to love hip-hop when it is dragging down our morals and values. Of course it isn't just hip-hop's fault. And of course, it isn't solely their responsibility either. Yes, we need to teach our kids right from wrong, morals and values and all that. But artists to need to accept the fact that whether they want to be or not, they are role models. People, kids and adults alike, look to them and strive to achieve the same things they have. I'll always have a love for hip-hop, it is a part of who I am. *Sigh* But just because you love something doesn't always mean it's best for you.

Actions vs. Words

You hear men complaining all the time that women don’t know what they want out of relationships and that we don’t appreciate a good man when we have one and we only give the bad boys a chance and blah blah blah. Yet, there are so many men out there that can't show and articulate what they want either. It seems as if you can only get one or the other out of a man. On one hand, you have the guy that meets you and has all the right words: “Oh baby baby baby…I want to do this, I want to be that, I want to accomplish X, Y, Z and I want you right by my side the whole time. I want to show you the world and give you the moon and the stars. Come go with me.” And then can’t follow through with the simplest of tasks, like returning a phone call or showing up for a date. Then on the other hand, you have the guy who bends over backwards for you. Meets your every need physically, emotionally, spiritually. Who doesn’t even let the chips get down, that’s how much they have your back. Spends quality time with you, makes you feel like you are top priority, simply feeds your mind body and soul and, honey when he is there, you are FULL! Yet, his mouth tells you he’s not ready, or he wants to get some things in order before he can settle with you. His words say that he doesn’t think can meet your needs, or that he isn’t in a place where he can give you what you need. Ummm…hello!!! Gentlemen, please stop doing this to us. Those of us women who have finally figured out what we want and need in a SO are being pushed and shoved and backed into a wall by all of this. Men are always saying we don’t give the good ones a fair chance. You know what, you are right! By the time we finally are blessed enough to meet the “good ones”, the lazy, lying, selfish, unfaithful ones have damaged us so badly, that precious time is wasted mending our broken spirits instead of living life and loving each other as is really meant. It is these inconsistencies that turn happy, loving, devoted women in to Angry Black Women. Personally, I have been fighting ABW syndrome for quite some time now and it is becoming increasingly difficult. The sugar is becoming very salty and I don’t want to have to be someone I’m not to keep the pain of heart break away. Listen, if ya ready then lets do the damn thang. Issues are a part of life and only make a relationship that much stronger. I can hang if you can. And if ya not, say ya not ready, and act the part. Don’t climb in my ear whispering sweet nothings when you don’t mean them. Is it that hard for you to say what you mean, mean what you say and then dammit, back it up?!?!?

Motivation

Science has always been my weakest link, every since high school. I almost falied the 12th grade and didnt graduate because of it. So it comes as no surpirse to me that I flunked my Chemistry class. Yeah I thought I had a D which would have at least gotten me the credit I needed but looks like that didn't happen. So I'm gonna have to pick up another class this term..which brings the total number of classes I am taking this term to 4. That is 4 classes at 4 credit hours at piece. On top of working full time...on top of being the boy's mommy at least 5 days if not 7 days a week. Needless to say, a sista is feeling EXTREMLY overwhelmed right now. Now couple that with the boy's male parental unit not contributing much...and the pressure mounts. I could stretch these classes into one more semester and be done at the end of this fall instead of this summer. That,however, would keep me out of this May's graduation ceremonies that I am VERY looking forward too. I also am VERY tired of being in school and ready to be done. All of this is motivating me to push on though. On one hand, I feel very overwhelmed. But the thought of pushing through ALL of this adversity and still graduating on time, is having an adreneline-type of affect on me. Just the thought of looking back and seeing that I took 16 credits for 2 semesters and having the boy 5 days a week (the male parental unit CLAIMS he's gonna get him every weekend from now on...not holding my breath there, though) and working full time, makes me feel very empowered. Hopefully I can draw from and feed off this feeling during the next 20 weeks. as I am sure I will find myself stressed out, wishing for it to be over. Success is a hell of a motivator though.

Walking with spirituality

Prayer and true faith is a truly powerful thing. You can't just say you have faith...that alone is not enough. Faith is something you made a decision to have and then live on. It comes from deep within and you simply cannot fake it. I realized this from experience. I've never been a religous person. I wasn't raised in the church. I went with my grandmother on Easters because she was my favorite and I always wanted to be with her. So once she passed I didn't see a church again until my best friend in VA introduced me to hers in October of 2003. So I can say that I only recently became a spiritual(NOT religous) person. And I took baby steps from there to now.

I never understood how people would say that "God spoke to them". I couldn't figure out why I couldn't hear him talk to me. Until the day came that I heard Him for myself while living in VA. I'd been looking for a job here in GA for about since December, trying to move back here. The job I had there was not waas meant for me and neither was my living situation. I woke up one morning in January, and I "knew " it was time to move. I "knew" that I needed to pack up and move to GA, despite not having a job or apartment or anything lined up. But I did just that... I packed my son and brought him to his father. I came back and packed up my apartment and went back to to GA and stayed with my cousin simply because I "knew" it was time. It took me about 3 weeks to realize how I "knew", but I realized that God had spoken to me and told me it was time to leave my situation and move back to GA on faith that He would provide everything I needed. And thats what He did. Although I didn't attend church like I used to in VA once I got here, I renewed myself in the beginning of this year, and I can honestly feel the difference between when I still searching for a "church home" and now that I have found what I think is my "home". I love the spiritual place I am in now. Every day I wake up I pray for Him to guide the boy during the day, I pray for clarity for myself, I pray that love with keep my heart and soul and spirit at peace, and to speak and understand nothing but the truth throughout the day. I can pray and turn issues over to God and simply release them and I honestly feel the answer come into my soul. It takes a LOT of work, daily. But it is well worth the glorious feeling inner peace.

The clubbin' stops when?

I was joking with my current love interest the other day about getting too old to club anymore and it dawned on me that at some point, I will be the "old lady" in the club. Now of course that won't be anytime soon...but when exactly will that be? Who gets to determine when that is? A lot of people go to the club for all the wrong reasons: looking for love. But I know a select few that go simply because we REALLY like to dance...its a passion, a stress-reliever, and just a way to have a good time. So will I have to stop when I'm 35? Will people my age start trying to convince me I'm just too old? Will I be too old because my son will be a teen? Will I be banished to the "old people's club", destined to be harrassed by the really old men? I don't think there's an age that I'm going to lose my passion for dancing...music just does something to my soul and I can't help but move. I hope in 10, 15, or even 20 years that I don't become that "old lady" in the club. And hell, if I am her...I hope to at least look damn good!

Back to Blog - Day 1

Since I've been following a number of friend's blogs, I've thought about blogging again. But I keep thinking, "I don't have anything to talk about really" and "I don't have time with everything else I am doing, maybe later". But a very close girlfriend of mine said to me the other day "how can you as a writer not have anything to talk about"..and I realized, ok she really does have a point. So here I am...I'm gonna try this again AND keep up with it. Maybe I can stop unloading all my crap on my friends and get it off here instead. Enjoy!