Queen's Diary - A View Within

The ups and downs, joys and pains of this young, working, single mother, student and any other person I have to be on a given day.


Advance notice

***Please be aware*** The Queen will be moving. Yes, just moving, not going away though. I'm ready for a new look and blogsome seems to have that, so my new home will be http://diaryofaqueen.blogsome.com/ After September 30th, you will find me in my new home. For now, I am still getting it ready; making the final tweaks here and there. Please change your links as you feel the need. Love to all, QueenT



I haven’t talked about Katrina mostly because it hit pretty close to home for me. The Boy’s godmother lives in VA but is from New Orleans. Most of her family is there and for about a week or so, the only “located” member was her older sister. I spoke to her the Wednesday after the storm first hit, and I could hear that she was trying so hard to be strong, I wanted to be for her too. Because inside I was terrified. So many people were feared dead, I was afraid for the worst. When we spoke again, her sister had been found to be here in the Atlanta area. Her mom was found later that day to be in Texas and on her way to Atlanta the next day. I immediately made myself available in any capacity. Now after some time has gone by, her brother is still missing. I can still hear her trying to be strong, now not only for herself but for her mom as well, and I still worry and pray for her and the family. I am so thankful that she has her husband by her side to support her through all of this. If ever I complained about Atlanta, what has been done in the past week wil forever renew my faith. In the past few weeks, so much has been done to raise funds and provide assistance to the victims of this unimaginable tragedy. From the food and clothing drives held by both Hot107.9 and V103, to the school supply drive held by Q100; the competition set off by TI against all the other area industry people to the concert beign held this Saturday with all the proceeds going to the victims. I love this city and how much they are able to band to gether and take care of not just our own but our surrouding "family" as well. It does a heart good to see the camaraderie.


And then what?

Before I realize it, my time in school will be ending. After the two classes this Fall and another two in the Winter, I will have officially graduated. Back in the spring, I just knew that once I completed these classes I would be done. No grad school, no more certificates, done. But now that the time is approaching, I’m not so sure. I’m on the fence about it for a couple reasons. I am torn about what MBA program to pursue. My ultimate goal is to be able to get in to corporate training. That coincides well with the technical communications degree already in place, as it positions me to have the background to write my own training materials. A degree in Adult Education would provide me with the training know how from a “people” perspective. A degree in Learning and Knowledge Management Systems would provide a smaller portion of the “people” perspective but much more from a technical aspect, which broadens the scope of fields I can enter into. So I am a little torn on which is more important toward reaching my goals. With that, comes the decision of where and how to attend class. I have been taking classes on line for over four years now. I have adjusted and do well with that style of learning. Not to mention how well it fits into the “working, single mother” lifestyle. However, I don’t want to have to work while pursuing my degree. I want to be able to focus solely on accomplishing that. I know that many people are able to quit their jobs and live off of the funding they receive from attending grad school. I admit that scares me a little, but at the same time it provides me with freedom. Freedom from this hell of a work place, and freedom to put some more energy into the business. By the time I start grad school next Fall, it will require a lot more attention than it currently does. Which leads me to the other reason I am unsure. The business, while it is certainly a worthwhile effort and is one I believe can and will last in its current state, and will continue to grow and expand into other areas, it is not in my desired area. If you cock your head to the left and squint your eyes, it still doesn’t fall in to the category. So while I would love to have the freedom of solely running the business and not having to work in corporate America, that would not allow me to work in the field in which I wish to work in. The one midpoint I see that could possibly provide me the best of both worlds would be to take the degree and land a consulting position. I’m really at a big crossroads right now. I am going to consult with a few people, and put that with my own research and make a decision. I still have time, but I don’t intend to wait until the last minute. Especially since now it the time to start looking for the funding for next school year. Wish me luck.


Well wishes...sincerely

It seems like every three months or so, a few people around me land new jobs. I wouldn’t want anyone to take this the wrong way. I am happy to see anyone around me happy and doing well, and improving whatever situations around them they want to. I congratulate them; and I am very sincere about it. But a part of me, is envious and jealous. I want and deserve a new job too. I have been searching for about the past 6 months with no luck yet. Granted my field, my experience and my degree are all specialized. So I can’t just go out and snatch up a job. And I also recognize that the job market is very saturated right now. These are all things that I Know. But I don’t feel them after my co-workers and friends call me up and share their great news with me. I am elated when I am talking with them. But it sinks in down the line that “damn, someone else got a new job…and again, it wasn’t me”. Yeah I know “my time will come” and “the right job is not ready for me just yet”. But all of that is kinda hard to remember when I have to go to my favorite place in the world (***dripping with sarcasm here***) and deal with these wonderfully, sweet, polite people (**don’t miss the sarcasm here too***) day in and day out. I’m gonna keep praying; my time is soon approaching. Until them, ya’ll pray I don’t lose it!


The apple doesn't fall far from the tree

I don't recall "Curriculum night" when I was in elementary school. The first sit down meeting with the teacher was usually a Parent's Night. Thankfully, Gwinnett has these, where the teacher breaks down exactly what their child will be doing over the course of the year. Both the Boy and I were excited about Curriculum Night. I was looking forward to getting a chance to hear from his teacher what his year will be like. He was excited to have me in his classroom "like a little kid". And he was right, because I sat at his desk, in his little chair and felt like a kid squished i that chair...lol. As I and the other parents listen to the teacher talk about her plans for the year, she made the statement that many of us didn't realize why our kids were place din her class. And this point I began to perk up..."Nah, I don't know but I'm surely curious now". Turns out, her class is an advanced kindergarten class. Can anyone begin to understand how excited I was?! I somehow contained myself as I listened to the rest of the curriculum and the difference in his class versus the normal kindergarten curriculum. We have a challenging year up ahead but we're ready for it. I'll admit, I initially wanted him to completely buy pass kindergarten. Mostly because his birthday is only 16days from the cut off and he'll one of the oldest kids in the class. i remember those kids when I was in school. They hated being the oldest just because of when their birthday fell. I don't want him to be one of those. But I selfishly wanted it as well because I skipped kindergarten myself. My mom prepped me long before that time, so when it came time to enroll, she refused to let them place me in kindergarten and I went straight to first grade. I wouldn't redo it if I could go back, but I do remember the challenges I faced. I didn’t have as much focus or discipline as the other kids, and so I was very talkative in class, which or course got me into trouble. I was also slower at getting my work done, so there would be times where every one else was at recess and I would still be in the classroom doing work. I don't want the boy to be that way. I think the way things worked out have given him the best scenario possible.


Stay at home mom?

The boy started Kindergarten this week. I don’t know which of us is more excited. I took him his first day and once at the door, I kinda didn’t want to leave him. It was such a new experience for him; I hated to not be there for it. But of course I know that I can’t so I have to live through his retelling of his day every day. He made it through the first week without any problems...at school anyway. Now daycare was another story, but for the most part he did well there too. I can’t wait to get him into the program at the Boys and Girls Club; he has to be 6 to be enrolled. Come on September 16th! His only complaint has been about not going directly to school. He doesn’t want to have to go to before school care; he wants to go directly to school from home. I don’t mind it; in fact I hope he keeps his excitement. But it breaks my heart that because of my schedule that I can’t take him to school in the morning. I expect that is going to chang in the coming weeks, in order to get him into the afterschool program. So long as things go as they are supposed to at work I'll be getting a new schedule in the next few weeks. Having him back home and readjusted to a schedule reminded me of how much I enjoy being in "family mode". Being HotPants all summer long was fun, but it not "me". Not all the time me. I am Mommy. I used to be Wife. I recognize that I miss that family stability. I was happy and comfortable in that family role and would rather have it that be HotPants all the time. I'd be content to stay home and take care of my family; or at least run my own business that allowed me the flexabilty to be at hom with my family. To be able to take the boy to school, and to his games (of whichever type at the time). There was a time where I never thought I'd say something like that. Me!...a stay at home mom? But I guess as you get older (yeah I know I'm not that old so what...lol) your priorites change. The mor etime goes on, the more I want the boy to have and to be happy...and a husband sure wouldn't hurt either.


Will the oppression ever end?

I have come to understand the meaning of "overqualified" and why places won't hire overqualified people. When you are overqualified, you become bored, bitter, and disgruntled very easily. Watching incompetent people do a job that you could do in your sleep better AND with a better attitude and aptitude pushes you past the world frustration over to realm of "hatred". Everyday this week I have walked into work in a good mood. That is an accomplishment considering I am not a morning person. But I have been my normal happy morning self every morning. Yet, by 10:30 – 11 I have a pissy attitude. Why do you ask? Because I hate this place. I mean really hate it, and I really try not to use that word. But I passed "strongly dislike" about 3 months ago. It's gotten to where I openly voice my distaste (mind you I sit directly in front of management). It's not that I am trying to get myself fired, because I will turn around and say in the same voice that I despise this place, that I don't have to like this place to do my job well. And I do...no grounds to fire me. The sad this is, this is not at all a normal reflection of my attitude and personality. In any other work setting, I make the best of a situation and do what I can to make the entire place better. I am that employee that goes above and beyond my job duties because I believe hard work earns your more responsibilities, promotions, so on and so forth. This isn't some magical fantasy I developed in my head. Every other work environment I have worked in operated this way. I have always excelled in my work. I may not have had control in my love and life situations but work has always been a constant for me. But this environment is not open to that. I tried it; it didn't work. Not only did it not work, but they were fake about it. Sure they wanted to hear about the problems, and pretend they could or would do something about it, but then one day one of the managers (we're on out third one in 7 months now) broke it all down for me and explained that the "oppressor": some of the upper management will never do anything about the vast amount of problems. That was my cue to stop expending my energy there and redirect it elsewhere. It gets harder and harder everyday to remember the lessons you have learned about not walking away from a job without having another one lined up, even with trying to remember the repercussions of the past from doing that AND when trying to remind someone else to not to do the same thing…(*to that person: sweetie I am human just like you…I'm not just saying it to you because I'm not in your shoes*) I am working everyday one ways to escape. My job search has grown from just tech writing now to damn near anything not customer service related in the IT field that I think I am remotely qualified for. I network in everyway I can. And my(Twin's and mine)business will be picking up off the ground very shortly and I anticipate much success there. Every day I try to motivate myself to believe that our business will be my way out the door and that is why I am still stuck in Hell, so that I can be able to tell the "oppressor" to Kiss My Ass.
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